Still
by merder6
Summary: Meredith and Derek meet and begin a long distance relationship, which contains many ups and downs. My summary stinks, so please read my Authors Note inside to see if you would like it
1. Call Me Maybe

_**Hi guys, welcome to my new fic Still. I wasn't going to post until next week, but I'm really excited for this fic. Now, I haven't made myself through all the fanfic stories, so I hope my ideas are at least somewhat original. In this story, Meredith is 25, just finishing med school and on a vacation with her friends. Derek just happens to live where she's vacationing, and you'll see what happens ;). My Derek is pretty canon, because I love Derek, but Meredith is a little out of character. Ellis doesn't have Alzheimers, and Meredith isn't a drunken slut like she's portrayed in the first couple of seasons of Grey's (I love dark and twisty Meredith, I do, but this Meredith needs to be different). Just a heads up, in this fic, there is no Addison, and no Rose. There are, however, references of Finn, but I'm not a hundred percent sure that he'll make an appearance in this story. And, I'm warning you all in advance, they will not always be together, but they will end up together, as they always should. I really hope you like the story, I've kind of based it around the song Still by Matt Nathanson (I recommend you all listen to it, it's one of my favorites). Anyway, let me know what you think**_

_**Oh, and this is told in first person from Meredith's point of view, with occasional input from Derek. Let me know if you like it or not, I can easily change it.**_

**Still**

_Still by Matt Nathanson_

_I remember hearts that beat yeah, yeah_  
_I remember you and me,yeah, oh yeah_  
_Tangled in hotel sheets_  
_You wore me out_  
_You wore me out_

_I remember honey lips and words so true_  
_I remember nonstop earthquake dreams of you_  
_You're coming on fast like good dreams do_  
_All night long_

_Still can feel you kiss me love_  
_Still can see your brown skin shine, shine_  
_Still can feel you kiss me love_  
_Come on and drive me wild (me wild)_

_And you move like water, yeah_  
_And you broke like waves_  
_I've never been deeper, so far gone_  
_Your sister in the next room with the television on_

_Still can feel you kiss me love_  
_Still can see your brown skin shine, shine_  
_Still can feel you kiss me love_  
_Come on and drive me wild_  
_Come on and drive me wild_  
_Come on and drive me wild_

_I remember hearts that beat,yeah_  
_I remember you and me_  
_Tangled in hotel sheets (for hours)_

_Still can feel you kiss me love_  
_Still can see your brown skin shine, shine_  
_Still can feel you kiss me love_  
_Come on and drive me wild_

_Still can feel you kiss me love_  
_Still can see your eyes like diamonds, diamonds_  
_Memories are strong enough_  
_To come on and drive me wild_  
_Come on and drive me wild_

**Chapter One: Call me Maybe**

"Come on Meredith!" Sadie said, grabbing my arm and pulling it towards the club.

"Coming," I groaned, still not a hundred percent sure why I agreed to come along tonight. But then again, I didn't want to be alone in my house in a strange country by myself all night while my friends were out partying.

I guess you could say that I've always been a good girl. I had a rebellious phase my freshman and sophomore years of high school, but I straightened up quickly when I realized the best way to get back at my mother was to prove her wrong. If the great Ellis Grey was convinced that I was going to make nothing of myself, then it was my new goal to make myself better than her. I got into Dartmouth College, a top ranked school, by the skin of my teeth, and I worked my ass off to get into their medical program. Along the way I met Sadie, Izzie and Cristina, and we became friends fast. But now, it's the middle of May, and we all just graduated Med School. Izzie, Cristina and I will be doing our internship on the west coast, while Sadie will stay close to Boston and work in a morgue before applying for her internship. As a graduation present to ourselves, the four of us rented a house in London for the next two months, and we were all determined to have a good time.

Except I didn't want to go to a club.

I partied a little in college, but I was so hell bent on being better than my mother that I didn't go out every night of the week, get drunk, and hook up with a random guy. I wanted to, but I had my future to think about.

"Stop complaining Meredith, and live a little! We let you stay all uptight and bookwormy for the past eight years, and now it is time to loosen you up!" My 'person' Cristina said as she showed the bouncer her ID. She was by far my closest friend, and we got each other in a way that Izzie and Sadie didn't. She understood me, and rarely judged.

"I'm not complaining!" I insisted, entering the club and met with earthshattering sound. Some kind of hip-hop was playing, which personally wasn't my taste, but I could probably start dancing if I had something to drink.

A half hour and three shots later, and we were all feeling a little giggly. Sadie had gone off to dance with some hot European, but the rest of us were just hanging out.

"Oooh, why don't you go dance with that one Mer?" Izzie said, pointing to a guy with blonde hair. He was really hot, but he didn't seem like my type.

"Eh, no thanks," I said casually.

"Why, do you think Finn would get mad?" Cristina said sarcastically.

"Cristina, we broke up three weeks ago!" I snapped, not wanting to talk about it.

"It's alright that he dumped you Meredith," Izzie said sympathetically.

"_He _did not dump me, _I _dumped him! We weren't right for each other, we wanted different things."

"Yeah, he wanted to fuck you because you hadn't put out after two years and you said no," Cristina shot back, and I could feel my cheeks turning crimson. She was right, Finn had been very patient, but after two years, he was pressing me to sleep with him. It was one of the many things we fought about towards the end of our relationship, and was probably part of his 'we want different things' argument. He wanted to settle down and get married, and I couldn't, not yet.

"No, he wanted to get married and have kids, and I wanted to start my career first." I hissed before looking around the club, looking for a bathroom I could lock myself into for a little while. While scanning, I locked eyes with a very intense stare across the room, causing me to blush again. The guy staring at me was probably about 5'10 or 5'11, with wavy dark hair and what I assumed was a great body. He smiled at me, his eyes crinkling, and I felt something that I had never felt before, not even with Finn: a spark. We stared at each other for a long minute until we were interrupted.

Our eye sex was interrupted by the bartender, who came over to refill our drinks. I quickly ordered a double tequila shot and looked back to the guy, but he had vanished. _Damn_, I swore to myself as the bartender came back with our drinks, and I took a sip of the burning amber liquid.

"Uh, excuse me?" A deep, masculine voice said behind me. I turned around, and there he was, the hot stranger. He was looking at me with interest, a hint of a smile on his face.

"Hi," I squeaked out, turning red again. _Smooth Meredith, real smooth._

"I uh, was wondering if I could buy you a drink?" he asked, stuttering a little. If he didn't look as hot as he was, I would say he was nervous. He was wearing jeans, and I red button down shirt, left unbuttoned and rolled up to his elbows, revealing a white tee shirt underneath. Plus, he had an American accent, which I wasn't expecting considering the fact that I was in England, but it sounded good coming from him. He looked like a model, a hot, hot model.

"That would be nice, but I already have one," I said, smiling at him and raising my shot of tequila.

"Oh, I see," he said, dismayed. But suddenly, his face lit up like a light bulb had gone off in his head. "Well then, do you want to dance?"

_What?_

My mouth hung open in shock until Izzie coughed loudly and Cristina nudged me. "I um, I I don't think that's a good idea," I stuttered out, and I could hear Cristina groan audibly beside me.

"Oh, why not?" the hot stranger looked perplexed, as if he couldn't see a good reason for me to turn him down. And honestly, I couldn't really think of one myself.

"Well, for one, you… I …." I struggled for a reason behind my decline, and then it clicked. "I don't know you," I said, almost triumphantly.

"Oh, well that's easily fixable. I'm Derek Shepherd."

"This is Meredith," Izzie said before I could even open my mouth. I glared at her, but she just smiled back at me.

"Meredith," he repeated with a smile, and the way he said my name made me want to turn to jelly. My name had never sounded better than the way he just said it. "So Meredith, do you want to dance with me?"

"Well…" I began, trying desperately to think of an excuse to turn him down, but I was interrupted.

"Of course she will."

This time, the voice came from Cristina, who shoved me off of my chair, causing me to stumble right into Derek's arms.

"Yeah, sure fine," I muttered to him, looking back at my friends with murderous looks before letting him lead me to the dance floor.

When we reached the hardwood floor, I turned around, and he placed his hands on my hips. I grinded with him for a song, with my back and ass pressed against his front. I had to admit, I kind of liked it. I was never a very good dancer, and could never really move with a beat, and it didn't seem like he could either. We found ourselves laughing as we struggled to move with the song, and I really liked his laugh. As the song ended and another heavy, hip hop song played, I stepped away, but he turned me around and pulled me closer to him. It was then that I realized that his eyes were the most amazing color blue, and I found myself unable to pull away from him, even though I did only promise him one dance.

Rather than pull away like I intended, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, and pressed myself closer, grinding into him for the next several dances. We chatted a little, but we mainly just stared at each other, and when he looked at me with those blue eyes and smiled, I got lost in his expression.

After three or four songs that I didn't really know, an annoyingly addictive song from home came on the radio. We continued to dance until I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned my head and saw Cristina smirking at me, and I instinctively stepped away from Derek, though he still held on to my waist.

"We're leaving now, do you want us to wait for you?" Cristina asked, glancing between me and Derek.

"Oh, yeah. Yes, definitely. I'll be right there," I managed to answer, but Cristina gave me a knowing look before turning and walking away.

_I wasn't looking for this_

_But now you're in my way_

_Your stare was holdin'_

_Ripped jeans, skin was showin'_

_Where you think you're goin' baby?_

"This was great Derek," I said, stepping back from him. "But I have to go."

He let go of my hips and smiled at me. I was about to turn away when he blurted. "Can I give you my number?"

"What?" I exclaimed, shocked. "Why?"

"So you can call me," he answered, rolling his eyes.

"Um, I'm not sure it would be a good idea," I said slowly, though a part of me really wanted to say yes.

"Why not?" he asked.

"Because I don't know you!" I said, recalling our conversation from an hour ago. "For all I know you could be some crazy psycho killer who prays on innocent tourists. You might not even be American." I took a step further away from him.

"Meredith, I promise you that I'm American, and I'm just asking for coffee. Once. If you don't like me, you can never see me again. But I'm just asking for a chance." He grabbed a napkin and pulled out a pen, scribbling his number down and handing it to me. "Please," he asked softly, cocking his head to the side and giving me an adorable smile.

I was torn. A part of me really wanted to say yes, he was gorgeous, and our chemistry was undeniable. I felt more intensity when simply staring into his eyes for an hour than I had felt in the entire two years I was with Finn. But this was crazy; I was in England for two months, and then I'm beginning a rigorous internship program. Do I really want to start something and risk getting attached to a guy over a fling that can't go anywhere?

_Hey, I just met you_

_And this is crazy._

_But here's my number,_

_So call me maybe_

I thought about it while Derek gave me his puppy dog eyes, and maybe it was all of the alcohol, or maybe it was just him, but I made a quick decision. I grabbed the pen out of his hand and pulled his hand towards me roughly. I knew this could end badly, but I scribbled my international phone number down on his hand, and when I let it go, I gave him a smile as I leaned into him.

"Call me maybe," I whispered into his ear in time with the song, smiling at him as I turned around and headed to the exit where my friends were waiting.


	2. Tonight, We Are Young

_**A/N: Ahh, you guys were amazing with the reviews! You seem to really like the story so far, which puts a ton of pressure on me to make it good, so I hope I live up to your expectations! Just an FYI, I'm almost positive that you cannot do your residency in another country, because countries like the US don't accept medical degrees from other countries, but it's my fic and I'm going to bend the rules a little. Enjoy!**_

**Chapter 2: Tonight, We Are Young**

_And you feel like falling down  
I'll carry you home  
Tonight  
We are young  
So let's set the world on fire  
We can burn brighter than the sun_

Two days. I had given my number to that Derek guy two days ago, and he had yet to call me back. I'm not a hundred percent sure why I care so much, but I do. Maybe it was because I have never given my phone number out to random guys in clubs. Or maybe it was because he was really hot, or maybe because for the first time, I felt this really strong attraction to this guy and couldn't get him out of my head.

"Two days! Two freaking days!" I exclaimed with exasperation as I wandered into the living room, where Cristina was living me. We rented a two bedroom, two floor townhouse right in the middle of London, so Izzie and Sadie were out sightseeing for the day.

"I know," Cristina placated.

"Two days, seriously? Who waits two days to call someone if they supposedly like them?" I saw Cristina roll her eyes as I spoke. I know I had been obsessing over this whole thing, but it isn't that difficult to do when I can't get those gorgeous eyes out of my head, or the way his body felt pressed against mine when we were dancing…

"Well, there is a three day rule in America," Cristina replied, shaking me out of my potentially porny reveries.

"Yeah, but we aren't in America!" I responded.

"But the guy is an American, and therefore just as stupid," Cristina shot back. "Seriously Mer, why are you so hung up on this guy? We're in England, a country full of hot guys with hot accents, and you want to go after the one American? Forget about him and look for a British hottie."

"Yeah, you're right," I agreed, nodding vigorously with new determination to forget all about Derek. "Derek who?"

Then, as if on cue, my phone started ringing. I jumped in surprise, dropping my phone on the floor. Cristina looked up at me, raising her eyebrows and giving me a weird look. I ignored her, looking down at my phone, my heart racing as I looked at the name on the display, the name of the guy I exchanged numbers with two days ago.

Quieting the thoughts racing through my head, I answered the phone slowly.

"Hello?" I said hesitantly.

"Uh, hi," a male voice said into the phone, sounding nervous. It was a voice I knew, Derek's voice, and I felt myself blush at the thought. "Is this Meredith?"

"Yeah, I mean yes. Derek?" I found myself answering.

"Yes, hi," I heard a sigh as relief filled his voice. "How are you?"

"Hi," I answered unable to keep from smiling. "I'm good. Though, I was about to give up on you ever calling."

"I'm sorry," Derek said; his remorse evident, even over the phone. "I was working."

"For forty eight hours straight?" I scoffed.

"Actually yes," Derek responded. "I'm a doctor."

"Oh," I stuttered, feeling myself blush again. _Good job Meredith, _I thought. _Smooth move. _"Sorry, I didn't mean to be rude."

"It's alright Meredith," Derek laughed. "I would be pissed off too if I was stood up by a guy as good looking as me."

"You are not that good looking," I teased, though I knew I was lying; I found him incredibly hot.

"Maybe not right now because I just got off a forty eight hour shift. The other night, the other night I was very good looking. I had my red shirt on, my good looking shirt and-"

"Alright, I get it," I laughed, interrupting him.

"So," he began. "I was thinking, since you gave me your number and all, you would like to go out with me later this evening."

"Hmm," I hummed, pretending to think about it. "And what would this evening involve exactly."

"You know, dinner, a movie. Nothing too serious. What do you say?" Though he tried to hide it, he couldn't hide the hopeful tone of his voice, which caused me to smile.

"Yeah sure, why not?" I said casually, but equally excited.

"Great!" Derek exclaimed. "How about I pick you up around 6:30. Where are you staying?"

I gave him the address, which for some reason caused him to start laughing. "What?" I demanded.

"Nothing, it's just that I live like ten minutes from there, and I work at the hospital a block away. Had I known that, I at least would have used a lunch break to come see you," he said.

"Yeah, well that might have freaked me out because I didn't give you my address," I joked.

"Well, now you did, so I'll be visiting soon."

"I wouldn't be too sure about that," I shot back.

"Yeah, but I know it's true," Derek replied.

I blushed again, unsure how to respond. "Listen, I promised my friend we'd go to lunch, so I gotta go."

"Alright," Derek said, and I could feel the smile in his voice. "I'll see you tonight."

"See you," I said as I hung up.

"What was that about?" Cristina said, and I jumped, completely forgetting she was in the room.

"Nothing," I said, trying not to smile.

"Didn't sound like nothing," she shot back. "Now, spill."

I sighed. "I have a date with McDreamy."

**XXXXXX**

Six hours later, I was studying myself in the mirror. Derek said that the dress was casual, so I wore a loose black mini skirt with a white tank top rucked into it and a black cardigan, left unbuttoned. I was nervous, really, really nervous. I don't remember ever being nervous for a first date before. Then again, I've only ever been on one first date before, and that was with Finn.

When I was in high school, I didn't date, I slept around. A lot. I still worked hard and got good grades and all that jazz, but I wasn't the relationship type. I continued my ways through most of med school, until I got a little too close to a herpes outbreak for my comfort. I was clean. But I swore off one night stands, and men in general, after that, and threw myself even more into my schoolwork. Then, in my second year of med school, I met Finn.

We met at the end of my second year of Dartmouth Med School; finals had just ended, so Cristina and I went to a bar to celebrate, where I met Finn Dandridge, a third year Veterinary Medicine student. He was nice, and we flirted. He asked me out at the end of the night, and I said yes. He turned out to be a really nice guy. He was sweet and didn't push me into anything, and I loved him, or at least I thought I did. Looking back, it was more of a glorified friendship than a relationship. He was a great guy, but if I had to compare my feelings for Finn in the first six months of our relationship to what I've felt for Derek after knowing him only two days, there would be no comparison. I was instantly attracted to Derek, and I felt a connection, with Finn, it was slow building, it took time. Though Finn was great, we started to fall apart after I told him I wanted to do my residency in Seattle and kept refusing to sleep with him. Six months later, and here I am, going out on a date with a random stranger in a foreign country when I'm only here for two months.

Which reminds me…

I heard the doorbell ring as I ran a brush through my hair one last time before I heard Izzie call up the stairs. "Mer, someone's at the door for you!"

"Be right there," I shouted back, examining myself in the mirror a final time, not one hundred percent happy with my appearance. "I guess this will have to do," I muttered as I grabbed my purse and made my way downstairs.

When I reached the landing, I saw Derek. He was wearing khakis with a blue button up shirt, a bright shade of blue that brought out his eyes. He looked good, seriously good.

When his eyes met mine, he gave me the most gorgeous smile in the world, and I couldn't help but melt a little inside. His eyes wandered up and down my body, and I felt very insecure, knowing how closely he was taking in my appearance. But as I watched him stare at my outfit, his smile grew wider, and his eyes became wide, almost in awe of me. When his eyes finally reached mine again, he looked speechless for a moment.

"You look amazing," he said finally, his voice full of reverence.

"Thanks," I said shyly, feeling myself blush. "You clean up pretty well yourself."

He chuckled at that, stepping forward, and I had no idea what he was doing. Then, he placed his hands lightly on my shoulders, and kissed me softly on the cheek. Well, I assume it was softly, because all I could feel was the electric current running through the spot on my cheek where his lips had brushed and radiating throughout my body. I'm pretty sure he felt it too, or at least he looked like he felt it.

"Alright, we should get going," Derek said, offering me his arm as Izzie stared at me, making weird faces. I stuck my tongue out at her as I grabbed Derek's arm, letting him lead me from my house.

"Have fun tonight!" Izzie called to us as we reached Derek's car. Derek smiled at her as he helped me into the car, and I waved in response as he moved to the driver's side and got in.

"So, where to?" I asked.

"Just a place a couple miles away. Do you like pizza?" He asked, looking at me with worry as I snorted in response.

"What? Is something wrong?"

"No Derek," I said. "Trust me, I love pizza. I'm the kind of girl that will eat it the next day for breakfast."

I watched with amusement as Derek grimaced at my answer. "Cold pizza for breakfast? That's just sad."

"Yeah, well I can't cook," I shrugged. "And if we order pizza the night before and I don't feel like cereal, I eat the leftovers."

"Someone needs to change your eating habits," he chuckled, and I laughed along with him, wondering if he would be the one to do so.

A couple of hours later, we were sitting at dinner. We decided to catch a movie first before we ate, which meant that we didn't have a lot of time to talk or get to know each other until we sat down at the restaurant. Though I was assuming it would be awkward, it really wasn't; we talked about random things for most of the night, commenting on people's hair and appearances.

"So," I began as I finished a slice of pizza. "Why exactly are you in London. I mean, you're American, but you said you were a doctor."

"Oh," Derek said, taking a sip of his drink before continuing. "When I applied for my residencies, I stumbled upon University College Hospital. It has a great teaching program, and I wanted to get away and do something different, and London sounded like a good idea. I wasn't able to make a clean break though, my friend Mark always has to do everything I do, so he applied and was accepted to the program as well. We live just a few blocks from the hospital, relatively close to you."

"I see, and what year are you in again? I know you already told me, but I couldn't remember."

"Fourth year," Derek replied simply, not at all offended that I forgot something he told me. "I'm twenty nine."

"Twenty five, but I'll be twenty-six in June," I replied. "And I get what you mean about the space thing. My friends and I went to med school on the east coast, and I wanted a change too, so I applied to a lot of west coast hospitals and decided to go to Seattle Grace Hospital. Of, course, only after I made it official did Cristina and Izzie inform me that they applied there as well and they were going," I laughed at the end, and Derek joined in. I was quickly learning that I really liked his laugh.

"So, you're only here on vacation?" Derek asked.

"Yeah, eight weeks," I answered. "I actually would have preferred to go to Italy, but I was outnumbered three to one, so maybe I'll try to get there for a weekend or something. Anyway, I'm here for eight weeks, then we fly back July 5, and then we move out to Seattle, where I start working on July fifteenth."

"Oh, I see," he said, and I saw disappointment flash through his eyes briefly. I couldn't help but feel the same sense of disappointment about the fact that in eight weeks, we will be six thousand miles apart.

However, the disappointment in his eyes quickly faded, only to be replaced by a small smile. "I guess I'll just have to take advantage of the short amount of time we have together."

I began choking on my wine, not expecting him to say that. "What?" I croaked out when I finally cleared my throat. "I mean, you want to spend time with me?"

"Of course I do," Derek said, as if I had said something ridiculous. "Do you not want to?"

"No, I do. It's just, I didn't realize, never mind," I stuttered out. "Forget I said anything, I do want to spend time with you."

He smiled at me, a really dreamy, make my knees melt smile. And I couldn't help but smile back at him.

"Okay," he said softly as the waitress approached our table with the check.

We didn't talk very much for five minutes as he paid and waited for the receipt, but as we stood up, he took my hand and led me outside. I felt the warmth and energy seep from my hand through the rest of my body, and I didn't want to let go. And I realized that I really did want to spend the next six weeks with him, even if it just makes it harder when I have to leave.

"So, did you have a nice time?" Derek asked as he pulled up to the townhouse, getting out of the car and moving to my side so he could open the door for me.

"I did," I replied as he took my hand and walked me to my stoop.

"Do you want to do this again?" he asked as I turned to face him, suddenly caught off guard with how close his face was to mine.

"Yeah, I would," I said, giving him a small smile. He grinned down at me, slowly tilting his head lower. I angled my chin up a little so that I could meet my lips with his. He brushed his lips softly against mine. It was barely a kiss, but it was nice, and gentle, and had me going weak at the knees again, just like his smile. I don't think I had never been kissed like that before. It was innocent, but yet there was an intensity to it, and I couldn't help feel disappointed as Derek pulled a way, the smile on his face imitating my own.

"I'll call you tomorrow, okay?" Derek asked hopefully.

"Okay," I nodded. "Bye Derek."

"Goodnight Meredith," he answered, kissing me softly once more before he turned around and walked towards his car, leaving me to fumble with the lock on the door, my mind still swirling with all of the sudden feelings I felt for him.


	3. Glad You Came

_**A/N: Because it's Grey's Day and Ellen and Patrick have renewed their Grey's Anatomy contracts for another two seasons, I wanted to give you all this update. Now, it's short and kind of filler-ish, but I hope that you enjoy it anyway and let me know what you think.**_

**Chapter 3: Glad You Came**

_The sun goes down  
The stars come out  
And all that counts  
Is here and now  
My universe will never be the same  
I'm glad you came_

_You cast a spell on me, spell on me_  
_You hit me like the sky fell on me, fell on me_  
_And I decided you look well on me, well on me_  
_So let's go somewhere no-one else can see, you and me_

"Are you sure you'll be fine here by yourself for the weekend?" Cristina asked as she finished packing her bag.

"Yes, I'll be fine," I rolled my eyes. "Derek will keep me company."

It had been two weeks since we first met, and Derek and I had been spending a lot of time together. If he wasn't working, we would either hang out at my place or his, or sometimes walk around London. I would say that we were dating, but I refuse to think of it like that, since dating suggests a future and ours ends in about six weeks. So, we're just friends. Friends who hold hands, and kiss, and make out…

"Meredith!" Cristina said loudly, and I whipped my head towards her.

"What?" I asked.

"You weren't even paying attention!"

"Sorry, distracted," I say sheepishly.

"Uh-huh," Cristina said, rolling her eyes. "I asked when you would be seeing Derek."

"He's working until seven tonight, and then he has tomorrow off, so we'll probably be together until he goes to work on Sunday."

"Okay," she nodded, getting up, and I followed her out. "There are condoms in the cookie jar, don't forget to use them."

"Cristina!" I exclaimed. "Derek and I, we aren't, we're not having sex! We're just friends."

"Sexy friends," Cristina smirked.

"Shut up!"

"Whatever Mer, just don't get too attached. You do have to leave him," Cristina said knowingly.

"I know," I said softly, trying to soothe the butterflies that appeared in my stomach whenever I thought about leaving Derek.

We reached the hall, where Sadie and Izzie were waiting for Cristina. I hugged Sadie and Izzie, and just smiled at Cristina. "Have fun in Scotland guys."

"Are you sure you don't want to come Mer?" Izzie asked, half whining. "We're going to be doing so many fun things!"

"Trust me, she has plenty to _do _this weekend," Cristina said, emphasizing the _do _to make it sound dirty.

"Shut up," I hissed at her. "It's fine Izzie, I'll see you guys on Monday. Have fun!"

After a flurry of waves and packing the car, they were off, and I found myself alone in the townhouse all weekend. I'd never stayed here by myself before. Maybe Derek would stay with me, but not for sex, just because I don't want to be lonely.

At seven fifteen, I was sitting on the couch, watching the British show _East Enders _and waiting for Derek to pick me up. We weren't doing anything exciting tonight, I figured we would probably just go to a bar, and then come back here and crash for the night, just spend some time together. The show had just gone to a commercial when I heard a knock at the door, knowing it was Derek. I skipped towards the door, smiling as I opened it.

"You look nice," Derek smiled. I was wearing a casual black dress with heels, and he was in a red button down and khakis.

"Thank you, so do you," I smiled, reaching to grab a sweater from the closet. "What are we doing tonight?"

"I was thinking we could just head to a pub a couple blocks over, do you mind?" Derek said, leaning in to kiss me on the cheek.

"No, not at all," I replied, slipping the sweater over my shoulders as I moved to shut the door.

"Where are your friends?" Derek asked.

"Oh, they wanted to go to Scotland for the weekend, so they left this morning," I responded.

"And you didn't want to go?"

"Uh, no," I said slowly. A part of me did want to go with them, but a much bigger part of me wanted to stay here and spend as much time as possible with Derek, and I didn't want to admit that to him.

"Oh, okay," Derek smiled. "I don't mind, it means I get to spend more time with you. How long are they gone?" He asked, taking my hand in his as we made our way down the sidewalk.

"Monday morning," I said, thinking that this would be as good a time as any to ask him to stay. "Do you think…I mean, would you mind staying with me tonight? I mean, we wouldn't do anything. Or a lot of things, but I'm kind of freaked out about being there by myself all night, and since you have the day off tomorrow, you could sleep over, unless you don't want to-"

"Meredith," Derek laughed, cutting me off. "I would love to keep you company tonight. And we won't do anything you don't want to, okay?" he squeezed my hand, and I immediately felt comforted.

We headed to the pub, which had a seating area as well as a small dance floor, where they had a jukebox where people kept playing music. We ate dinner for about an hour, chatting about Derek's cases at work and what I had done yesterday before moving to the bar. By that time a DJ had appeared and started playing music, causing people to dance. I wasn't really in the mood for dancing, I just wanted to sit and drink for a little while.

One hour and six tequila shots later, I didn't want to just sit and talk to Derek, I wanted to dance. My mind was all fuzzy and cloudy, and everything was getting kind of porny.

"Come on Derek," I urged, grabbing his hand and I heard my voice slur a little. "Dance with me!"

"Mer, I don't know, you've had a lot to drink," Derek said slowly, still holding my hand to prevent me from moving towards the dance floor.

"I'm fine," I insisted, grabbing another shot from a waitress' tray as she walked by, downing it in one gulp. "See, perfectly okay. Now dance with me, just like we did when we first met." I demanded, pulling his arm once more. He smiled at me then, allowing himself to slip off the chair and let me pull him to the dance floor.

_Turn the lights out now  
Now I'll take you by the hand  
Hand you another drink  
Drink it if you can  
Can you spend a little time,  
Time is slipping away,  
Away from us so stay,  
Stay with me I can make,  
Make you glad you came_

I'm not really sure how long we danced, but eventually I got bored, and started feeling a little horny. It had been a while since I last had sex. I hadn't had sex with Finn, and I think I stopped sleeping with random guys a year before that, so it had been about three years, and I'm starting to want sex. Or at least, sex with Derek.

I turned in his arms so that I was facing him, stepping up on my tiptoes so I could whisper in his ear. "Wanna get out of here?" I asked, before shifting my lips downward to kiss his neck.

"Absolutely," Derek muttered, grabbing my hand and practically dragging me out of the bar.

We stumbled out on to the street, but soon Derek decided that I wasn't steady enough to walk on my own, so he let me hop on his back and he carried me down the street.

"Meredith, where's your key?" Derek asked when we reached the house.

"In my pocket," I answered. "Let me down."

He crouched down, letting me slip off of him slowly; he caught me as I stumbled back. I reached into my pocket and grabbed my key and handed it to him, not trusting myself to fumble with the key in the lock. When he finally got the door open, I raced by him, dragging him up the stairs with me. It was official, I wanted sex.

As soon as the door shut in my room, I turned and jumped him. Literally. I wrapped my legs around his waist, plunging my tongue in his mouth as he gripped my hips to steady me.

"Derek," I moaned when I pulled away from him, my hands reaching for his shirt.

"Yeah?" he said, letting me down, where I promptly took off my heels.

"I want sex," I said, reaching for the belt on his pants.

"Whoa Mer," Derek said, stepping away from me, causing me to become confused. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?" I whined, pulling at the zipper on my dress. When I unzipped it all the way, I let the dress fall off and pool at my feet, leaving me in a lacy black bra and panties. I watched Derek as he groaned at me and gulped, causing me to smile.

"Because," he began. "You're drunk, and earlier you didn't seem to want to, so I don't want you to regret anything."

"That was earlier," I said, moving to unhook my bra. "But I haven't had sex in three years, not even with Finn. And I want sex now."

"Well, now we're definitely not having sex," Derek said, moving to my closet and pulling out gym shorts and a tee shirt, walking back towards me and handing them to me. "Come on, put these on and we'll go to bed."

My heart sank, _he didn't want me. _"You don't want to sleep with me?" I said quietly, my voice trembling as tears filled my eyes.

"No, Meredith, no," Derek said fiercely, grabbing me and pulling me into a hug. "I do want you Meredith, I promise I do. But I don't want to sleep with you like this. Not when you're this drunk, and not when you haven't had sex in so long, because I'm sure there's a reason. If we have sex, which I promise you I hope we do, I want us to both want it and remember it, especially because you aren't going to be here much longer. Is that okay?"

While he was talking, my head and eyes became heavy, and I suddenly wanted to sleep. I understood what he was saying, and a part of me was even grateful for it. "Okay," I nodded against his chest, pulling away so I could slip on the tee shirt and shorts. "But you'll still stay with me right?"

"Of course Meredith," Derek chuckled. I climbed into bed as Derek took off his shirt and pants, sliding into bed beside me. I turned over on my side as Derek switched on the light, expecting him to just turn over and sleep. Surprisingly, I felt him press his body next to mine and drape an arm over my waist. "Goodnight," he whispered in my ear, kissing my cheek.

"Night," I mumbled, cuddling closer to him as I slipped into unconsciousness.


	4. Sparks Fly

_**A/N: Thank you all for the amazing reviews, and I'm so excited that you all seem to like the story. I hope you guys like this part, but it does get a little porny. I'm not one hundred percent sure how much sex is going to be in this fic, but it might end of moving up to an M rating, which I hope you guys don't mind. Enjoy!**_

**Chapter 4: ****Sparks Fly**

_I run my fingers through your hair and watch the lights go wild.  
Just keep on keeping your eyes on me, it's just wrong enough to make it feel right.  
And lead me up the staircase  
Won't you whisper soft and slow?  
I'm captivated by you, baby, like a firework show._

I woke up to a pounding headache, regretting however much I drank last night; it had been a while since I was drunk, so my tolerance was not as high as it once was.

I tried to roll over to see what time it was, but couldn't because Derek's arm was still draped over my waist.

_Wait what?_

I tensed as I turned my head to look at Derek, who was apparently sleeping in my bed. I mentally freaked out even more when I saw that he was shirtless and quickly looked down at myself to see if I was wearing any clothes. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that I was wearing my Dartmouth shirt, but it was short lived as everything I did last night came flooding back to me. I covered my face with my hands, massaging my forehead as I attempted to simultaneously relieve my headache and pull all memories of trying to have sex with Derek out of my brain.

"What's wrong?"

I jumped out the sound of his voice, turning my head back to look at him. Derek's amazing blue eyes stared back at me, filled with concern on a hint of amusement over my reaction to his voice.

"Nothing, I just wish I could cut out part of my brain so I could forget last night even happened," I groaned, attempting to get out of bed, but Derek held me in place.

"Why?" he asked, his voice soothing as he shifted his hand to my stomach and gently rubbed circles over it, as if trying to calm me down. I had to admit, it did help a little.

"Because I acted like an absolute idiot!" I exclaimed, throwing my hands in the air.

"You were actually pretty cute," Derek offered, smiling at me as I rolled over so that we were both laying on our sides, staring at each other.

"What about me jumping you?" I shot back.

"Highlight of my night," Derek chuckled, and I felt my face turn red. "But it also reminded me of how sexy you are." He leaned in and kissed me softly on the lips. I kissed him back after a moment, and we stayed like that for several seconds, sharing slow kisses until we both needed to come up for air.

When Derek pulled away, he only moved his head about six inches from mine, so that we were still very close to one another. We just stared at each other, I couldn't tear myself away from his bright blue eyes; they were so captivating. We had been doing that a lot recently, just staring at each other and not saying anything. It was weird; I had never done that with anyone before. But then again, no one had ever made me feel even close to the way Derek did.

"Who's Finn?" Derek said suddenly as he brushed back some strands of hair that had fallen in my face.

"What?" I asked, vaguely remembering mentioning Finn last night.

"Last night, when you were trying to get me to have sex with you, you told me you hadn't had sex in years, not even with Finn. So, who is he?" Derek didn't seem accusatory, just curious.

I thought about not telling him because it might be awkward. But he was looking at me with those eyes, and giving me a gorgeous smile, and then he slightly nodded his head, as if to encourage me.

"He's my ex-boyfriend," I whispered.

"Oh," he nodded, giving me a small smile. "How long were the two of you together?"

"Almost two years. We met at the end of my second year of Med School and broke up a couple of months ago."

"Why?" Derek asked. He was confusing me; I didn't understand why he kept asking, or why he cared.

"Why do you care?" I snapped. "Is it to see if you're some sort of rebound guy, or if I'm too damaged to be around you?"

"No, not at all," Derek replied simply, shaking his head. "I want to know everything about you Meredith, including your exes, and I'm not going to judge you on your past." He gave me that damn McDreamy look again, and I just caved.

"We wanted different things," I sighed. "He wanted to stay in New England, get married, and start a family. But I wanted to do my residency in Seattle, and I didn't want to get married yet. And I think the fact that I wasn't sleeping with him after almost two years kind of pissed him off, so we just ended it."

"Why didn't you sleep with him? I mean, don't take this the wrong way, but you seemed pretty eager to hop into bed with me last night, so I can't imagine you're holding out for marriage."

"No," I laughed. "I uh, used to sleep around a lot. But then a former sex friend ended up with an STD, which thank God I didn't have, plus I kind of have trust issues as it is, so I figured it would just be a good idea if I stopped the sleeping around thing. Then I met Finn, and he was my first real relationship, so he said we could go as slow as I wanted, but I think he eventually got sick of waiting."

"Aw, Mer, that's terrible," he said softly, reaching to cup my cheek with his hand.

"It's alright, we weren't right for each other anyway," I said dismissively, smiling at him.

"So, was that the alcohol talking last night?" Derek asked subtly, and I knew exactly what he was referring to. He wanted to know if I was only willing to sleep with him because I was drunk, not because I wanted to.

"The alcohol made me much more bold," I began. "But it wasn't completely the alcohol talking."

He nodded at me, silent for a moment as he stroked my cheek. "What makes me different than Finn, or any past guys?"

"I honestly don't know," I sighed. "But I feel comfortable here, with you. I've never felt more comfortable or content around a guy before. And I know that the level of attraction I had to Finn after two years has nothing on how attracted I am to you now." I said the last part quietly, ducking my head down in embarrassment.

I felt the mattress shift as Derek moved closer to me, pressing himself up against me, and tilting my chin up to face him. "I can honestly say that I've never been more attracted to anyone in my life than you Meredith Grey," he said huskily, and before I could reply, he captured my lips with his own, pulling me into a slow, sensual kiss that I never wanted to end.

**XXXXXX**

Later that night, we were walking through the Jubilee Gardens, heading towards the Thames. We didn't sleep together this morning, but Derek did mention that the next time I try and seduce him, he would not be saying no.

We had spent all afternoon together, talking easily at times, and other times we spent in silence. The silence wasn't awkward; it was actually really comfortable as we wandered around London hand in hand. After doing a little shopping, we had dinner or supper or whatever the British call it; we got sandwiches from a little shop and had a picnic in Jubilee Park before deciding to walk around.

Eventually, we reached the west end of the park, which opened up to the Thames River. We sat down on a park bench near the river bank, and Derek put his arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer to him. I cuddled into him, resting my head against his chest as he kissed my forehead and placed his chin on top of my head. I closed my eyes and sighed in comfort, never feeling as content and safe in my life.

When I opened my eyes again, I scanned the bank, and saw a large Ferris Wheel nearby, and tried to remember what I had read about it. "Is that the London Eye?" I asked, pointing towards it.

Derek turned his head in the direction in which I was pointing. "It is," he confirmed. "It has a great view of London at night."

I crawled out of his lap and stood up, reaching for his hand. "Come on," I said, pulling him up.

"Where are we going?" Derek laughed, though he followed easily behind me.

"On the London Eye, I want to see it," I explained as we got closer.

"Are you sure you aren't afraid of heights?" Derek asked. "It goes pretty high up."

"I'll be fine," I answered, rolling my eyes.

Derek paid for my ticket, despite my protests, and after about ten minutes of waiting, we got walked into one of the enclosed capsules. There were about ten other people on board with us, and I quickly made my way towards the side, pressing myself up against the glass. Derek moved to stand behind me and to my left, one of his arms resting around my waist and the other holding on to the railing in front of us.

We slowly made our way up the Wheel, every couple of feet earning us a better, more beautiful, look of London. I was practically bouncing up and down as we got closer to the highest part of the London Eye, causing Derek to laugh in amusement. But I didn't care, I just couldn't wait to see the view of London from the top.

When we finally reached the highest point, almost four hundred and fifty feet in the air, I gasped in awe. "It's so beautiful," I breathed.

"Yeah it is," Derek agreed, squeezing my waist. I turned to look at him, and he was staring back at me, wearing an expression I couldn't quite make out.

"What," I asked, feeling myself blush a little.

"You're just..." he began, before trailing off. He took a deep breath, before leaning closer to me. "You are just absolutely amazing, and I can't help but be completely captivated by you and everything you do." I felt myself go week at the knees as he kissed me, wrapping my arms around his neck as he slid his tongue into my mouth, not even caring that there were other people in the capsule to see our very obvious and intimate public display of affection. Right now, all I cared about was kissing Derek Shepherd and never stopping.

When we finally pulled away, he was smiling down at me, and I beamed up at him. "You're pretty amazing too," I said, glancing out the window to see that we were approaching the ground. "Come on," I said, taking his hand and slowly leading him towards the door.

"You don't want to go around again?" he asked.

"No," I answered, stepping closer to him and standing on my tiptoes so I could whisper into his ear. "I really need to be alone with you right now."

He looked down at me, his expression softly searching mine before he gave me a slow smile. "I want to be alone with you too," he said huskily as the car reached the platform, and we stepped off, quickly moving towards the park so we could get back to his car.

About a half an hour later, I unlocked the front door of my townhouse, ushering him inside quickly before I shut and locked the door.

"Come on," I said, once again grasping his hand as we raced up the stairs. When we reached the landing, Derek pulled me into his arms, kissing me deeply as he moved to my bedroom. I giggled against his lips, but when he placed me back down on the ground of my room, he looked at me hesitantly. "Are you sure Meredith?"

I responded by cupping his cheeks in my hands and pulling him to me, kissing him deeply and rubbing my hips against his. "Please," I said softly when we parted. He looked at me for a moment before pulling me back to him, kissing me deeply as we quickly worked to get rid of our clothes.

As he unhooked my bra, Derek pulled away from me for a moment, his eyes wandering up and down my nearly naked body before moving his lips to my neck. "You're amazing," he groaned into my neck as he eased me backwards onto the bed, his lips trailing lower to my chest. I gasped as his lips grazed my breasts, knotting my fingers in his hair as I became more and more aroused.

He eventually pulled away again, moving back to kiss me heatedly as his hands drifted to my hips and slipped inside my panties to see if I was ready. I whimpered at the feel of his fingers against me, and he quickly pulled off my panties and settled between me spread legs. He looked at me with hesitation, but gave him an encouraging smile. He slowly slipped into me, and I gasped at the feel of him; it had been about three years, and I could feel my unused muscles spread to accommodate him.

When he was fully inside me, he paused. "Are you okay?" Derek asked, his voice full of concern. "You're really tight."

"It's been a while," I gasped, laughing a little. I craned my neck up to kiss him softly, giving myself time to get used to the feeling again. When I felt more relaxed, I shifted slightly. "Please Derek," I begged, thrusting my hips against him and wrapping my arms around his neck to pull him close to me.

He grunted in response as he began to move, slowly at first before he picked up the pace. He kissed me deeply as he thrusted into me quickly, his mouth then moving to my neck. I know it had been a while, but I never remember it being this good before, as we moved with a steady rhythm, each of us moaning in pleasure.

"Derek!" I moaned as I felt myself start to lose control. "I'm close, I'm..." my voice trailed off in a long moan as the pleasurable sensations wracked my body, and I felt Derek thrust into me hard a few more times.

"God Mer," he grunted as he pushed into me one last time, trembling as he came. When he finished, he collapsed on top of me, breathing into my neck as we tried to catch our breaths.

After a while, he rolled off of me, pulling me with him so that my head was lying on his chest.

"Wow," I said softly, breaking the silence. "I don't remember it being that good."

Derek laughed at me, kissing my forehead. "Thanks, you know exactly what to say to boost my ego."

"You're welcome," I said, propping my head up. Derek then tangled his fingers in my hair, pulling me close to him as he kissed me softly.

"I can't remember the last time it felt that good for me either," Derek said quietly when we pulled apart, looking into my eyes. I smiled at him, kissing him again before lying down next to him, my face close to his chest as he wrapped his arms around me.

"Good night Mer," he whispered as he kissed my temple.

"Night," I said just as quietly as I closed my eyes, falling asleep quickly.


	5. I've Just Seen a Face

_**A/N: Oh my God, the finale! I can't even... I just don't want it to be real. I'm devastated, so I'm going to give you an update in hopes that your reviews will help me get over what happened (or, in my mind, what I refused to believe happened). This very happy update is the first update told from Derek's point of view. I have about four Derek centered chapters planned so far, and I hope you like them. This one is pretty short, and I'm sorry about that, but I think it's an important time for a Derek POV, and I just wanted to get in his head a little, which makes this update shorter than most. Anyway, enjoy, and I'll try to post more again soon.**_

_**And on another, semi similar note, Lexie is officially being intergrated into my story. She wasn't going to be a part of it before, but now she will. I'm not sure how yet, but she'll be in it somehow.**_

**Song: _I've Just Seen a Face _by The Beatle**

**Chapter 5: I've Just Seen a Face**

_I have never known  
The like of this, I've been alone  
And I have missed things  
And kept out of sight  
But other girls were never quite  
Like this, da-da-n'da-da'n'da_

_Falling, yes I am falling_  
_And she keeps calling_  
_Me back again_

_**Derek's POV**_

She was adorable. Well, the snoring wasn't actually adorable, but the fact that she did so was adorable. I find it charming that such a big noise can come from such a little person. She doesn't snore all the time, at least I hope not, I've only spent two nights with her, but from what I've experienced, it comes and goes in the early morning, so it isn't unbearable.

Last night had been amazing. Meredith was amazing. I had never met anyone like her, and I've never wanted to spend so much time with anyone. I have dated before, and they were all nice girls, but I could never see a future with them, or at least one that involves marriage and kids, all the stuff I really want out of life. But with Meredith, I can see it all; I could see us getting married in the future, and felt joy at the thought of her one day having my child. I just wish I had met her before I decided to come to England for my residency. And I wished she wasn't going to be moving to Seattle in a month.

Meredith's body twitched as she let out a snort, and I had to stop myself from laughing. She stopped snoring after that, rolling closer to me and pressing herself into me, her forehead grazing my chest.

I don't know how long we laid there, my hand gently running up her back as she slept. All I knew was that I wouldn't mind if I never had to get up again. But then I felt her shift under me, her breathing becoming irregular as she woke up.

Meredith sighed as she stretched her legs against mine, her eyes fluttering open again. She looked confused for a moment, but then a slow smile crept across her face as she stared at me, and I just had to smile back, and I couldn't believe how beautiful she looked in the morning.

"Hey," she said softly after a moment.

"Hi," I responded, pressing my lips against hers briefly. "How did you sleep?"

"Really well, you?"

"Best night's sleep I've ever had," I replied, kissing her again and rolling over so that she was lying on top of me. She giggled at the movement, wrapping her arms around my neck as we moved.

"So, was last night good," she asked hesitantly, searching my eyes. I couldn't help but smile at her, she really was adorable.

"No, it wasn't good," I began, watching her eyes drop from mine and a frown appear on her face. She tried to move off of me, but I held her tightly. "It was great. You were amazing." Meredith looked up at me with doubt, so I kissed her softly on the lips. "I promise," I said against her lips as I kissed her again.

"Okay," she whispered, laying her head on my chest. I ran my fingers through her long hair, quiet for a moment before speaking.

"How was last night for you?" I asked gently. "I know it's been a while."

"It was really good," Meredith said, pressing a kiss to my chest. "What time do you have to work today?"

"Umm, in about two hours," I said, glancing at the clock. "Do you want me to make you breakfast?"

"Sure," she said, smiling as her eyes lit up. I kissed her again quickly before getting out of bed, pulling on my boxers and shirt as she grabbed a pair of pajamas for herself.

"Are you going to be working all night?" Meredith asked as we walked downstairs.

"Yeah, I'm on call, so I'll probably be at the hospital until about ten or eleven in the morning," I replied, heading for the fridge and grabbing a carton of eggs. "Do you want to come over tomorrow night? Your friends will be back, so we can sleep at my place if you want."

"Oh, um, sure," Meredith stuttered out, and I knew that something was wrong.

"What is it Mer?"

"It's just," she began, trying to find the words. "It's just that I'm supposed to be here on vacation with my friends, and I haven't really spent much time with them because I've been with you, and I kind of feel like I'm being unfair to them. And now that we're having sex or whatever, I don't want to ditch them every night to sleep with you."

"It's alright Meredith," I smile, understanding. "I don't want to take you away from your friends. I'm sure we can find a balance between the two of us spending time together and you hanging out with your friends."

"Thank you," she said softly as I walked over to her and placed her omelet in front of her.

"Of course," I said, kissing her quickly as I sat beside her to eat.

**XXXXXX**

"Man where have you been? I haven't seen you in two days," my best friend and roommate, Mark Sloan, said as he placed his tray down next to mine.

"I was out," I said, giving him a noncommittal shrug.

"For two days straight?" Mark pressed. "Come one Derek, I know you; you wouldn't walk around in the same clothes you wore the day before."

"I came back to change my clothes, but you were at the hospital," I snapped, knowing that he wasn't going to let it go.

"Alright, so where were you?"

"With Meredith," I said quietly. Mark had been at the club when I had first seen Meredith, and he had met Meredith briefly two times over the past three weeks. This may sound terrible, but I've tried to keep them apart as much as possible. I really like Meredith, and I trust her, but I don't trust Mark. He goes after anything with breasts, and I definitely did not want him going after Meredith.

"Right on man," Mark said, smiling with approval. "You guys went at it for two days?"

"No we did not," I snapped, not wanting to go into detail.

"Well, did you at least have sex with her at all?"

"That is none of your business," I responded.

"Oh, you did!" Mark exclaimed. "How was she?"

"I'm not answering that," I said through gritted teeth.

"Why not, you always tell me about the girls you sleep with," Mark trailed off, his face changing from confusion to shock before finally spreading into a smirk. "You're falling for her!" he said, almost accusingly.

"I am not!" I answered quickly. _I'm not, _I repeated in my head. But even as I thought of Meredith my stomach clenched and I had to fight the smile threatening to appear on my face.

"Yes you are," Mark stated. "Man, what are you doing? She's leaving in a month, you can't fall in love with her!"

"Well, then it's a good thing I'm not," I growled. He opened his mouth to respond, but was interrupted by my cell phone ringing. I looked down at the screen, instantly calmer as I registered who was calling. "I have to take this," I muttered as I stood up from the table.

"Is that Meredith," Mark asked, and when I ignored him he called after me. "Don't forget to tell her you love her!"

"Shut up!" I hissed before answering the phone. "Hey Mer."

"Hi," she responded brightly, and I could practically hear her smile.

"What's up?" I asked, moving into an on call room and shutting the door.

"Nothing, Cristina and my friends are running a little late getting back, and I was bored, so I just thought I would give you a call."

"Really? Because the way I see it, you missed me so much that you just had to hear my voice."

She giggled at that, and I swear my heart melted. "You're so full of yourself."

"Maybe," I admitted as we continued to chat about nothing in particular. No matter how much I may have denied it to Mark, in my heart I knew: I was falling in love with Meredith Grey.


	6. Wake Up Call

_**A/N: Now I promise I'm not breaking MerDer up (yet...) so just go with me on this on, okay? Just a little drama to move some things along, but it isn't lasting long. At all.**_

_**Song: **_**Wakeup Call _by Maroon 5_**

**Chapter 6: Wakeup Call**

_If you needed love  
Well then ask for love  
Could have given love  
Now I'm taking love  
And it's not my fault  
Cause you both deserve  
What is coming now  
So don't say a word_

_Wakeup call_  
_Caught you in the morning with another one in my bed_  
_Don't you care about me anymore?_  
_Don't you care about me? I don't think so._

"So, what are you doing this morning?" I asked as Derek pulled a green button up shirt over his shoulders while I sat on my bed still in a tank top and underwear. Today was my twenty-sixth birthday; Derek had stayed over last night (Cristina said she would sleep on the pull out couch in the living room), and we planned on having lunch together before my birthday party tonight. Granted, it sounds like a pathetic party, just Cristina, Izzie, Sadie, Derek and Mark, but still, it's nice that they cared. It had been two weeks since Derek and I had slept together, and everything had just gotten better. He had been perfect, almost too perfect, and it made me incredibly sad that I would be leaving him in three weeks. So, I chose not to dwell on things like that, and just focus on the present.

"I already told you, I'm not telling," Derek grinned, leaning towards me to cup the side of my face in one of his hands, kissing me softly. He told me last week that he had taken the entire day off for my birthday, but he refused to tell me why he was disappearing for a few hours in the morning and early afternoon. "It's just some… errands. Enjoy the morning with your friends, you always say the four of you don't spend enough alone time together. Have fun touring around, and meet me at the Hard Rock Café at two, alright."

I looked at him seriously before giving him a small smile. "Okay," I said softly moving to kiss him again. I parted my mouth slightly, deepening the kiss and letting his tongue slip into my mouth for a brief moment before he pulled away, resting his forehead against mine.

"Happy Birthday," he said softly, kissing me again.

"Thank you," I replied as he pulled away, grabbing his bag and moving towards the door.

"I'll see you soon," he smiled.

"Bye," I called back, waving as he left.

I heard the rumble of voices as he exchanged pleasantries with my friends before I heard the front door shut. I remained on my bed for a minute, smiling to myself about how perfect everything was. I let out a short laugh before I shook my head and got up to get dressed, fully ready to enjoy my birthday.

Cristina came up about ten minutes later, right as I was finished getting dressed.

"Where did McDreamy go?" She asked as she flopped onto her own bed.

"Out," I answered, looking in the mirror as I ran a brush through my haur.

"Out where?"

"I don't know. He wouldn't tell me," I sighed, turning around to face her.

"He won't tell you?" Cristina repeated, raising her eyebrow. "I thought he took the whole day off to spend the day with you."

"He did," I answered. "We're meeting for a late lunch at two, but he said he had some errands to run. Maybe it's something for my birthday."

"Or, he could have a girlfriend that you don't know about," she shot back.

"Cristina!" I exclaimed, shocked that she would even think that.

"What? He could Mer. You've only known this guy for five weeks, and you're never going to see him again after the end of this month. He could be a total McBastard and you wouldn't even know it."

"He's not," I insisted. He doesn't have a girlfriend. I know him, and he's not that kind of guy. I trust him."

"You know him? You trust him?" Cristina said incredulously. "You don't trust guys Mer." You trust me, Izzie and Sadie, but not guys. You didn't even trust Finn, and you were with him for two years. But yet, you trust a guy that you've known a little over a month? Are you falling in love with him?" Cristina ranted, her tone accusing.

"What? Of course not!" I snapped. "Like you said, I barely know him."

"Good," Cristina nodded, satisfied. "Come on, we're heading to Buckingham Palace in twenty minutes."

I nodded in response, thinking of what she was had set. _I'm not falling in love with him, _I thought. _Right?_

**XXXXXX**

"Come on guys, I want to see the changing of the guard!" Izzie exclaimed, grabbing me by the arm and practically pulling me out of Buckingham Palace. The Queen apparently wasn't there this week, so we went to take a tour of Buckingham Palace, and then wanted to see the changing of the guard.

We rushed outside and watched the half hour long ceremony. Izzie took pictures the entire time, while Cristina, Sadie and I just rolled our eyes and made faces for the camera. Afterwards, Izzie then insisted that we all take pictures in front of the palace, and then again doing funny things in front of the guards, trying to get a reaction out of them.

"Come on, guys, one picture to mark Meredith's birthday," Izzie whined, trying to hand the camera off to another tourist to take a picture of us.

"Fine, for Meredith," Cristina said sarcastically. Izzie insisted that the man take five different pictures, and I was relieved when I could finally unwrap my arms from Izzie and Cristina's shoulder. I looked down at my phone; it was one thirty, and the Hard Rock Café wasn't that far away.

"Hey guys," I said as we walked away, moving towards the underground. "I'm supposed to meet Derek at two a couple of blocks from here, so I'm just gonna head over now alright?"

"Yeah sure," Sadie answered. "We'll see you later tonight for your party." After quick goodbyes, I made my way towards the restaurant. I got there in about fifteen minutes; I didn't mind being early, I figured it would give me a chance to pick a nice table.

But as I approached the windows in front of the Hard Rock Café, my pace slowed. I was still pretty far away from the window, but I could still make out Derek's wavy hair. He was talking to a girl, maybe a year or two younger than me, and they were sitting at a table together. She had long dark brown, almost black hair, kind of like Derek's, and they seemed pretty chummy.

_Maybe it's just a friend_, I thought, continuing to head towards the entrance. And that's when I saw it.

They were both talking animatedly, and then the girl must have said something really exciting, because Derek wrapped his arm around her, kissing her on the cheek.

I stopped dead in my tracks, hurt washing over me. _What was going on_? I started to freak out internally, the pain of seeing Derek with someone else washing over me like a tsunami. A part of me wanted to go inside and confront him, to find out what was going on, and scream at him. But, the larger part of me just wanted to run away, to go back to my room and cry for a little while before drinking myself sick and celebrate my birthday with roommates.

So I did just that. I got onto the tube and got off about a block from our townhouse. When I finally had cell reception, I saw that I had two texts and a missed call from Derek, which I ignored, not wanting to deal with them right now. I marched down the street and whipped open the door, letting it slam behind me as my phone started to ring; I rejected Derek's call and promptly shut off my phone because I was in no mood for talking. I ignored my roommate's questions as I ran up the stairs, but I heard someone following me.

"What's wrong? Why aren't you with McDreamy?" Cristina asked as she entered our room, where I was sprawled across the bed, my head in my pillow, trying to stop the tears from flowing.

"I think he has a girlfriend," I muttered.

"What was that?"

"I think he has a girlfriend!" I said louder, lifting my head from my pillow.

Cristina looked shocked for a second, but then composed herself. "Why do you think that?"

"Because he was with a girl at the restaurant when I got there, and then he kissed her. What else am I supposed to think?" I asked, letting out a small sob.

"Oh Mer, I'm sorry," Cristina said softly, moving to the bed to rub my back awkwardly. "Do you want me to leave you alone?"

"Yeah, kind of," I sniffed, placing my head down on my pillow.

"Okay," Cristina said. "I'll make sure we get you lots of tequila tonight. We'll still have fun."

"Thanks," I said, hearing Cristina exit the room. Once the door shut, I stuffed my head under my pillow and let myself cry.

**XXXXXX**

After about forty-five minutes of crying, I was done feeling sad. Now, I was just angry. Angry that this guy, this amazing, sweet, kind man that made me feel special, had lied to me. Well, maybe he didn't lie to me, but he at least implied that we were exclusive, but apparently we weren't; I was just some girl he used.

I sat up, wiping my tears away as I scanned the room. Some of his clothes, were laid out on a chair, along with an overnight bag and some toiletries. He had been staying here for a couple of nights in a row, and decided that it would be easier if he left a couple changes of clothes around.

I stood up, stomping over to my dresser, and grabbed his toiletries: his toothbrush, comb, and all of his damn hair products. I scooped them up in one arm and marched back down the stairs, once again ignoring the strange looks from Sadie, Izzie and Cristina as I opened the front door, stepped out on the porch, and threw them on the front door and the sidewalk. Then, I ran inside, sprinted up the stairs, grabbed his clothes, and began to repeat the process. When I got outside, however, Derek was standing on the lawn, looking in disbelief as his things littered our property. He made eye contact with me, and I felt tears welling up in my eyes again. However, they were quickly squashed when I realized the girl at the restaurant was with him.

"Meredith," Derek breathed, walking towards me as I threw his clothes at him. "What's going on?"

"Getting rid of your shit," I snapped, moving to go back in the house. I had taken two steps when I felt him grab my elbow and turn me around. He looked concerned, and a little hurt. I almost felt bad for him, and then I saw _her _out of the corner of my eye, moving towards us.

"Seriously?" I exclaim, wrenching myself from his grip. "You just disappear the morning of my birthday because you have 'errands' to run, and then I get to the restaurant to see you with this girl," I pointed at the girl, whose eyes were suddenly wide. "And you kissed her. So, not only did you lie to me, but you're making me a dirty mistress. And then you brought her here? Seriously? You are an asshole!" I yelled.

Next, I turned to the girl, who was staring at me with a mixture of confusion and amusement. I thrust my hand toward her, smirking at her as I forced myself to be strong, to not break down in front of them. "Hello, I'm Meredith Grey. And I'm the woman screwing your boyfriend."


	7. Misunderstanding

_**A/N: Here's a kind of Part 2 to the last chapter, this time told from Derek's POV. Just a head's up, we're moving towards the end of the trip, and Meredith and Derek will become separated very soon. This story is far from over though, I promise you. **_

**Chapter 7: Misunderstanding**

_Well I'd been waiting for this weekend  
I thought that maybe we could see a show  
Never dreamed I'd have this feeling  
Oh but seeing you is believing  
That's why I don't know why  
You didn't show up that night_

_There must be some misunderstanding_  
_There must be some kind of mistake_  
_I was waiting in the rain for hours_  
_And you were late_

**Derek's Point of View:**

I smiled as I placed the envelope in the glove compartment of my dashboard, checking the time. It was noon, which means I had one more stop to make before I met Meredith for lunch. I had been around town all morning, trying to make sure her birthday present was absolutely perfect. After all, she was perfect, and deserved as close to perfection as she could get. I had wanted to spend the entire day with her, but a massive car accident two days ago prevented me from getting her present then, and then I have a family emergency this morning, so I guess I'll just have to spend the entire afternoon with her.

I made my way towards Heathrow Airport, cursing out loud when I got caught in traffic as we inched closer to the airport. Finally, I was able to pull into the arrivals parking lot, getting out of the car and moving towards baggage claim.

I waited about a half an hour, watching the flight numbers change and listening to make sure the flight had arrived on time. And then I saw her. She hadn't seen me yet, she had walked straight over to the luggage turntable, grabbing her lime green suitcase almost immediately. I laughed when I saw how bright it was, but it totally fit her personality. She searched the lobby carefully, and was about to pull out her phone when she saw me. Her face broke out into a grin when our eyes met, and we moved towards each other; I walked, she jogged, dragging her suitcase behind her. When we finally reached each other, she lunged into my arms, hugging me tightly.

"Der," she sighed, squeezing me tighter.

"Hi Amy," I smiled back. I'm the only one allowed to call her Amy though. Amelia Shepherd is my younger sister, and my only younger sibling; I had three older sisters. Amy was going to be twenty four, five years younger than me, and going into her final year of Med School. She had called last week saying that she had bought a plane ticket and would be in England for a month, so I better let her crash on her couch. I willingly accepted. I rarely saw my family; I would always take two weeks off at the end of the year to be home for Thanksgiving (since the British don't have Thanksgiving, so I don't have to fight to take it off), and they usually come visit sometime in the Spring, but with Amelia being in school, she wasn't able to visit this year. In some ways, Amelia reminded me a little bit of Meredith, and I'm sure that the two of them would hit it off right away when they met.

"How's it going Derek?" Amelia asked as she pulled away from me.

"It's going pretty great Amy, how's everything with you?"

"It's good," Amy smiled as we left the airport, heading towards my car.

"So, how are you going to entertain me for the next month?" Amelia asked as we got on the road.

"Well, you're on your own for the majority of the next month because some of us have jobs," I laughed. "But we can go to lunch today, and then maybe a party tonight."

"Ooh, what kind of party?" Amelia asked curiously.

"A birthday party," I replied.

"Who's birthday party? Anyone I would know?"

"No, you don't know her. She's a – a friend," I said, smiling and feeling myself turn red.

"Ahh!" Amelia exclaimed, laughing. "She is not just a friend! You like her!"

"Shut up Amy," I snapped, but shoved her playfully. "If you're good you can meet her at lunch today. But be nice."

"How did you meet her? How old is she? Where does she work?" Amelia rattled off questions.

"Whoa, slow down with the questions. We met at a bar about five weeks ago. She turns twenty six today, and she's going to be a surgical intern in Seattle starting in July."

"Wait, you're dating a girl that lives six thousand miles away? How's that going to work?"

"We're not dating per se," I said slowly. "We're, I don't know what we're doing."

"Is it just sex?" Amelia asked. I rolled my eyes at her, she was always so blunt. But we'd been through a lot together, and I promised her when we were little that I wouldn't lie to her.

"No. Or at least it isn't for me."

"So you like her a lot?"

"Yeah," I said quietly, smiling as I thought of how beautiful Meredith looked this morning. "I really do."

"Do you love her?"

"I think so," I admitted. "Or I'm falling in love with her, one of the two. But don't tell anyone; Mark doesn't know."

"Okay," Amelia nodded, smiling at me. "If you really love her Der, then I hope you two can figure it out."

"Yeah, me too."

* * *

**XXXXXX**

We had reached the Hard Rock Café about twenty minutes before Meredith was set to meet us, and we were seated near the window overlooking the street.

"So," I began. "What's going on in your life?"

"Well," Amelia replied, smiling slowly. "I'm supposed to be applying for internship programs in the fall, but I may not have to."

"Why not?"

"Because Mt. Sinai has contacted me, and I think they want to recruit me or something. I have a meeting scheduled with them when I get home, but I think they want me!"

"Amy, that's fantastic!" I exclaimed, pulling her into a hug and kissing her on the cheek. "I'm so proud of you."

"Thanks," Amelia beamed.

We continued to talk, but I kept checking my phone to see what time it was. Meredith was never late; so when three o'clock rolled around and she wasn't here, I got nervous. Then 3:05 came, then 3:10, then 3:15…

"So do you think I'll like Meredith?" Amelia asked, cutting me out of my worry.

"Yeah, I think you guys will get along great," I said, reaching for my phone. "I'm a little worried though, she's never late, so I'm going to give her a call."

I called, and the phone rang three times before going to voicemail. I then sent her a text, and also got no response. Over the next fifteen minutes, I became more and more agitated and worried as I called her two more times; the first time it rang until going to voicemail, but the second time it rang once before her voicemail played, meaning that she ignored my call. And I was done waiting.

"Come on Amy," I said shortly, standing up from the table.

"Why, what's wrong?" Amelia asked, confused.

"We're going to find Meredith, I think she might be at her place."

"I thought you said she was meeting us here?"

"So did I," I muttered as I left the restaurant and headed to the car. The drive was silent and tense. It also took a lot longer than I anticipated because of mid-afternoon traffic. When we got to her house, there was no room to park, so I ended up a couple of townhouses down. I stepped out just in time to see Meredith outside of her townhouse, throwing something on the lawn.

"Meredith!" I called to her, as she stepped back into the house quickly. When I reached her lawn, I noticed that what she had thrown outside were all of _my _things; my gel, my mouse, my toothbrush, and I didn't understand. Then I heard her come out to her front step again, and looked up at her. Her face was red and blotchy, and though there was a fire in her eyes, they were red rimmed; she had been crying. She looked so sad and hurt for a moment, and then her gaze shifted left, and the anger was back.

"Meredith," I said with concern, walking towards her; but as I approached, she threw a pile of clothes, _my_ clothes, at me. "What's going on?"

"Getting rid of your shit," she snapped, giving me a death glare as she turned to go back in the house. I couldn't let her leave; she was upset and angry at me, and I didn't know why; but I had to find out. She was about to cross the threshold when I grabbed her elbow and gently turned her around to face me. Once again, her eyes softened for a moment before turning cold again as she pulled away from me.

"Seriously?" she shouted, causing me to flinch. "You just disappear the morning of my birthday because you have 'errands' to run, and then I get to the restaurant to see you with this girl," she pointed at Amelia, who, like me, seemed very confused as to what was going on. "And you kissed her. So, not only did you lie to me, but you're making me a dirty mistress. And then you brought her here? Seriously? You are an asshole!"

Suddenly, Meredith turned to Amelia and thrust her hand out, as if to shake it. "Hello, I'm Meredith Grey. And I'm the woman screwing your boyfriend," she said simply, though I saw a flicker of pain cross her face.

Amelia looked at her for a moment, eyebrows raised in amusement, before she burst out laughing. Meredith looked like a mixture between confused and angry, something I found absolutely adorable.

"Oh, I'm not…he's my… oh God!" Amelia tried to say between laughs. Meredith looked at me, the anger a little less prominent than before, searching for an explanation.

"Mer, this is my sister Amelia," I explained gently. "She just flew in this morning, and she's staying for the summer. Mark was supposed to go pick her up, but had to work today, so that's why I left early this morning."

Meredith's eyes were wide, and they flitted to Amelia for confirmation.

"I like you Meredith," Amelia said, smiling. "I like the don't-take-shit from anyone attitude. The asshole in question is my older brother, who apparently didn't tell you I was coming, and I'm sorry about that."

Meredith's cheeks turned flaming red as she looked at the ground. "Oh, I'm, I'm sorry," she mumbled softly, turning around again. "I'm just going to go inside and crawl into a hole and die."

"Meredith wait," I said, reaching for her again. She wouldn't look at me, but she stayed out on the front step. "Amelia, can Mer and I talk alone? Would you please go to the car?"

"Sure," Amelia nodded. "It was nice to meet you Meredith." Meredith nodded, her eyes still trained on the ground as Amelia walked away. When she was out of hearing range, I began to speak.

"I'm sorry Mer," I said, hooking my thumb under her chin and forcing her to look at me. "I should have told you Amelia was coming, and I was going to introduce you two at lunch. But I had to go pick her up at the last minute, and I still had to get your birthday present, so I just used that as an excuse. But Meredith, I would never do that to you. I care too much about you to make you 'the other woman,' and you would deserve so much more than that. Please forgive me."

Meredith's eyes filled with tears as she sniffled. "No, I'm sorry I acted like a bitch. I should have at least gone into the restaurant to figure stuff out, but I just got so angry that I didn't. And now you're sister probably thinks I'm crazy, which sucks and-"

I silenced her with a kiss, cupping her cheeks gently as I kissed away her apologies and her argument. When we parted, I kept my face close to hers, looking deeply into her eyes.

"Amelia is a very honest person," I said. "And she said she liked you, so you have nothing to worry about. And I still really like you, so we're okay, okay?"

"Okay," Meredith whispered, leaning in to kiss me softly. "Are you still going to come to my party? With your sister here and all?"

"Of course I am," I smiled. "I was going to ask if it was alright for her to come, but if not, she can just hang out in my apartment."

"No, she can come," Meredith said quickly, smiling a little.

**XXXXXX**

"Happy Birthday dear Meredith, happy birthday to you!" We sang out hours later. It was a very quiet party, but Meredith was having a blast. Once she had gotten over her embarrassment, she had really warmed up to Amelia, just like I knew she would. She was currently cutting her birthday cake as Mark and Izzie refilled everyone's glasses of wine. After the cake and wine were handed out, Meredith sat next to me on the couch in the living room, leaning into me as I draped my arm over her shoulder.

"Alright, present time!" Mark said loudly as he walked into the room, pointing at the gifts on the coffee table. Meredith grinned as she sat up, ripping into boxes and pulling the tissue paper out of the gift bags.

After ten minutes, she had acquired a large bottle of tequila, some small tourist like gifts, new clothes, and various accessories. She looked very pleased with all of her things, and was thanking everyone as I slipped the white envelope into her hands.

"One more," I said softly into her ear before kissing her cheek. She grinned at me as she opened it, staring quizzically at the two pieces of paper before it clicked, and she looked up at me in shock.

"You're taking me to Italy?" she gasped.

"Well, we're only going to Venice, but yes, next weekend I'm taking you to Italy," I smiled at her. "I remember you mentioning that you wanted to go, and you haven't gone, so we're going. We'll leave Thursday night after my shift at the hospital and come back Monday morning." She was still looking at me in shock, and I wondered if maybe taking her on a trip was a little too much, a little too serious. "Or you could take one of your friends if you want, that would-" like I had done to her earlier, she cut me off with a kiss. It was passionate, her fingers tangled in my hair as I opened my mouth to let her tongue enter. I don't know how long we kissed, but we quickly broke apart as we heard Mark clear his throat uncomfortably.

Meredith blushed as I smiled sheepishly, and she put her hands on my shoulders and placed her forehead against mine. "Thank you so much," she murmured. "And you are absolutely coming with me. I just can't believe you remembered."

"Of course I remembered," I replied, grinning as Meredith leaned into me again.

"I'll make sure to thank you really well next weekend," she said seductively as she pulled away, turning back to the others in the room.

I kept smiling like an idiot; I had definitely found the perfect woman.


	8. I Remember Hearts that Beat

_**A/N: This is Meredith and Derek's trip to Venice. Granted, it's not very long, mainly because I've never been to Venice and the only tourist attractions websites seemed to mention were churches, so I'm sorry if it isn't very interesting. However, I had to send them to Venice a part of this chapter was mentioned in Grey's, and if you guys can recognize it, props to you. Anyway, I really liked the reference, and I wanted to throw it into this chapter, even if it does make the chapter a little sad. Anyway, enough rambling, enjoy, and let me know what you think!**_

**Chapter 8: I Remember Hearts that Beat**

_I remember hearts that beat yeah, yeah  
I remember you and me,yeah, oh yeah  
Tangled in hotel sheets  
You wore me out  
You wore me out_

I felt lips trailing across my bare shoulder as I slowly woke up. Next, I felt large, strong hands move their way down my body to my waist, pulling me back towards a hard, strong chest. It was then that I felt the need to stretch out, and while doing so, I rolled over towards the warm body. Opening my eyes, I saw Derek smiling back at me, his face very close to mine.

"Good morning," he said in a deep, husky voice.

"It is a good morning," I smiled back, moving to kiss him. "That was a nice way to wake up."

"I'm glad," he smiled confidently.

I looked out the window, staring at the Italian landscape. It was Sunday, and we had spent the past two and a half days wandering around Venice. We went to the theater and saw an opera, not that we understood any of it, and we also went to historic churches and some art museums. Not to mention shopping, Derek was surprisingly very willing to follow me around boutiques and shops while I browsed through hundreds of clothing articles. We spent a good amount of time in bed to, having sex in Italy was pretty amazing.

And today was our last full day in Italy, and we wanted to make the most of it. We would be going to San Giorgio Maggiore island to see the Church of San Giorgio Maggiore, which apparently had really beautiful works of art as well as a view of Venice from the ocean. Then we would go for dinner, and afterwards Derek promised to take me on a gondola ride.

But right now, we were both in the hotel room, in bed, naked. And Derek was kissing me everywhere, making it hard for me to concentrate. I looked at the clock on the bed, my eyes widening as I saw the time.

"Derek," I half moaned. "It's almost ten"

"Mhmm," he said into my skin, his mouth moving from my shoulder back up to my neck.

"The boat to the island leaves at eleven, we have to get there," I said, pushing him off of me and slipping out of bed before he could grab me again. I walked to my suitcase completely naked, turning to face him as I reached my bag. He was looking at me with his mouth open slightly, his eyes full of lust. I smiled at him as I grabbed my clothes and headed towards the bathroom.

"I'm going to take a shower, you can either sit there and get dressed, or you can come join me," I said as I stepped into the small bathroom. I had just turned on the water when I felt Derek's arms grab my waist and turn me around, pulling me close to him. I gripped his shoulders as his lips crashed against mine, jumping into his arms and wrapping his legs around his waist as he pulled open the shower and stepped into it, steam filling the room

**XXXXXX**

"Dinner was good," I offered as we walked hand in hand down the Venice streets.

"Dinner was excellent," Derek agreed. We walked in silence for a little while before I saw a sign that looked very appealing.

"Derek, can we get gelato?" I asked, pulling him towards the store.

"Are you sure you aren't full?" he asked, laughing as he followed me.

"Positive," I promised.

"Well then, I guess we can." I grinned at him as we made our way to the shop; he bought himself coffee flavored gelato, while I got strawberry. Taking a break from walking, we sat side by side on a park bench, laughing and talking about anything.

While we were laughing, Derek nudged me, causing the spoonful of gelato to hit the corner of my mouth and cheek. I shot him a glare, reaching for a napkin to wipe it off when he stopped me.

"I'll get it," he smirked, leaning closer to me. I raised my eyebrows at him as he kissed the corner of my mouth, his tongue flicking my skin to lick up the gelato. He then tilted his head to kiss me on the mouth.

"Mhmm," he moaned when he pulled away from me, his eyes sparkling. "You taste like strawberry."

"Well, yes," I laughed. "It's my favorite flavor of ice cream."

"Hmm," Derek nodded, seeming to think for a moment. "Then I suppose it can be my second favorite flavor, but only if coffee is your second favorite."

"I don't know," I teased. "I'll have to see." I leaned in just as he swallowed a bite of his gelato, and kissed him deeply, sighing as we pulled apart.

"Yum, I guess coffee's a good flavor too," I said, standing up and stretching my hand out to him. "Come on, let's keep walking."

We wandered a little while longer, strolling up and down the canals, until I saw exactly what I was looking for.

"You promised me a gondola ride," I said, pointing at the sign, where several gondolas were lined up, waiting for passengers.

"I did," Derek agreed. "Would you like to go now?"

"Please?" I said, pouting at him. Derek laughed at that, his eyes sparkling in the dim light.

"Of course," he answered, leading us over to the gondola.

We moved towards one of the smaller boats, made for two rather than a group. Our gondolier looked like a classic Italian man: dark, tan skin, brown eyes and black hair. He was probably in his late twenties or early thirties, and was wearing the traditional black and white striped shirt with black pants.

"Buonasera," the man called as we approached him. "Good evening."

"Good evening," Derek said. "How much for a ride?"

The gondolier, who introduced himself as Giovanni, discussed the different price options with Derek, who paid for a one hour ride.

"Bella donna," Giovanni said, smiling as he helped me into the gondola. "You are a lucky man," he said, turning to Derek.

Derek smiled with pride. "Oh, I know."

"And such a beautiful couple," Giovanni continued as I sat down next to Derek, who immediately draped his arm around my shoulder.

"Thank you," I smiled up at Giovanni, snuggling closer into Derek's arms as we pushed off from the edge of the canal.

Giovanni acted as tour guide for the first half of the ride, continually throwing out facts about different buildings and famous people and historical facts. However, he eventually stopped the constant chatter, only giving us facts rarely; I think he had figured out that Derek and I weren't exactly listening.

With Giovanni now silent, Derek and I spoke in low voices, giving out own opinions on the sites and the views. We laughed a lot, shared a few kisses, and sometimes, just stared into each other's eyes, as cheesy as that sounds. Eventually, Giovanni turned the gondola down a different canal, giving us a glimpse at a very long waterway, and a beautifully decorated archway almost right over us. The way the sun was setting hit the limestone perfectly, drawing out all of the intricate details of the arch.

"Wow," I gasped as we were about to pass under it. "It's beautiful."

"Hmm," Derek agreed. "And so are you."

I turned to look at him, eyebrows raised as I smiled at him. He smiled back at me, completely sincere, and I didn't know how to respond. So, I did the only thing I could think of; right as we passed under the archway, I kissed him. Derek deepened the kiss almost immediately, easing my mouth open so our tongues could meet. When he pulled away from me, we were both smiling like idiots, and we almost didn't even hear Giovanni speak.

"Ah, so you have heard the story?" he said from the back of the boat in a thick Italian accent.

Derek and I looked at each other, expressions of confusion mirrored on both of our faces.

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"What story?" Derek said as I finished speaking.

"That was the Bridge of Sighs," Giovanni explained, smiling. "The legend is that if you take a gondola ride underneath the bridge and kiss beneath it, you will have eternal love and be together forever." Giovanni grinned at us. "I wish you both every happiness."

I tensed as Giovanni spoke. Together forever? Honestly, that sounded pretty great, however, fate seemed to have other plans. I was leaving a week from today, so there will be no eternal love or togetherness, which made me tear up, because I think I wanted that with Derek.

Derek must have felt me tense, because he wrapped another arm around me, cradling him close to me. "We don't have to think about it," he whispered softly into my ear, as if reading my thoughts. "Let's just enjoy tonight okay?" To Giovanni, however, Derek looked up and smiled. "Thank you," he said, his voice full of sincerity. Derek turned back to me, kissing my temple as he rocked me gently until we our ride came to an end.


	9. And You Move Like Water

_**A/N: I hate to say it, but this is the last chapter before Meredith has to leave. I hope you guys like it, I kind of like how it ends... **_

**Chapter 9: And You Move Like Water**

_And you move like water, yeah  
And you broke like waves  
I've never been deeper, so far gone  
Your sister in the next room with the television on_

_Still can feel you kiss me love_  
_Still can see your brown skin shine, shine_  
_Still can feel you kiss me love_  
_Come on and drive me wild_

* * *

"What's going on this weekend?" Derek said against my lips.

"Sex," I half moaned, kissing him back earnestly. We were in the backseat of a taxi, which was taking us back to Derek's place. We had been at the bar with all of our friends, but decided to head out early to spend time alone. I was leaving in two days, and we had to make the next forty-eight hours count.

"Well, after tonight, what are we doing?" Derek laughed, moving his mouth to my neck. His hands moved down from my waist to my ass, cupping me and pulling me on top of him. I was vaguely aware of how inappropriate this was; the cabbie or whatever they called them in England could probably kick us out if he wanted to, not to mention the cab was a little on the dingy side, but I was enjoying the feeling too much to care.

"Well," I gasped as his mouth reached the spot where my neck and shoulder met, sucking gently. "We're going to have really great sex tonight. And then you're going to go to work, and then we're all going to go to dinner tomorrow night. Mark and Amelia can come too if they want. Which I figured they would because they're out with my friends right now, but-"

"Mer?" Derek interrupted as he kissed my lips again.

"Yes?" I replied, pressing myself closer to him.

"As adorable as the rambling usually is, it is very hard to make out with you while you're doing so."

"Oh, right. Stopping now," I answered, pulling his face back up to mine so that I could kiss him deeply.

Much too soon for my liking, the cab driver came to a halt in front of Derek's apartment. We broke apart long enough for Derek to pay the driver and help me out of the cab, but I found him pressed against me as we ran towards the door, picking me up as we entered the building so that he could carry me up the flight of stairs.

He fiddled with the lock on his apartment for a moment before finally getting it, shutting the door and slamming me against it. My hips undulated against his as he kissed me again, groaning deeply at the sensation.

"Bed. Now," Derek panted.

"Yes," I moaned in response as he pulled me away from the door and into his room.

**XXXXXX**

* * *

"Oh God Derek!" I moaned loudly as he collapsed on top of me a few hours later.

"Ha," Derek let out a short laugh, burying his head in my neck and kissing me slowly.

"Amazing," I panted, my chest rising and falling from our recent escapades.

"I think it just keeps getting better," Derek answered, his breathing also labored.

"Mhmm," I sighed in agreement.

We laid in silence for another few minutes before Derek shifted off of me, pulling me close. He shifted on to his back, and I turned towards him, resting my head against his chest.

"Night Mer," he said softly, kissing my forehead as my eyes fluttered closed.

"Night," I yawned, wrapping an arm around his chest and squeezing him tightly.

I felt my breathing deepen and even out, and I could feel the rhythmic rise and fall of Derek's chest. I was just about to drift away when I heard him speak. He said it so softly that I knew I wasn't meant to hear it, that he thought I was asleep, but I heard it nonetheless.

"I love you Meredith."

**XXXXXX**

* * *

I stared at the clock on the night table. It was six forty five; Derek had to be up in fifteen minutes for work, maybe I could sneak out now.

He told me he loved me. Derek **loved **me. Derek loved **me. **It was ridiculous; we've only known each other eight weeks, and I'm leaving on Sunday, so why would he say it. Granted, he didn't mean for me to hear it, but still, why would he even allow himself to feel it?

I had been up most of the night tossing and turning, trying to figure out what to do. I didn't know how to react; I was leaving, and he was staying. There was no way for me to react. But he loved me, and now I knew, and I didn't know how to act around him, because now it wasn't just a summer fling, it was serious. And if he loved me, did that mean that I loved him too?

With that thought, I jumped out of bed. I couldn't think like that; I was leaving tomorrow, this was impossible. I began throwing on my clothes quickly, hoping to be gone before the alarm went off. I was running, and I knew it was bad, but he said that he loved me, and I really didn't want to think about the possibility of loving him back.

I was just pulling on my jeans as I heard Derek shift around in bed, causing me to freeze.

"What are you doing?" he muttered, his voice still filled with sleep.

"Uh," I stuttered, frozen to the spot. "I was just awake, so I figured I would get dressed."

"You were just awake?" Derek repeated, raising his eyebrows. "I always have to force you out of bed if I need to go to work before ten. Is everything alright?"

"Everything's fine!" I snapped, pulling my shirt over my head. "I'm just going to go, and let you get dressed and ready for work or whatever."

"Mer," Derek sighed, stepping out of bed; I immediately took a step backwards. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing!" I insisted. "I'm just… I'm going to spend the day with my friends. Go to work." I turned to leave his room when Derek grabbed my hand, turning me to face him.

"I get out of work at seven, so call me whenever you're ready to go out, okay?" He leaned in and brushed his lips gently over mine. I wanted to reciprocate the kiss, but didn't. I just stood there.

Derek pulled away, hurt evident in his face. "Bye," he said softly, turning away.

I nodded in reply, practically fleeing the apartment and possibly waking up Amelia, who had been sleeping on the couch in the living room, in the process.

I reached the townhouse in record time. I let myself in, but realizing that it was only 7:15, I stayed in the living room rather than head upstairs. I knew better than to wake up Cristina.

I was downstairs for hours, waiting for my friends to wake up. But I couldn't sit still; I couldn't do just one thing. First, I tried reading a book, then I got up to grab cereal and make coffee. Then I turned on the television to watch something, but kept slipping through the channels. Finally, I just couldn't sit still anymore, and I started pacing, trying to get all of the thoughts out of my head.

And that's where Izzie found me when she came downstairs, all bubbly and energetic. Sadie followed her, and though cheerful, she was a lot less bubbly. Cristina joined them about a half an hour later, looking like she was still half asleep, and poured herself a large cup of coffee.

I kept pacing the room as they stared at me, trying my best to ignore them, or at least formulate thoughts before I actually spoke.

"What is she doing?" Sadie asked.

"I don't know, why isn't she speaking?" Izzie said. "Mer?" she said loudly. "Mer, can you hear us?"

"She's not deaf," Cristina snapped.

"Well, she looks weird," Izzie retorted.

"What do you expect, it's her last day here with Derek, she's gone mental."

Izzie stood up, walking towards me and getting close to my face. "Meredith, have you gone mental?" Izzie asked loudly and slowly, as if I couldn't understand her.

"I have not gone mental!" I snapped, facing her.

"See, okay, she's fine," Cristina said from the couch. "Now what's going on Mer?"

I looked at my three friends, their eyes wide with curiosity. I opened and closed my mouth several times, trying to figure out what to say before I finally spoke. "He told me he loved me," I admitted. "Last night. He thought I was sleeping but I heard him say it."

"Derek loves you," Izzie said, smiling a little.

"Yeah," I said softly, my glance shifting from Izzie, who looked giddy, to Sadie, who was smiling slightly, and Cristina, who looked like she was thinking hard about it.

"Derek loves you," Sadie repeated, nodding in approval.

"Yeah, everybody has problems," I responded meanly, beginning to freak out all over again.

"Well, are you going to say it back?" Cristina asked, finally speaking. "Or-"

"Of course not!" I interrupted immediately, trying to rationalize the situation. "He didn't say it to me, he said it to the sleeping me. Reciprocity is not required."

All three of them looked at me like I had grown another head.

"Plus I'm leaving in less than twenty four hours, so what's the use?" I asked.

"Excellent point," Cristina nodded.

"Because you care about him, that's the point!" Izzie responded. "Look Mer, I don't know if you love him or not, but you've spent a lot of time with him over the past few weeks, and you look happier now than you ever had with Finn, and I think that's a pretty big indicator of your feelings. I know we're going home tomorrow, but maybe you guys can work something out."

"How?" I snorted. "In two weeks we'll be six thousand miles apart. That's an eight hour time difference, plus crazy schedules on both of our ends, so I don't see how it could work out."

"It isn't easy Meredith," Sadie said, standing up. "But you should really take some time to think about how you feel about Derek before you write him out of your life forever."

And with that, the three of them moved to the kitchen, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

* * *

I was still pacing. Granted, I had now moved up to my room, which was now all packed up, but I was still pacing. It was seven thirty in the evening; we were supposed to go out to dinner with Derek, Amelia, and Mark at nine thirty. Izzie had called Mark to let him know, but I knew that Derek had wanted me to call him, and I didn't. But I wasn't sure what I would say, or what I would do.

It all just hurt too much. It hurt way more than I expected it to, the fact that I was leaving tomorrow. If I could, if I didn't want to be a surgeon so badly, I would give it all up to move to England and stay with him. I would do it in a heartbeat.

And that's when it hit me.

I did love him. I loved Derek, and I didn't know how to handle it. I loved him, and I didn't want to spend our last night together in awkward silence or avoidance. So, I grabbed my purse and sprinted downstairs.

"Nine thirty right?" I called into the living room, where everyone was watching TV.

"Yeah," Izzie replied. "Where are you going?"

"I just have some stuff to do," I called on my way out the door.

I reached Derek's door completely out of breath, taking a second to compose myself before I knocked furiously at the door. Amelia answered, smiling but looking slightly confused.

"Hey Meredith," she said slowly. "I thought we were all getting together later."

"Where's Derek?" I asked, following Amelia back into the apartment, where she plopped herself down in front of the TV, watching the same show as my friends.

"In his room," Amelia replied, turning her attention back to the show.

I nodded and moved towards his bedroom, opening the door without knocking. Derek was lying on his back, leaning against the headboard. His eyes were closed, and he looked like he was in pain. One hand was rubbing his eyes, while the other held his phone tightly, presumably waiting for my phone call. But he looked up when I shut the door behind me, his eyes full of sadness and pain. They were a little red, almost as if he had been about to cry, but managed to shove it back, and I felt terrible. Because I knew how hard I was taking this, but I never really stopped to think about how broken he might be feeling too.

"Hey," I said quietly.

"Hey," he replied, his voice cracking a little. "You were supposed to call."

"I know. I wanted to apologize for acting weirdly this morning," I said, stepping closer to the bed. "It's just…I mean, I'm…" I could tell him, I could tell him I loved him right now, and lay everything out on the table. "It's just… this is really hard for me Derek," I settled for instead, sitting on the bed by his feet.

Derek shifted so that he was sitting next to me. "This is hard for me too Meredith," Derek said quietly, looking into my eyes, almost as if he was staring into my soul.

"I know," I said, moving one of my hands up to his hair, running my fingers through it once before sliding my hand back down his cheek. "And I am really sorry I didn't see that earlier Derek."

He nodded, angling his face closer to mine. "It's okay," he whispered before he kissed me gently. I kissed him back eagerly, pressing closer to him until I was straddling his lap.

"Meredith," Derek half whispered, half moaned. "We can't."

"Why not?" I answered, leaning in to kiss him again.

"Because Amelia's right in the living room, and she's awake," Derek said weakly.

"I'll be quiet, I promise," I smiled, before kissing him languidly. He gently turned me over and eased me backwards on to the bed, hovering over me. I moved my hands from his shoulders to his chest, and slowly began unbuttoning his shirt.

Sex with Derek was usually hard and fast, filled with desire and need, but this time was different. It was slow and gentle, and filled with emotion. Before, it was all about need and lust, but this time was different, I knew he loved me, and that I loved him, and that changed everything. There was no shouting, no screaming demands, just soft moans and whimpers, bringing us both closer to a climax that was more powerful than anything else I've experienced. Sex to me had always been emotionless, just a way to scratch an itch or whatever, but this was different. I might even call it making love, because though I don't really understand what that means exactly, this sex with Derek was different. There was emotion there, and it was love.

When we finished, Derek immediately pulled me to him, and I buried my face in his chest, tears beginning to form again over how much I was going to miss him. He ran his fingers through my hair for a while, neither one of us knowing what to say.

"That was," Derek began. "That was something else."

"Yeah," I agreed, tilting my head up to kiss his jaw. "That was incredible. Best ever."

"You're incredible," Derek said, looking down at me. "You're beautiful, kind, funny, and intelligent, and I care about you a lot."

The tears in my eyes began to spill, and I placed my head back on his chest so he wouldn't see my cry. That was his way of telling me he loved me, and I wanted to find a way to tell him that I felt the same way.

"I'm going to miss you so much," I finally whispered, squeezing his chest. "I don't think anyone has ever made me feel as great as you do, and I don't want to lose this."

He squeezed my shoulders and kissed the top of my head. "It'll be okay," he promised, but he didn't sound too convinced. I glanced over at the clock and realized it was nine o'clock.

"Crap," I said, moving away from him. "We have to go."

He looked over and sighed. "Yeah, I guess we do." Before I could propel myself off the bed, Derek pulled me to him and kissed me passionately, portraying everything we were leaving unsaid. I kissed him back with the same vigor, determined to let him know that I felt the same. When we finally came up for air, he rested his forehead against mine, and we smiled softly at each other.

A knock at the door tore us apart.

"Come on Derek!" Mark yelled, we're supposed to meet them soon, what the hell are you doing?"

I heard the doorknob twist, and I made a noise that could only be called a squeak. Looking down at my still naked body, I quickly jumped into Derek's bed and pulled the twisted blankets up to my chin as Derek threw on his boxers.

"Seriously man, what are you-" Mark stopped as his eyes moved from Derek to me, a smirk spreading across his face. "Oh, I see you're already saying goodbye."

"Shut up Mark," Derek snapped, his face turning red.

"Nothing says goodbye as well as sex," Mark laughed, looking at me. "So Mer, are you guys just going to stay here all night, or will you be putting clothes on soon."

"Mark, get out!" Derek barked. "We'll be out in ten minutes."

"Oh, another quicky then?" Mark raised his eyebrow.

"Out now!" Derek demanded, pushing Mark out the door and slamming it. "I'm sorry," he said softly, turning to me.

"It's okay," I shrugged. "I'm surprised we haven't been caught sooner actually." I laughed, trying to lighten the mood.

"True," Derek smiled. "Um, what are we doing tonight? I mean, after dinner? Am I going to stay over, or do you want to just say goodbye tonight?"

"Oh," was all I could say, not expecting that. "Well, I wouldn't mind if you stayed over, we could sleep on the pull out couch in the living room so Cristina can have one last night in her bed."

Derek nodded, seeming a little nervous. "Can I take you guys to the airport?" he blurted. "I just- I want to make sure you leave okay."

I smiled at him. "Yeah, I would really like that."

We dressed in silence after that, but Derek took my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze before we left his room to spend one last night with our friends.

* * *

Hours later, we collapsed onto the just made pull out couch, cuddling into each other. Tonight had been fun, albeit a little sad. We had a nice dinner before we all went to a small pub to sit and talk. Saying goodbye to Mark and Amelia was harder than expected, so I couldn't even imagine what it would be like to say goodbye to Derek.

As I scooted closer to him, Derek kissed me softly before pulling away and wrapping his arms around my waist.

"We're getting up at eight tomorrow?" he asked quietly, looking at me in the dark.

"Yeah," I whispered, leaning in to kiss him again. "Night."

"Goodnight Meredith," he replied, kissing my forehead like he always did, before closing his eyes.

I couldn't sleep for a while. I'm pretty sure Derek was still awake too, but neither one of us said anything. I was exhausted, but I couldn't sleep yet, not until I did something.

Finally, Derek sighed deeply, his telltale sign that he was asleep, something I had learned over the weeks we spent together. When I heard it, I propped myself up, brushed my lips gently across his cheek, and whispered in his ear.

"I love you too Derek Shepherd."


	10. Six Months

_**A/N: So, it's finally here. To me, this chapter sounds a little repetitve, and I'm not sure if I'm satisfied with it yet, but I want to publish it for you all to read. **_

_**Also, I don't want to burst anyone's bubble, but do not expect a happy ending right away. Derek is just starting his fifth year of residency, so he will be in London for at least a year before he applies for fellowships. But anyway, I don't want to spoil anything, so I'll just get straight to the story.**_

**Song: _Six Months _by Parachute**

* * *

**Chapter 10: Six Months**

_So please, give me your hands  
So please, give me a lesson on how to steal, steal a heart  
As fast as you stole mine, as you stole mine_

_Oh and everything you say_  
_Every time we kiss, I can't think straight_  
_But I'm okay_  
_And I can't think of anybody else_  
_Who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you_

My phone vibrated at seven thirty the next morning, and though I got less sleep than I wanted, I woke up immediately. I didn't technically have to wake up until eight, but I purposefully set my alarm a half hour early so that I could enjoy this. So I could remember every detail of what it felt like to be in Derek's arms, because I wasn't sure if it would ever happen again.

I felt so safe, and warm and loved in his arms, and I tried to burn into memory the way his arms draped around my waist, his fingers gently grazing the edge of my back.

Or the way his nose and mouth were always buried in my hair, regardless of whether we spooned or I faced him when he slept. And how he breathed me in when he slept, and how his warm breath hit my scalp as he exhaled.

I placed my hand lightly on his chest, running my fingers over the soft tuft of hair. I could feel the strong muscles as I moved my way upwards, caressing his strong, broad shoulders.

Finally, I ran my fingers through his dark, wavy hair, the feeling I knew he loved so much. His hair was one of my favorite parts of his body. The way he took care of it, spending almost a half an hour in front of the bathroom mirror to make it look perfect, was a little dorky and weird, but as I said, it always looked perfect, and I loved running my fingers through it.

I heard a phone buzzing, and reached my hand underneath my pillow in order to silence what I thought was my phone. Instead, Derek twitched, disentangling himself from me and rolling over to the coffee table next to the pull out couch to grab his phone. He fumbled with it for a moment before switching it off and rolling towards me, eyes partially open, but drooping with sleep.

"Hey," he whispered, surprised to find me awake. "Sorry about that. You can go back to sleep, we don't have to be up for fifteen minutes." He wrapped his arms back around me and pulled me to him. I kissed his neck as I snuggled into him, but kept my eyes open.

"Then why did you set your alarm for this time?" I asked quietly.

I could practically feel the heat emanating from Derek's skin as it turned red. "Um, I don't know. I just… did."

"Uh huh," I said, smiling into his chest. "It's okay, I set my alarm for seven thirty. That's why I'm awake."

"Oh," was all he said, but he squeezed me a little tighter.

"I guess great minds think alike," I said, trying to joke around, and I managed to illicit a small chuckle from Derek. For the next fifteen minutes we just laid there. We didn't speak or even look at each other; my head was resting against his chest, and his chin was at the top of my head.

Finally, the official alarm rang, and we heard movement upstairs, signaling that it was time for us to wake up.

I pulled away from Derek slightly, just enough to be able to look into his eyes. He offered me a sad smile as he angled his face downward and pressed his lips against mine. I'm sure it was meant to be a soft, quick, good morning kiss, but I couldn't leave it at that. Not that now, our remaining kisses were officially numbered. My hands snaked their way into his hair, and I eased my own mouth open so that he would follow suit, and his tongue slid into my mouth.

It wasn't until someone began clamoring down the stairs that we broke apart, sheepish smiles on both of our faces.

"Well, that was a way to wake up," he laughed, finally rolling away from me and climbing off of the couch. I got up, and went to fold it back up when Derek stopped me, capturing my wrists with his much larger hand.

"Go get ready," he said, kissing my cheek. "I'll straighten up."

"Are you sure?" I asked, wanting to stay with him, but not wanting to seem too clingy either.

"Yeah, just go make sure everything is packed, throw on some comfortable clothes. It'll only take me a second."

"Okay," I agreed, but kissed him again for good measure as I headed up the stairs.

* * *

_You're the direction I follow to get home__  
When I feel like I can't go on, you tell me to go  
And it's like I can't feel a thing without you around  
And don't mind me if I get weak in the knees  
'cause you have that effect on me, you do_

_Months going strong now, and no goodbye  
Unconditional, unoriginal  
Always by my side  
Meant to be together  
Meant for no one but each other  
You love me, I love you harder so_

I'm not sure if it was because it was only nine in the morning or the sadness of leaving, but the entire car ride to Heathrow was made in complete silence. Cristina, Izzie, and Sadie were all squished into the backseat of Derek's car, while I sat beside him in the passenger's seat, his hand firmly gripped around mine. Occasionally, his thumb would stroke the top of my hand, a gesture I had surprisingly found comforting.

When we arrived at the airport, it was practically deserted. We were able to check in with relative ease, and we were even able to convince the woman at check in to let Derek accompany us all the way to the gate. We made it through security in what seemed like record time, and still had about an hour before our flight left when we reached the terminal.

"Alright," Cristina said, yawning as she placed her carryon on top of a chair. "I need caffeine, anyone want to come with me?"

Izzie and Sadie volunteered, leaving Derek and I to guard the bags. He plopped down into one of the uncomfortable airport terminal chairs, pulling me down with him. His arms immediately wrapped around my waist, and I tilted my head so I could lean against his shoulder.

We sat in silence for several minutes until suddenly, everything hit me like a train. I was leaving. Derek was staying here. We were going to be apart for God knows how long. We may never see each other again.

My stomach began fluttering at that, just a nervous feeling. But then that small, nervous, butterflies in stomach feeling grew rapidly, until it became impossible to control. Tears sprang in my eyes as I started trembling, gasping for the air that couldn't seem to fill my lungs.

"Meredith?" Derek said, noticing my trembling and shifting me so that he could look at me.

And that's when it all came undone.

"Derek!" I gasped before beginning to sob, clinging to his shirt as he held me, a stupefied expression on his face, one that said he wasn't sure how to handle this. I wanted to stop crying, I really did, but I couldn't. The tears did stop eventually, but the gasping breaths did not. I tried to inhale deeply, only to be caught by a sob, preventing my lungs from filling with oxygen.

"I, I…" I gasped, wanting to explain myself to Derek, who looked frightened as he stared at me. "I can't – I can't"

"Shh," Derek soothed, kissing my head. "Slow, slow down. Slow it down, shh. Slow deep breaths, slow deep breaths." He instructed gently, but nothing seemed to work, I couldn't calm down.

Derek stood, lifting me up with him so that he was cradling me.

"Meredith, I'm going to be right back. I'm just going over to that sandwich store to grab a brown paper bag, I'll be right back, okay?"

I somehow managed a nod, and he placed me down on the chair. He seemed to be back in seconds, sitting down beside me as he handed me the bag.

"Take this," Derek said as I grabbed the bag. "Slowly, slowly." He inhaled and exhaled deeply, giving me a pattern to try and follow in order to calm down. I closed my eyes, trying hard to focus on breathing in and out. I reached my hand down, locking my fingers with his, and he held mine just as tightly.

Slowly, my breathing returned to normal, leaving me exhausted. Without even thinking, I slowly fell against Derek's chest, my hand still holding his. He wrapped his free arm around my shoulder, his cheek pressing against my forehead as I recovered from my panic attack. Eventually, I moved the bag away from my face and sat up straight, turning towards him.

"I'm okay," I said, trying to sound strong.

"You're okay," he repeated, smiling back at me. I wiped the tears away as he smoothed my hair, and we just stared at each other, once again engrossed in our own tiny bubble.

"Thank you," I whispered, giving him what I hoped was a strong smile.

"You're welcome," he said just as softly, continuing to stare at each other. I could tell he wanted to say more, just as I wanted to say more, but the moment was broken as I looked away, suddenly conscious of the other people in the airport, several of whom just saw my little melt down.

"Meredith," Derek said, drawing my eyes back to him. I saw the conflict behind them as he opened his mouth. "I just wanted… I know it's bad timing but I-" he paused to gather his bearings. I knew what he wanted to say, I knew exactly what he was going to say. But he surprised me; the conflict bled away to sadness as he sighed deeply, still looking at me. "I'm really going to miss you."

Rather than respond, I kissed him. I kissed him with everything I had; every feeling, every emotion as I tried, in my own way, to tell him that I loved him. That he meant something to me. That this wasn't just a fling, and that I knew he loved me too.

"I'm really going to miss you too," was what I said instead when we pulled apart.

My friends came back shortly after that, and we chatted for the rest of the time, just small talk, until our plane was finally called. When they began boarding, Izzie, Cristina and Sadie stood up, said a quick goodbye to Derek, and once again left us alone.

We stood slowly, still holding hands. Derek pulled his hand from mine, placing them on my hips as I wrapped mine around his shoulders, hugging him fiercely. We separated slightly, and my hard broke even more than it was at the sight of Derek. He was trying to be strong and stoic, but I could still make out the tears in his eyes.

"Please call me when you get to Boston," he said softly, looking at me as if he was memorizing my face.

I snorted. "Yeah right," I laughed, until I caught his facial expression. It crumpled and he looked hurt. _Crap._

"No, Derek I didn't mean it like that," I said quickly, pulling him into my arms again, rubbing his back for a moment before I pulled away again, holding his face in my palms. "I can't call you. I don't have an international plan and I'm currently unemployed but soon to be on an intern's salary, so I won't make enough to afford to call you. But I'll definitely email you or something. Okay?"

Derek smiled sadly at me, but looked a little relieve. "Good," he said before capturing my lips with his own. The kiss was hard and possessive. His lips worked quickly over mine, and I melded myself against him, keeping up with his pace. I could feel his hands digging into my hips, but the pain didn't bother me at all. I just wanted to stay in this moment forever, to remember every detail of his lips against mine, and pray that this moment would never end.

When they made their last boarding call, we pulled apart.

"You need to get on the plane," he said softly, releasing me from his grip.

"Yeah," I said reluctantly, kissing him again softly before grabbing my carry on. "Goodbye Derek," I sniffled, trying to prevent myself from crying until I got on the plane.

"Bye Meredith," he said just as sadly, and with one last, long, loving look at each other, I turned away from Derek Shepherd and entered the plane.

As soon as I sat down next to Cristina, tears began streaming down my cheeks.

"Are you okay?" Cristina asked, her voice surprisingly sympathetic.

"No," I admitted, my voice shaking. "We're leaving, and I'm… I'm leaving him. And it hurts, a lot. And I know I told you that I wasn't falling for him, but I did. He's McDreamy, and I fell in love with him. I love him."

In an entirely uncharacteristic manner, Cristina comfortingly placed her hand on my arm and squeezed gently. "I know," she replied softly.

"I just, I wasn't supposed to love him, but I do, and now I may never see him again," I gasped, letting out a small sob.

"I know," Cristina repeated, placing her head on my shoulder and wrapping one arm around my shoulder.

I was taken aback by this; Cristina is not a touchy feely person.

"You know this constitutes hugging, right?" I asked, keeping my voice as steady as possible while trying to make a joke.

"Shut up," Cristina snapped. "I'm your person."

We stayed like that for a little while, letting me cry over the fact that I had left the man I loved behind, despite how necessary it was.


	11. So Far Away

_**A/N: Honestly, I'm not a huge fan of this chapter. Mainly because it's purpose is just to move time along, and show that they're still apart. It's not told from anyone's point of view or anything, mainly because it is full of emails and chats. However, I can't just skip over months of their separation; I have to acknowledge it somehow, and don't worry, there won't be many of these. So, though this update doesn't really have a plot point, I would appreciate some reviews from you guys nonetheless. Thanks for reading!**_

**Chapter 11: So Far Away**

_So far away  
Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore  
It would be so fine to see your face at my door  
Doesn't help to know you're just time away_

_Long ago I reached for you and there you stood  
Holding you again could only do me good  
Oh, how I wish I could  
But you're so far away_

To: Derek Shepherd

July 14, 2005, 9:38 PM

Dear Derek,

I'm really sorry I didn't email you sooner, everything has just been so crazy. Apparently, moving out of one apartment and into a bigger house all the way across the country is slightly more difficult than I had anticipated lol. Anyway, I'm writing now to let you know that I am safely in Seattle and all moved in.

Clearing out my apartment in Boston took a lot of work, and road tripping across the country with Cristina and Izzie was even worse. I swear, they can act like such children sometimes. I mean, they're friends and all, but they are just so different that they can't just be around each other for hours on end together, they need to be doing something. But, they were stuck in my jeep for five days straight, and they wanted to kill each other by 3:00 pm on the first day. I was ready to kill them by five. They just kept snapping at each other.

Anyway, five days and one flat tire later (we got stuck on a highway in Wyoming for two and a half hours before the tow truck came) we made it to Seattle. It's just Izzie and I living in my mother's house; Cristina is from Beverly Hills and her parents are loaded, so they're paying for her own apartment. The house seems bigger than I remember, then again, I was only five when we left. There are some boxes around that I have to eventually unpack, but I'm hoping that Izzie will go on a cleaning binge and do it for me.

So, tomorrow morning is my first day at the hospital. I'm scared Derek. I'm afraid I won't be good enough, or that I'll kill someone, and everyone will walk around calling me 007 (it's a thing, I swear). I just want to be good enough. Scratch that, I want to be great, even better than my mother. But I'm not sure I can. I just wanted to get that out; Cristina and Izzie are being really positive and competitive, and I don't want them to know how scared I am.

I hope everything is going well in London and that Amelia and Mark aren't torturing you too much. I miss you Derek, and I think about you a lot. Email me back when you get a chance, I would love to hear from you.

I should probably go to bed now, my first shift is forty-eight hours long, so I should probably get some rest. Hopefully I'll hear from you soon.

I miss you,

Meredith

* * *

To: Meredith Grey

July 15, 2005, 7:02 pm

Hey Mer,

Thank God you finally emailed me back, I was starting to get nervous. I just got home from the hospital and saw your message. It's around seven at night here, which means it is about eleven am your time, so it's still early into your first shift, and I hope you get this. I just wanted to say that you will be great Mer, much greater than your mother. You are so smart, not to mention compassionate, and Seattle Grace is lucky to have you. I firmly believe you will grow and thrive there, and you will soon be making a name for yourself, just you wait.

Wow, forty eight hour shift huh? I do not miss being an intern, it seems so long ago, though it was only four years ago. It was a learning experience, but definitely not a torture I'd like to repeat. You'll do great, just remember to eat and sleep when you can; it's a marathon not a sprint. And don't do anything I wouldn't do ;)

Mark and Amy are being themselves, which is actually starting to get annoying. I feel a little bad about it though. I mean, I was supposed to show Amy around London because she's never spent a huge amount of time here, but I've been really busy and when I come home I'm not really interested in going out to bars and clubs. It was always a lot easier when you were here, then I could pawn her off on you or your friends when I wanted to sleep.

So, you're living with Izzie all by yourself; how's that going? At least she cooks and cleans, so her very perky personality should be balanced out by that. I hope the three of you will still find time to have fun now that you're all on crazy schedules.

I miss you too, a lot. Life has become a lot less interesting since you and your friends have left; Mark by himself just isn't as entertaining anymore. Do you have a screen name or some kind of chat program? Because I was thinking that maybe we could have an actual conversation at some point, rather than having to wait hours between emails. Let me know what you think.

Anyway, I've been up for twenty four hours straight, so I think I'm going to get some sleep. I miss you so much Mer, and I really hope that I get to talk to you soon. I hope your first shift is going well, and remember: you are brilliant, and you'll do great.

Derek

* * *

To: Derek Shepherd

July 18, 2005, 11:13 am

Derek,

Man, I'm exhausted. I got off my shift yesterday morning and slept until about two hours ago. Straight through. However, it was totally worth it. On the fifteenth, this girl came into the ER having grand mal seizures. No one knew what was wrong with her, so one of the Attendings decided to hold a competition, and the intern that figured out what was wrong with Katie Bryce (the girl) first got to scrub in. And guess what? I diagnosed her! Turns out she had an aneurysm, it was really small and didn't show up on her scans right away, but it was there, and I got to scrub in! Granted, I didn't really do anything but watch, but it was so cool being in the OR. Cristina got a little mad at me because I figured it out before her, but she got over it. I think I might actually have what it takes. I mean, I could quit because there are a million reasons why I should, but when I saw Katie's brain up close, I got such a high. Seriously, I don't know why anyone does drugs.

Derek, you do realize we aren't in high school, right? Don't you think AOL or AIM or whatever is a little juvenile? But, I guess I would like to have an actual conversation with you, so maybe I could make an account. We can figure out the logistics and stuff at some point.

I'm sorry Mark and Amelia aren't fun for you anymore, I really miss hanging out with them, I probably miss them more than I miss you (jk). I'm sorry that I'm not around to keep you so entertained, but you should try to go out and have fun anyway. If I ever get over this being up for forty right straight hours thing, I may start going to the bar across the street, so you should have fun too.

I'll talk to you soon Derek. I miss you a lot.

Meredith

* * *

To: Meredith Grey

August 2, 2005, 12:34 pm

Meredith,

I am so sorry it took me so long to respond to your last email, I hope you aren't mad at me. I just had some crazy shifts for a week, and then my mom insisted on coming to visit since both Amelia and I are over here, so she took up all my time. And I'm serious when I say all my time. My mom is really, really pushy, you would probably love her. Anyway, this is my attempt to get back in touch with you. I promise I didn't ignore your email or forget about you. I miss you so much Mer, I miss you all the time, and I don't think I could ever stop thinking about you, but I spent almost all of my time with my mom, and if I started emailing you in her presence, she would have asked about you constantly. Hell, she probably would have flown out to see you. So, by not responding to you, I ended up saving you a visit from a very loving but controlling and nosy woman.

I know I'm not in high school Meredith, but I really want to be able to have a conversation with you. One that occurs completely in one time, not delayed by schedules and time differences and when one checks their emails. I miss you so much, probably more than you miss me, so I conversation over IM, as childish as it sounds, is exactly what I need. Anyway, I set up an account, and here's my chat name so you can find me when you want to: dcs414 (my initials and birthday, you would do well to remember those.)

How's your internship going? Have you established an intern internal clock yet? I found myself waking up really early on my own after about three months into my internship, and it stuck with me, making me the morning person I am today.

Email me when you get a chance Mer, I want to hear all about work.

Derek

* * *

_September 23, 2005_

_mgrey signed on at 1:46 pm_

_mgrey: _Derek?

_dcs414: _Yeah, Mer?

_mgrey:_ Oh thank God! I was worried I might have chatted the wrong person.

_dcs414:_ Nope, you found me.

_mgrey:_ Good. How are you?

_dcs414:_ I'm good, tired, but good. How about yourself?

_mgrey:_ Eh, can't complain. I have the day off, which is great, but I got to work on this really amazing case yesterday.

_Dcs414:_ Oh yeah? What was it.

_Mgrey:_ It was another neuro case, so you'd be proud. This guy came into the ER unable to move his legs, he just suddenly began paralyzed. It was so weird; his scans were clean, so there was nothing to explain his creeping paralysis, but the surgeon opened him up anyway. And guess what? I actually got to assist! I mean, I was just hitting bleeders, but I actually did something rather than just scrub in to watch. And I saw the spinal cord; it was just… wow. I know it's way too early to declare, but I might consider specializing in neuro. I've really liked all the cases so far.

_Dcs414:_ That's great Mer! I've taught you well lol.

_Mgrey_: What do you mean? You haven't taught me anything…

_Dcs414: _Au contraire. I am a fifth year neuro resident, I definitely had some sway, even subconsciously, in you picking neuro.

_Mgrey_: Yeah, you keep telling yourself that. Besides, I haven't declared yet. It could change

_Dcs414_: But it won't, you admitted you love it, and you only talk to me about your neuro cases. You'll stick with it.

_Mgrey: _Think what you want.

_Dcs414_: Will do. What does your Mom think? Does she want you to follow in her footsteps?

_Mgrey_: Well, my mother didn't even think I was cut out to be a surgeon, so she definitely doesn't see me following in her footsteps. I haven't told her about the love of neuro yet, I'll probably put that off until I have to declare in third year, if she ever even bothers to ask.

_Dcs414:_ I'm sure she'll be proud of you eventually, and I'm sorry that she hasn't been supportive of you, but that's what you have me for Anyway, how's life in general? How are Izzie and Cristina?

_Mgrey:_ Seriously Derek, emoticons? You do realize you're almost thirty, and that it's not cool for you to do, right? Cristina and Izzie are fine. Cristina is all competitive and surgery hungry, where Izzie is a little too nosy and overbearing, but she cooks for me and cleans and pays rent, so I can't really complain.

_Dcs414:_ Well, since Izzie cooks, you won't have to go anywhere near the stove or oven and potentially burn your house down…

_Mgrey: _I hate you!

_Dcs414: _No you don't

_Dcs414: _God I miss you.

_Mgrey: _I miss you too Derek, so much.

_Dcs414: _We're seriously going to need to figure out the phone situation. I mean, I like this better than email, but I miss your voice too.

_Mgrey: _Same. Maybe I can work something out with the phone company. In case I do, here's my number: 206 555-8173

_Dcs414: _You do realize that this is the second time in three months you have given me your phone number, and I didn't even have to work for it this time. I really hope you aren't giving your number out to just anybody.

_Mgrey_: Ass

_Dcs414: _I'm just kidding Mer.

_Mgrey: _You're the only one I give my number to, I promise.

_Dcs414: _Thank you, that makes me feel better.

_Dcs414: _You should listen to this song, it reminds me of you: watch?v=Ytlz0rWantI

_Mgrey:_ Ok…

_Dcs414: _Meredith?

_Dcs414: _Mer…

_Mgrey: _I hate you!

_Dcs414: _Why? What did I do?

_Mgrey: _You go and make me listen to sad songs that are making me cry like a baby and miss you even more than I already do. This isn't easy on a normal day, and you adding sad songs to the mix just doesn't help. I'm crying right now Derek!

_Dcs414: _I'm sorry Meredith; I didn't want to make you cry. I'm sorry.

_Mgrey: _It's fine, I'll get over it. But I'm calling my phone company tomorrow… or the day after because I start my thirty six hour shift tomorrow morning.

_Dcs414: _Look, I gotta go, let me know how it goes with the phone company. At this point, I'll mail you forty dollars so you can pay the international minutes, I just really need to talk to you.

_Mgrey: _Okay. Trust me Der, the feelings mutual.

_Dcs413: _Miss you, talk to you soon.

_Mgrey: _Bye

_One more song about moving along the highway  
Can't say much of anything that's new  
If I could only work this life out my way  
I'd rather spend it being close to you_


	12. Payphone

_**A/N: Hey guys, I know it's been over a week, but I've been really busy. Plus, I told myself I wouldn't post this chapter until I finished a later chapter, which I know feels unfair to you, but it's meant to make me write faster. I apparently also forgot to add a key detail to my author's note last chapter. So, in the IM conversation, Derek sends Meredith a song link. The song is**_** New York _by Snow, Patrol, and that's very important, or at least noteworthy. Anyway, this chapter is from Meredith's point of view, and once again, it shows the passage of time and their relationships and all that good stuff. Anyway, enjoy, and let me know what you think!_**

**Chapter 12: Payphone**

_I'm at a payphone trying to call home  
All of my change I spent on you  
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong  
Where are the plans we made for two?_

_Yeah, I, I know it's hard to remember,_  
_The people we used to be..._  
_It's even harder to picture,_  
_That you're not here next to me._

**December 25, 2005**

I pace when I'm nervous. Which would be why I kept doing laps around my bedroom, clutching the phone tightly in my hand. Derek had decided that for part of my Christmas present, he would pay the bill in order to call me at Christmas and hear my voice. And I knew that it had the potential of being very expensive, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I _needed _to talk to him, to hear his deep voice, his laugh, everything. I was seriously hung up on him.

Cristina would occasionally call me pathetic, but it didn't really bother me. She would try to pressure me into going on a date or getting drunk and having a one night stand, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I had Derek, and that was enough. Granted, I wasn't sure _how _I had Derek, we never really defined our relationship, but we both seemed pretty invested, and for now, it was good enough for me.

There was a part of me, way back in the recesses of my mind, that kept telling me it wasn't normal. That a six thousand mile separation was not, and was never going to be, a relationship, but I tried not to listen. I know that this is the rational part of my brain, and I'll have to face it eventually, but for now, I choose to ignore it.

_If "Happy Ever Afters" did exist,  
I would still be holding you like this  
All those fairy tales are full of shit  
One more stupid love song, I'll be sick_

Suddenly, the house phone began ringing, and I heard someone move downstairs to get it.

"Izzie, I've got it! It's for me!" I shouted loudly, looking down at the caller ID. All that was displayed was "International", so I was right in assuming it was for me. I took a second to take a deep breath to calm my nerves and excitement. It had been almost six months since I had heard his voice, and as much as I wanted to hear him, I did not want to burst into tears as soon as he started speaking.

"Hello?" I said as calmly as I could when I pressed the talk button.

"Meredith?" Derek's deep, beautiful voice asked. He sounded nervous and unsure, but I knew it was still _him. _I grinned immediately; his voice sounded far away, but then again, he really was far away. But none of that mattered, because I could hear him.

"Derek!" I practically squealed, hearing the ridiculous excitement in my voice, but really not caring at all. This was what I had needed the past couple months, and I was finally finding relief.

"Mer," he sighed quietly, his voice relieved. "It's nice to finally hear your voice."

"You have no idea," I agreed.

"Actually, I'm pretty sure I do," Derek laughed, and my heart squeezed at the low sound before I joined along with him.

"I guess that's true," I admitted. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas," Derek replied. "How has your day been so far?"

"Well, considering the fact that it's only nine in the morning here, pretty good. What about you?"

"It's alright. I had to work for a couple hours this morning, but this is by far the highlight of my day."

"Mine too," I smiled.

"So, how did you like your present?" Derek asked

"Oh, they were great! Thank you so much. However, I feel like my residents won't let me use scalpels that were made in the 1860s when I'm in the OR, but it was a nice thought."

"Shut up," Derek laughed. "I just thought that you would appreciate it. Maybe you can use them when you're practicing your technique."

"Maybe," I laughed in reply. "What did you think of your present?"

"I actually haven't opened it yet, I was going to wait."

"Great, now you're making me feel like crap because I opened it as soon as I got it," I scoffed, rolling my eyes at him, even though he couldn't see it.

"No, it's fine. I wanted you to open it when you got it, you got my present a week ago and I didn't expect you to wait until Christmas."

"Are you saying I'm a last minute shopper just because yours didn't get to you until three days ago?" I snapped, feigning hurt.

"No!" Derek insisted. "Look, can I just open it now?"

"If you want to," I answered non-committedly.

Derek groaned as I laughed, and I listened as he opened the package and unwrapped the present I had mailed.

"A webcam?" Derek asked once he finished unwrapping it.

"Well, yeah," I said, hoping he would get it. "My laptop has one, and yours doesn't."

"So?"

"Well, I was thinking, rather than chatting or spending ridiculous amounts of money on phone calls, maybe we could video chat sometime. It's free, and I could actually see you, and it would almost be like you were there. But if you don't…"

"Mer," Derek said quickly, interrupting me. "I love it. Thank you so much. And we will definitely need to use this as soon as possible."

"Okay," I replied, smiling. We sat in silence for a moment before a random thought popped in my head.

"I'm thinking about getting a dog," I said randomly.

"Okay…" Derek replied slowly.

"Yeah, I've always wanted a dog, but my mom never let me have one, and it would be nice to have one," I began rambling.

"What kind of dog would you get?"

"Oh, I don't know, probably a big one. I'd want one that I could play with and walk long distances and stuff. You know, get out of the house with," I kept rambling, but the more I spoke, the more unrealistic it sounded.

"I'd love that too. When I settle down, I want to buy a huge tract of land, that way I can have plenty of kids and pets," Derek replied longingly.

"That would be really great Derek. But, maybe I should hold off on the dog for now. I mean, I barely have any time with my schedule, so the dog wouldn't get enough care or attention. Maybe in a couple of years."

We talked for a half an hour more, until we really had nothing more to say to each other. I could tell we were both reluctant to get off the phone, I loved hearing his voice, and I just wanted to keep listening to him talk about nothing.

Finally, after a particularly long pause, I spoke. "I think I have to go. Izzie is really into Christmas, so my entire house looks like Santa's freaking Village, and she invited a bunch of people over for Christmas dinner, and I have to help set up."

"Yeah," Derek sighed deeply. "I should probably call my family and wish them a Merry Christmas. It's about one there, so I'll probably be able to talk to everyone before dinner gets underway."

"Let me know when you have your webcam figured out."

"I will. I miss you Meredith."

"I miss you too," I said, my voice cracking slightly. "Bye Derek."

"Bye Mer."

* * *

_January 20, 2006_

I drummed my fingers on the desk in my mother's old study as I stared at my computer screen. Derek told me he would email me when he got online, but it was taking too long and I was losing patience fast.

It had taken him a little while to figure out the webcam, and then both of us had to download a program so we could video chat, and then our schedules never coincided with our time difference, which led to almost a month of waiting before we could finally video chat. And Derek wasn't even online like he said he would be.

I was so close to being able to see him, and I just couldn't wait any longer. It had been six months. Six long, long months since I had stared at his sparkling blue eyes and saw his curly raven hair in person rather than in a picture, and I was finally going to be able to.

Finally, my email beeped, signaling a new message. It was from Derek, but it was very brief.

_Online now. Should I call you or you call me?_

_I'll call you, wait one second! _I typed quickly and hit send before opening a new browser and signing in to the program. As I waited for the program to connect us, I thought about different things we could talk about. As fun as just staring at him might be, it would probably be a lot less creepy and stalkerish if we actually had a conversation while video chatting.

Suddenly, a box popped up on my screen, and there he was.

I gasped. The pictures and my memories did not do him justice. At all. His dark hair was a little longer, and slightly more curly than I remember, especially at the ends. His eyes seemed brighter, and as he looked at me, they crinkled as he gave me the most gorgeous smile I have ever seen him give. Even if it was almost midnight in London, and he was wearing his old grey Bowdoin shirt that was usually reserved for bed, he is still the most attractive man I have ever seen.

And I could finally see him.

His face slowly changed from one of pure joy to concern as he stared at me.

"Mer," he said, my name like a prayer on his lips. "What's wrong?"

That's when I realized I was crying. I could feel the tears running down my face as I looked back at him; he must have thought I was crazy.

"No-nothing," I stuttered out. "I just can't believe it's _you_. And I'm really happy to see you."

Derek smiled at me again. "And I'm really happy to see you too."

"Good," I said, laughing a little.

"Are you alright?" Derek said, suddenly concerned again.

"Yes Derek, I'm fine," I said, rolling my eyes.

"You don't look fine. You look beautiful, but you don't look fine," Derek replied. "You look exhausted."

"Yeah well, life of an intern," I said, shrugging. I smiled at him again, still in amazement that I could see him and speak to him, almost like he was here with me.

Almost.

But with that happiness, I also felt a little empty. Yes, I loved hearing his voice and seeing him and doing both at the same time, but he wasn't actually here in Seattle with me. Though I was incredibly fortunate to be able to do those things, it wasn't the same as being _with_ him. Physically in his space to touch and kiss and hold him. Call me selfish, but that was important too.

Which gave me a brilliant idea.

"What are you doing in July?" I asked, trying to be nonchalant.

"Um, I don't know. Getting ready for my fellowship probably, why?" Derek asked, raising his eyebrows at me. Man, I loved being able to see his facial expressions.

"Well, I get two weeks off after my intern exam, and I was thinking about planning another trip to London."

Derek looked at me, befuddled for a moment before he put the pieces together, giving me a wide grin.

"I see," he said. "And would I be able to see you on your trip to London?"

"I suppose I can make time for you," I said slowly, teasing him. "I could use a sexy tour guide to show me around again, and the last guy did a pretty good job."

"You're really thinking about coming to London?" Derek asked, his eyes wide with hope.

"Well, I need to check flights and stuff because I literally just thought of this, but yeah, if you'll have me, I'd like to come visit you."

"Of course I'll have you," he said happily.

"Good," I nodded. "I can crash on your couch."

"Don't be stupid," he rolled his eyes. "You'll stay in my bed."

"And where will you sleep?" I teased.

"In my bed." He answered simply.

"Are you sure that's appropriate, a tour guide and his tourist."

"Oh, it's definitely not appropriate," Derek said huskily, his low voice filled with lust as he looked at me with hooded eyes and a wicked grin, one that told me he was picturing me naked.

I laughed. "I guess I can live with that."

"So, maybe July?" Derek confirmed.

"Maybe July."


	13. Dreaming With A Broken Heart

_**A/N: Sorry for the long wait guys. I'm getting bogged down with work and stuff, so my updates are going to be pretty sporadic, but I'll try to update about once a week. This update is pretty positive, so I hope you like it. Let me know what you think!**_

**Chapter 13: Dreaming With A Broken Heart**

_**Derek's Point of View  
**_**  
Song: **_**Dreaming With A Broken **_**Heart by John Mayer**

_When you're dreaming with a broken heart  
The waking up is the hardest part  
You roll outta bed and down on your knees  
And for the moment you can hardly breathe  
Wondering was she really here?  
Is she standing in my room?  
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone..._

_We were sitting in Hyde Park, just people watching and talking about nothing in particular. She looked beautiful as usual, her golden hair in waves and her green eyes sparkling. She was in a bright blue sundress which fell at the top of her knees as she sat on the grass. She was giggling about something, probably about the biker guy walking a toy poodle on the path in front of us._

"_Look Derek," she said, pointing at the man. "He looks ridiculous!"_

"_Don't make fun of men with small dogs," I replied, frowning. "They can be just as fun as big dogs."_

_She raised her eyebrows at me. "What, did you have a little dog or something growing up?"_

_I felt myself blush, but I had to respond. "Mer, I grew up with four sisters, they got to pick the dog breed because they outnumbered me."_

"_Ha," she let out, a single syllable of laughter. "And what kind of dog was it?"_

"_An English Toy Spaniel," I admitted._

"_Oh, are those the ones with all the fur and the long ears and the really cute face?" Meredith asked, her voice rising as she smiled, obviously thinking about how cute the dog looked.  
"Yes," I said._

"_Let me guess, was your dog named princess?" She asked, mocking me again._

"_No!" I insisted. "They may have picked the breed, but my Mom made sure that it was a boy, and I got to name him. I needed another boy in the house, and he was like my brother, if you don't count Mark."_

"_What did you name him?"_

"_Charlie."_

_She burst out laughing. "Charlie? Seriously?"_

"_Yes," I said indignantly. "They're also called King Charles Spaniels because King Charles liked them, so I thought Charlie fit!"_

"_You researched the breed," she giggled. "Oh my God, you were such a nerd!"_

_I felt embarrassed for a couple of seconds before I felt a smirk spread across my face. "Oh Yeah?" I said slowly before launching myself at her. I knocked her backwards before I started tickling her stomach. "I'll show you a nerd," I rumbled as she shrieked, trying to wriggle away from me._

"_Derek!" She squealed, laughing. "Stop!"_

"_Apologize for calling me a nerd," I chuckled, my fingers still dancing lightly on her stomach._

"_Never!"_

"_Alright then," I said,moving one hand to her side, where I knew she was particularly sensitive._

"_Fine!" she gasped, her chest heaving from laughing so much. "I'm sorry!"_

_I stilled my movements, but still hovered over her. She was absolutely perfect, and I couldn't believe that she was mine. She gave me a winning smile, one that made me feel as though it was my life's mission to keep that smile on her face, to always make her happy._

"_I love you Meredith," I said softly, leaning down and pressing my lips against hers._

_When I pulled away, that smile had gotten brighter, if that was even possible._

"_And I lo-"_

BEEEEEPPPPP

I woke with a start, immediately sitting up and banging my head on the top bunk of the on call room bed. I cursed quietly and rubbed my head, looking around and trying to find some sentience. I was not sitting in Hyde Park with Meredith, I was in the on call room of the hospital at the tail end of my thirty six hour shift.

I missed Meredith so much. It was the beginning of May, meaning that I had met her almost a year ago, and hadn't been in the same place in ten months. And it still hurt like it was yesterday.

I realize that it may not be rational; Meredith was a girl I knew for two months while she was on vacation, we had a fling, and then she went home. Rationally, I should not still be obsessing over her, and I should not be as attached as I still was. But I loved her, and though I never actually told her, the feeling was not going away.

Mark had left me a lone for a couple of months, letting me grieve her loss and letting me miss her. But now he was pushing me to go out and meet people, which I had no intention of doing. I had no desire to go out with other women, plus, I talked to Meredith about once a week, and I was still very much in love with her. Going out with another woman would feel like cheating, and I am not a cheater. You know there are moments, moments that in a split second your life changes forever. And before you know it, you're somewhere else.

I fumbled with my pager, the object that had woken me up from my dream of Meredith. My lab work was back, so I made my way to the third floor to get the results. After consulting with the neurosurgeon assigned to the case, I discharged the patient and went to the cafeteria to get some breakfast.

I had just sat down with some oatmeal and an apple when Mark joined me.

"Hey man, how was being on call last night?"

"Not bad," I replied, biting into my apple. "There actually wasn't a lot to do. Only two neurosurgery cases came in, so I got to sleep for a couple of hours."

"That's good," Mark nodded. "Look, I was wondering if you wanted to go to the pub with me tonight? I'm meeting this girl, and she's bringing a friend, so it can be a double date or something."

"I don't think so," I replied quickly.

"Why not?" Mark pressed. "You need to get out there again, and this could be fun."

"Because of Meredith," I said, about to admit something I'd never told Mark before. "I'm still in love with Meredith."

"You're in love with her?" Mark said incredulously. "Derek, you haven't seen her since last July. When was the last time you even talked to her?"

"Last Tuesday," I answered. "We talk once a week."

"Man, I loved Meredith, she was fun and nice and stuff, but you have to be realistic. When are you going to see her again?"

"I don't know," I said softly. "She mentioned coming over after she takes her intern exam, she has two weeks off after that."

"And what about after that. Maybe you need to think about moving on," Mark said gently.  
With that, my pager went off. It was the chief.

"Listen, it's the Chief. I have to go," I got up, thinking about what Mark said about moving on, and trying to be realistic.

_When you're dreaming with a broken heart  
The giving up is the hardest part  
She takes you in with your crying eyes  
Then all at once you have to say goodbye  
Wondering could you stay my love?  
Will you wake up by my side?_

I knocked on the Chief of Surgery's office, and entered when told. Dr. Weston was sitting at his desk, going over some paper work. The Chief of Surgery was in his mid-fifties, with a full head of shock white hair and a distinguished face. Is accent was the kind that you heard in British films, which was a lot easier to understand when I started working here as an intern than the cockney accents of some of my peers. I liked to think that Dr. Weston really liked me, after all, he was a neurosurgeon as well before he became Chief.

"Ah, Derek, perfect timing," Dr. Weston said as he stood to shake my hand, before motioning me to sit down.

"Of course sir. How may I help you?"

Dr. Weston looked back down at his sheet quickly before looking back up at me. "Is New York close to Washington?" he asked.

"Um, that depends sir. Are you talking about Washington D.C. or Washington the state?"

"Uh," he glanced back down at his papers. "The state."

My heart clenched immediately. _Meredith. _"No sir, they're on the opposite ends of the country."

"Damn, I was hoping you would be able to see your family," he mumbled.

"Excuse me?"

"Well, there is an international neurosurgery conference taking place at the University of Washington at the end of the month, and we have some extra money in the budget, and I thought I would offer you a chance to go. You are, after all, one of my most talented neurosurgery fellows."

I couldn't believe it. "And this conference, it's in Seattle, Washington?"

"Yes it is. We will provide your airfare and the cost of the conference, but you will have to find lodging on your own. It is being held from May 18th until the 23rd, and I would like you to fly out a day or two early to get used to the time change. I would also expect you back at work by May 27th. Now, would you be interested in going?"

Would I be interested in going? That was a no brainer, I'd be close to Meredith for a week. "Yes sir, I am very interested in attending."

"Good," Dr. Weston nodded. "I'll let you look into flight times and such, and I can give you the funding as soon as you send me the flight information."

"Thank you very much for the opportunity sir," I said sincerely.

"Well of course. As I said, you are very talented."

"Thank you," I replied humbly before standing to leave. I had a phone call to make.

**XXXXXX**

As I listened to Meredith's house phone ring, I realized that I should have calculated the time difference first. It was about noon here, which meant that it was…four in the morning in Seattle. Oh God, she was going to kill me; here's hoping she worked a long shift at the hospital tonight so the phone won't wake her up. Finally, I heard a click as the answering machine picked up.

_Hi, you have reached Meredith and Izzie. We're unable to come to the phone right now, probably because we're stuck at Seattle Grace, but please leave your name, number, and a brief message and we'll get back to you soon. _

I smiled as I listened to Meredith's voice, and could practically hear her rolling her eyes as she recited the script. After a brief beep, I left my message.

"Hey Mer, it's Derek," I began. "I'm really sorry I'm calling so early, I didn't even think about the time difference until two seconds ago. Anyway, I have something really important to tell you, so call me back as soon as you get this. I will pay whatever cost, just please call me ASAP, okay? I miss you, bye." I hung up and headed to the locker room to change and go home for the day. I probably should get some sleep, but checking flights and times seems much more pressing at the moment.

Two hours later, I had just figured out a flight schedule when my phone rang. I glanced at the screen, and realized it was Meredith. I picked up, trying quickly to do the math, and realized it was only six am in Seattle.

"Hey Mer," I said brightly.

"Why the hell did you call at four in the morning?" she snapped, not happy to talk to me at all.

"Well good morning to you too," I chuckled. "And here I thought you'd be all excited to talk to me."

"Derek," she sighed, clearly not amused. "I didn't get home until midnight last night because of an accident that came in just as I was done my shift, and now I'm up at six to work seven to seven, so forgive me if I'm not a ball of freaking sunshine."

"I'm sorry Meredith," I said sincerely. "I really did forget about the time difference. But I just had something really exciting that I wanted to share with you."

I paused for dramatic affect.

"Well, what is it?" she asked.

"What are you doing from May 18th until the 23rd?" I asked coyly.

"Working Derek, what else do I do?" she snapped. Wow, I caught her on a bad day.

"Would your plans change if I told you I would be coming to Seattle for those days?" I asked, grinning even though she couldn't see it.

I expected a shriek or a gasp or something, but I got nothing. The other end of the line was just silent, and I wondered if I did anything wrong.

"Meredith?" I asked gently. "Do you not want me to come?"

"You-you're really coming to Seattle?" she asked, her voice shaking. I heard a little bit of hope in her voice, but not a lot, like she was afraid of being disappointed.

"The University of Washington is holding a neurosurgical conference, and my Chief of Surgery wants me to attend," I explained. "I was going to fly to Seattle on the sixteenth, stay for the conference, and fly back on the twenty fifth. What do you think?"

"I'm taking the whole week off," she said quickly. "I have plenty of sick leave because I haven't missed a day of work, so we can spend time together. Or I'll trade shifts with Izzie and Cristina and George and Alex because they owe me from other times, and-"

"Mer!" I cut her off, and couldn't help but laugh. "You don't have to take that entire time off. I'll be in conferences most of the day while I'm there, so you can work during the day, and spend time with me at night. I would like it, however, if you took the sixteenth, seventeenth, twenty fourth and twenty fifth off so I can spend all day with you."

"I'll pick you up from the airport on the sixteenth," she stated definitively, leaving no room for argument. "What time is your flight?"

"Well, I was going to book a ten thirty flight from London to Boston, putting me in the US around twelve thirty, and then taking a two pm flight from Boston to Seattle, so I'll be with you around seven thirty at night. My flight from Seattle would leave at noon on the twenty fifth."

"So you'll really be in Seattle on the sixteenth? In two weeks?" Excitement had crept into her voice, the same excitement I had been feeling for the last three hours.

"I really will be," I promised.

"Oh thank God!" she exclaimed. "I can't wait to see you. You have no idea."

"Actually I think a have a pretty good idea," I replied, causing her to laugh as we continued to plan my trip to Meredith.


	14. Kiss Me Slowly

_**A/N: Alright everyone, another week has passed, and I present you another update. It's a reunion update, so I hope you enjoy it. However, keep in mind their situation, and how it may affect them in the future. That's all I'm saying for now, so I hope you like this chapter!**_

**Chapter Fourteen: Kiss Me Slowly**

**Song: **_**Kiss Me Slowly **_**by Parachute**

_Stay with me, baby stay with me,  
Tonight don't leave me alone.  
Walk with me, come and walk with me,  
To the edge of all we've ever known._

_I can see you there with the city lights,_  
_Fourteenth floor, pale blue eyes._  
_I can breathe you in._  
_Two shadows standing by the bedroom door,_  
_No, I could not want you more than I did right then,_  
_As our heads leaned in._

I jolted awake as my alarm buzzed, my head foggy from sleep. I rolled over to shut off the buzzing, wondering for a moment why the hell I would set my alarm for nine in the morning on my day off, when I usually just slept all day. And as I concentrated on my alarm, hoping my clearly insane reasoning would come, it hit me like a bolt of lightning, and I was no longer tired. _Derek was coming today. _

I quickly got out of bed; I had so much to do to get ready. Everything had to be perfect for him. He was flying all the way out here to see me, and I guess attend some stupid conference, and everything had to be perfect.

I wandered down to the kitchen, wanting to make sure that it looked presentable enough for Derek's arrival. Luckily, Izzie had cleaned the day before after baking cookies and brownies for us to eat later tonight. She was working at the hospital until really late tonight, so she wouldn't be able to see Derek until the morning. I then moved into the living room, and, discovering that it was clean enough for Derek to see, climbed back up the stairs to tackle the most important problem: my bedroom.

I am an intern, I work really crazy hours and by the time I get home, I'm usually too exhausted to do anything but strip out of my street clothes, throw on pajamas, and climb into bed. This means that I have a lot of dirty laundry lying around in my room, which should probably get taken care of before Derek gets here.

After putting all my clothes in the hamper, I tackled my bathroom. It wasn't all that hard to clean, mainly because dirty bathrooms disgust me and I'm more likely to clean that than my room.

By the time I finished, it was noon. Unfortunately, I wasn't planning on leaving for the airport until six thirty, which means I had about six and a half hours to get ready before I saw Derek. I showered, throwing on a pair of yoga pants and a grey tee shirt before heading downstairs again to check on the content of the refrigerator in order to make sure we had enough food.

Realizing that I didn't know how to cook, and that Derek would probably want some decent food after two long plane rides, I called a local Italian restaurant that had take out, and ordered two chicken parmesan dinners, I at least knew how to work a microwave. Just as I got back to my house, Cristina called, causing me to scramble to answer it.

"Hello?" I said distractedly, trying to stuff the dinners into the fridge without dropping anything.

"How's your day off?" Cristina asked.

"Ugh, fine, I'm just getting some stuff together. How's the hospital?"

"Good, I get to scrub in on a humpty dumpty later today," Cristina replied, her voice filled with pride.

"Wow, congrats!" I said, genuinely happy for her.

"So what are your plans for tonight? Are you and Shepherd gonna come hang out at Joe's before you drop him off at his hotel or something?"

"Actually," I began slowly. "I don't think Derek is going to stay at a hotel, he'll probably just stay with me."

The other end of the phone was silent, and it had me worried.

"What Cristina?"

"Nothing," Cristina assured me quickly. Too quickly.

"Seriously Cristina, what is it?" I repeated.

"I just don't think that's a good idea," Cristina sighed.

"And why not?"

"Because," she said, her voice becoming defensive. "Your intern exam is eight weeks away, and we have to start studying. Plus, if Derek's around all the two of you will do is have sex, and it's really not healthy that you do that."

"Oh really? Why isn't it healthy?" I snapped.

"Because your relationship with Derek is already bordering on unhealthy, and this will just make it more so."

"Our relationship is not unhealthy!" I exclaimed.

"Right, pining over a guy you knew for two months a year ago is so normal," she shot back, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"We still talk a lot!" I insisted.

"Exactly, and that's not normal," she replied matter of factly.

"You know what? I'm not having this conversation anymore. I'll talk to you later."

"Mer, come on, I didn't mean…" Cristina began, her voice trailing off. She didn't bother to finish her statement, because we both knew she would be lying if she did; she meant exactly what she was saying.

"It's fine Cristina, I'll see you at work on Friday," I sighed before hanging up. _Our relationship wasn't that unhealthy, was it?_

_Well, I'm not sure what this is gonna be,  
But with my eyes closed all I see  
Is the skyline, through the window,  
The moon above you and the streets below. (Don't let go)  
Hold my breath as you're moving in,  
Taste your lips and feel your skin.  
When the time comes, baby don't run, just kiss me slowly._

I waited patiently at the arrival area, studying the screen, which currently told me that Derek's plane was in fact landing at this time. I couldn't stand still, it was impossible. I just had to keep moving, pacing back and forth in order to prevent myself from jumping up and down with excitement. He was coming. He was here, he was really, really here. And he would really be in front of me in about fifteen minutes. And then, everything would be perfect.

In an instant, Derek's flight information vanished from the screen, signaling that everyone had gotten off the plane. I moved closer to the luggage carousel, where I was sure I would see him.

After ten minutes of waiting, I finally saw him.

He still looked good. Just as handsome and rugged as I remember, despite the long plane rides. He was wearing a gray tee shirt with black sweatpants, his hair sticking up slightly, like it did right after he woke up from a nap. He looked exhausted and uncomfortable, most likely from being cramped into a small space for many hours, but he was still here.

I watched him as he waited for his suitcase. He didn't notice me, so I took the opportunity to just stare at him for a little while. Eventually, he grabbed his suitcase, and briefly scanned the arrivals room. Apparently he didn't see me, and went to pull out his phone, I'm guessing to call me. Just as he put the phone to his ear, our eyes locked, and we simply stared at each other for a moment, as if we didn't believe it was really happening. Simultaneously, he lowered his phone, smiling at me as I moved through the crowd to him. His suitcase forgotten, he opened his arms as I threw myself at him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and legs around his waist as he held me.

I pulled my face from his shoulder, angling it so it was millimeters away from his own.

"Hi," I whisper, not trusting my voice to become any louder, or there would be a strong possibility that I would cry.

"Hey," he replies, his warm breath buffering against my skin. And then, before our conversation could continue, he kissed me.

I melted instantly. This is what I had been dreaming about for almost a year, and this is what I so desperately missed. I heard myself moan as he guided my mouth open and plunged his tongue inside. I felt perfect for the first time in months; I felt complete.

When we finally broke apart, he eased me back on to my own two feet, grinning like a little kid on Christmas morning.

"God am I glad you're here," I said.

"I could tell," Derek laughed.

"Shut up!" I laughed. "You were just as happy to see me."

"Of course I am, the phone calls and webcam do not do you justice," he said, smiling appreciatively as his gaze travelled up and down my body.

"Seriously?" I exclaimed, raising my eyebrows. "Ogling me in a public place!"

"Well, yeah," Derek said, as if it were obvious. "This is the first time we've been in the same place for ten months, and I'm going to enjoy it."

I felt myself blush at his words, and decided to change the subject. "Are you tired? Hungry? What time is it to you?"

He chuckled at my questions. "It's good to know you haven't gotten rid of the rambling. I am tired, but I think it has more to do with the fact that I've spent all day on airplanes rather than the actual time. And I could eat, I ate in Boston when waiting for my flight, but they only serve peanuts and stuff on domestic flights. Umm, I'm not sure what time my biological clock thinks it is. I left London at ten thirty, and it's about a seven hour flight, so when I landed in Boston my body thought it was five thirty, and then I had to wait an hour for my connection, plus a another five hour flight puts me at about eleven thirty, though it's really three thirty in the morning in the UK."

"Oh!" I gasped. "You must be so tired. You don't have to eat, or talk to me, or anything, if you don't want to. We can do that stuff tomorrow; you should sleep."

"Mer," he interrupted. "It's fine, really. I want to eat because I'm really hungry, and I would really like to talk to you and spend time with you. My body is tired and stiff, but I'm not that tired that I can't spend some time with you."

I smiled at his words, despite the fact that he did look really tired. "All right," I conceded, grabbing his hand and lacing his fingers in mine. "Let's go."

**XXXXXX**

When we reached my car, we loaded Derek's stuff in the backseat, and he collapsed against the passenger's seat. After I started the car, he pulled at my right hand, holding it tightly. I glanced at him and smiled, keeping my hand firmly encased in his as we drove away from the airport, both of us much happier than we were the last time we left an airport.

"So," Derek finally said, breaking the silence. "Where are we eating?"

"Well, I picked up some chicken parm from a take-out place near my house, and all I have to do is stick it in the oven for like two minutes and it will be ready to eat. I don't even think I could screw it up." I ended with a giggle, and he laughed with me for a moment before going quiet again, his face contemplative.

"So, over dinner do you think you could recommend some decent hotels? I've never been to Seattle before," Derek said slowly, as if he was testing something.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, genuinely confused.

"Well, the hospital paid for the conference and airfare, but they didn't cover the hotel costs, so I need to find a Best Western or Budget Inn or someth-"

"Derek, you're staying with me," I cut him off, my voice filled with resolution. I thought we had talked about it, but maybe we hadn't. Maybe I just assumed he would stay with me, and he really didn't want to. Crap, what did I do…

"Really?" was his only response, looking at me, his face unreadable.

"Well, I kind of thought…actually I assumed… and hoped, that you would be, uh, staying with me. But you don't have to if you don't want to, or you think it'll be weird, or-"

"Meredith!" Derek said as he squeezed my hand, apparently it was now his turn to interrupt me. "Of course I'll stay with you, and I really want to. I just didn't want to assume anything, and I didn't want to force myself on you."

"Derek, you flew almost half way around the world, and we're in the same city, of course you were going to stay with me," I sighed, gently squeezing his hand back as he pulled our entwined fingers towards his mouth, gently kissing my palm.

"Well, I'm glad that's settled," he said.

"Yeah," I agreed quietly, the grin still slathered across my face. "Me too."

**XXXXXX**

"Dinner was good," Derek mumbled into my neck as he wrapped his arms around my waist.

"Dinner was excellent," I agreed, scooting farther back into Derek's lap as I leaned my head against his shoulder.

If anyone were to see us, we probably looked pretty ridiculous. Derek insisted that being across the table, or even next to me, was too far away, and as I had placed our plates on to the kitchen table, he pulled me into his lap, where I ended up eating my dinner. We had never really been all touchy feely when we were in London, at least not until the very end, but we were becoming more so now. I blame it on the distance. Ten months is a long time to go without touching and cuddling and being close to the person we love.

And I still love Derek, even if he doesn't know it. That's something we should probably talk about at some point, or else, what the heck are we doing?

Derek yawned loudly into my neck, tickling me as he did so.

"Tired?" I asked softly as I craned my neck around to look at him.

"Mhmm," he answered, his eyelids drooping.

"Do you want to go to bed," I said, shifting so that I could get up when he wanted me to.

"Yes, but on two conditions," he said, opening his eyes all the way and looking very serious.

"Okay," I said slowly, waiting for him to speak.

"One, we sleep in the same bed. And two, you and I have sex tomorrow."

I snorted, trying to hold back a laugh. "Why is point two so important?"

"Because I haven't had sex with you in so long, and I want to really badly, but I'm just so tired," he looked sad, like I was depriving him of something he really wanted.

Rather than respond to his sadness, I kissed him softly. "I promise you'll get sex tomorrow, but let's go to bed now." I pulled him up off of the chair and led him up the stairs to my room, which was at the very end of the hall. I pointed him to the master bathroom so he could brush his teeth and such, and we got ready for bed.

As I left the bathroom, Derek was sprawled on my bed, lying on his back under the covers. I crossed the room to my side, changing quickly into a tank top and shorts before crawling into bed with him.

Like magnets, we moved towards each other at the same time, meeting in the middle of the bed. He wrapped his arms around me as I rested my head against his shoulder, as if he was my own personal pillow. I placed my hand on his bare chest, stroking it lightly, like I used to do every night in London before we would go to sleep. And like he used to, he kissed the top of my head, inhaling deeply into my hair.

"I forgot how nice this was," Derek admitted quietly into my hair.

"Hmm, me too. This is perfect," I replied, referring to the feeling of being in his arms.

"Night Mer," he whispered into the darkness.

"Good night Derek," I said just softly. And in those moments, I felt safe. All of my doubts and questions about what Derek and I were doing vanished, because while I was in his arms, none of it mattered.

_Oh, I'm not sure where this is gonna go,  
But in this moment all I know  
Is the skyline, through the window,  
The moon above you and the streets below. (Baby, don't let go)  
Hold my breath as you're moving in,  
Taste your lips and feel your skin.  
When the time comes, baby don't run, just kiss me slowly_


	15. Your Smiling Face

_**A/N: Thanks so much for the awesome reviews! It means a lot to me and I hope you like this chapter. I'm really sorry it took me a while to post, but I've been really busy, as I'm sure you all understand. **_

**Chapter 15: Your Smiling Face**

_Whenever I see your smiling face, I have to smile myself because I love you, yes, I do.  
And when you give me that pretty little pout, it turns me inside out.  
There's something about you, baby, I don't know._

_Isn't it amazing a man like me can feel this way,_  
_tell me how much longer, it could grow stronger every day. Oh, how much longer?_

I woke up slowly the next morning; taking the day off let me wake up when I was refreshed and ready rather than when an alarm jarred me awake. Derek's arms were wrapped around me, his chest pressed against my back, keeping me in place as I drifted into consciousness with a smile on my face. I had gotten a really good night's sleep, and Derek was here, really really here. Life couldn't get much better.

Slowly but surely, I managed to turn myself over while remaining in Derek's arms. He looked adorable when he slept. His hair was sticking out all over the place, curling as it did. He looked peaceful, a hint of a smile on his lips, and I knew he was just as happy to be here as I was.

However, I couldn't help to think back to Cristina's words. Sure, I had only known Derek for two months, but it wasn't weird that I cared about him. But then again, we were never actually ever _in _a relationship, and we never talked about it. We had just met that night at the club, and had been hanging around each other ever since. Sure, we had done plenty of couply things, the kissing, the sex, the trip to Venice, not to mention the secret "I love you's" that were never actually said face to face. But, we had never talked about us, never defined ourselves as a couple or dating, yet I was so attached to him that I admitted that I had fallen in love with him. Maybe that was a bit weird.

All of my thoughts on the subject left my mind immediately as Derek shifted, gripping me tighter and pulling me flush against him. I continued to lay there for a few moments, content with watching him sleep, until he shifted again, and his eyes slowly fluttered open.

"Mhmm," he moaned deeply, a sleepy smile crossing his face. "Wasn't a dream," he slurred out as he shifted closer to me and buried his face in my shoulder. My hands shifted, drawing random patterns up and down his back.

"Are you awake, or do you want to sleep a little more?" I asked quietly, in case he had fallen back to sleep.

"No more sleeping," he said, his lips brushing against my clavicle. "Sex."

I snorted. "That's the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? Seriously."

"When I'm lying next to you, absolutely," he said, sounding more awake as he trailed his lips up my neck. "Especially after a year."

"Fine, I'll give you that," I giggled a little. "I would be lying if I haven't thought about this before."

"I'm glad," Derek said, now hovering over me, a knowing smile on his face. "Now, we've been in the same place for-" he glanced quickly at the clock, noting that it was now ten in the morning. "About fifteen hours, and we haven't had even a little bit of reunion sex. That needs to change."

"Derek," I groaned with exasperation. "I have things planned for today."

"Me too," he smiled wickedly. "Lots and lots of planned. And you're naked in almost all of them. What about yours?"

"Derek seriously. I want to do something with you today, you know, going out into the world and spending time with you. I want to show you Seattle. So please, what do you want to do that involves clothes?"

He pouted a little, but he also seemed to be thinking, so I knew that I had won. After a minute, he answered. "I want to go on a hike."

"A hike?" I repeated incredulously. "Seriously?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "I like nature, and I've never been to this part of the U.S . before, and I want to explore a little."

"Okay," I responded, reaching for my phone. "Let me look up some places nearby." After browsing for five minutes, I thought I found the perfect place. "We could go to Bainbridge Island. We'd have to take a ferry, but I guess they have plenty of paths and trails."

"Sounds good," Derek said, rolling off of me and slipping out of bed. "When's the next ferry?"

"It leaves every hour. If we get ready fast, we can probably make the eleven o'clock one," I said, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed and moving towards my closet.

_I thought I was in love a couple of times before with the girl next door,  
but that was long before I met you, now I'm sure that I won't forget you.  
And I thank my lucky stars that you are who you are,  
and not just another lovely lady set out to break my heart._

_No one can tell me that I'm doing wrong today, whenever I see you smile at me.  
No one can tell me that I'm doing wrong today whenever I see your smiling face my way.  
No one can tell me that I'm doing it wrong today._

My stomach pressed against the railing of the ferry, my hands gripping tightly as I got used to the rocking of the boat. I haven't been on a ferry in years, but the discomfort was worth it to see Derek smile. He stood behind me, his chest resting against my back, and his arms trapping me close to him as the rested on the rail, one arm on either side of my body. I inhaled deeply, relishing in the salt air as I tilted my head backwards to look up at Derek.

He was practically glowing with happiness. I had never seen anyone look as happy about anything as mundane as commuting, but he seemed to be really enjoying it. He glanced down at me, sensing me watching him, and his grin grew wider as he leaned down and pressed his lips against my hairline.

"So," I began. "You're enjoying the ferryboats?"

"Oh yes," he murmured, his voice coming out in a sigh. "Reminds me of home, in New York. There was a ferry from Staten Island to Manhattan, and I used to love to ride it."

"Hmm," I replied, enjoying insights into the life of Derek Shepherd, and who he was before he moved to London.

"You know, it's not only ferryboats I have a thing for," he said softly

"Really?" I ask, looking up at him.

"Well, yes," he smiled, kissing my lips quickly. "I also have a thing for you."

I felt myself blush under his gaze, and quickly looked down. "Really?" This time, my question came out choked.

"Yes, and it's very intense," Derek responded, suddenly pressing himself against me and ducking down to cover my lips with his own. When we pulled apart, he wrapped his arms around my waist, and we stared out over Eliot Bay, enjoying the view.

* * *

Two hours later, we had hiked through some trails on Bainbridge Island, ending up in a field which dropped off onto a cliff.

"I guess we can't go any farther," I said, slowing to a stop. "Let's just have a picnic here."

"Nah, come on," Derek grinned, leading me closer to the edge. "I want to see what it overlooks."

We walked to the edge, and I was struck by the most breathtaking view. We looked down over Seattle, and everything seemed so tiny and minuscule.

"Wow Derek!" I gasped.

"Wow is right," he said from next to me.

"This place must look amazing at night, looking down at Seattle," I mused.

"Yeah," Derek agreed, before stepping back and once again looking around the field, studying it. "You know," he said slowly, pausing for a minute in concentration. "This is kind of where I see myself in ten years. Surrounded by nature, a big old house in the woods. With a family of course; kids, and a-" he paused again. "A wife."

I felt my stomach tighten at his words. A big house, a family, everything anyone would want in life; everything I would want in a life with Derek. But, I'm not sure what he sees in ten years. Does he see me in his future? Does he even want me there, or would he prefer some model trophy wife, someone who would want to stay home with his children rather than have a career?

I pusedh back all of my deep scary questions, and offered him my best smile. "It sounds perfect." I stated.

His smile grew wider as he stared at me, studying me like he did the field moments ago. "Perfect," he nodded his head. He reached for my hands once more. "Come on, let's eat."

* * *

Derek was very flirty on the way home from Bainbridge. As we finished our lunch, he quickly told me it was time to go, and made us practically run back to the ferry. As we sat inside in the waiting area, found a seat in a corner booth and he pulled me into his lap, where I was stuck for the rest of the ride.

"Derek," I groaned, squirming to get away from him as his mouth rand down my jaw.

"What?" he asked playfully as he gripped my waist tighter, preventing any movement.

"Stop!" I hissed.

He looked up at me, confused. "Why would I do that?"

"Because we're in public," I snapped, not so quietly that time.

A wicked grin stretched across his mouth. "So?" he whispered, his mouth close to my ear. "I haven't had sex in almost a year, and I want you. Badly."

"I can't believe that you didn't have sex for almost an entire year," I muttered.

Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say, because Derek stopped his tongue's exploration of my neck and jaw to look up at me. His eyes were filled with hurt and fear, with just a touch of anger.

"Why wouldn't you believe that?" he asked shortly.

I blanched, not really expecting him to be so offended. I never meant anything by it…

"Well, it's just… I-I mean-" I tried to stutter out a response, but I'm cut off.

"Did you sleep with anyone this year?" he accused, his voice now filled with anger.

"What? No!" I insisted, my voice filled with disbelief.

"Then why wouldn't you believe me?" Derek asked, his voice menacingly quiet, as if he's trying to prevent himself from yelling. "You can tell me if you did, I would understand." But his facial expression tells me that he definitely would not be understanding at all.

"I haven't Derek, I promise," I stated, trying to sound calm. "But I wouldn't be surprised if you had. Not that you sleep around or anything, but you are really attractive. Like almost ridiculously good looking, so I'm sure you had opportunities with really pretty girls, and I wouldn't blame you-" Once again, I was cut off, but this time to his lips pressing against mine, cutting away at all of my defenses and guilt as my mind went blank with joy. I reached out, pulling my fingers through his hair as once again he held my waist tightly.

When he pulled away, he looked at me solemnly, still panting. "Meredith," he whispered, my name like a prayer on his lips. "You are so, so very beautiful, so don't you dare think for a second that I would find someone prettier than you. And I really haven't had sex in a year. The only person I wanted to sleep with was six thousand miles away, and I had no interest in anyone else."

I gave him a small smile, feeling hopeful once again. "Okay," I said, kissing him again. We are pulled apart by the loud horn of the ferryboat, and Derek smiled at me again as he positioned me to stand in front of him.

"Alright," he said as he stood up. "We're almost in Seattle, which means it is almost time for me to get you into bed."

* * *

I ran up the stair screeching, thrilled to find my house deserted of Izzie and my friends. Derek followed close behind, trying to grab my pants as he does. Finally, he caught me as I reached the landing, scooping me into his arms and moving down the hall to my bedroom. When the door is shut, he pushed me against it, kissing me hard as he tries to pull my shirt off of me. We pulled apart for a moment so he could do it, and my bra soon followed my shirt on the floor. I ground my hips against his, causing him to groan in pleasure.

"God Meredith," Derek gasped. "You have no idea how long I missed this."

"Same," I moaned as his mouth moved towards my breasts, and with a thrust of my hips, he stumbled to my bed, where we spent the rest of the day.


	16. Shark in the Water

_**A/N: I'm so sorry it's been so long! I feel terrible, but I want you all to know I have not abandoned this story. I've just been insanely busy, and I haven't really had a moment to sit down and write. I like to keep my updates banked in case I do have a busy week or two, but I've had a busy summer, so I kept posting until I only had two banked updates left (this one and the next one), and I didn't want to post until I had written more. I've only written another chapter and a half, but I feel as though I've left this story alone too long and need to post.**_

_**I am not particularly happy with this chapter, and I wasn't really happy with it when I wrote it; it didn't do what I wanted it to. Meredith is going to sound needy and whiny in this chapter, and she is supposed to be, but only a little bit. Just remember: She is in love with a guy for really, the first time in her life (Finn wasn't really love), and she isn't really sure how to handle it. Plus that guy lives almost halfway around the world, which makes it that much more difficult. And Derek didn't really come to see her, remember, he is here for a conference, and Mer knows it, but it doesn't mean she can't be upset. Please leave reviews and let me know what you think, just please, don't have them be too mean. They can be constructive criticism, but I've found that on other's stories, anonymous users are really being terrible and tearing into the writer. So please, remember that the writer has feelings too, and if you have an opinion, try to voice it in a less harsh way.**_

_**Anyway, my summer is coming to an end, which will actually give me more time to write, and hopefully not leave three and a half weeks between posts. Happy reading! **_

**Chapter 16: Shark In The Water**

_Sometimes I get my head in a dilly  
Feeling so lost, ticking you off  
Now boy, you know me well  
Said, I'm that kind of feeling  
That kind of soft, that kind of silly  
But when I'm in doubt, I open my mouth  
And words come out, words come out like_

_Baby, there's a shark in the water_  
_There's something underneath my bed_  
_Oh, please believe I said_  
_Baby, there's a shark in the water_  
_I caught them barking at the moon_  
_Better be soon_

Five days later, I woke up alone. I rolled over, expecting to see Derek beside me, but the other side of the bed was empty. Weird. Since he had arrived in Seattle, we pretty much stayed on the same schedules, waking up at the same time and going to bed together. I stretched my arm out, gingerly touching his pillow. It was cold, meaning that he had been up for some time, and may have already left. My heart sank at the thought; I thought he at least would have woken me up to say goodbye, not just disappear on me.

As I make my way down the stairs, the smell of coffee invades my nostrils, and I pause outside the kitchen. Derek is sitting there, gathering papers into his leather satchel as he downs a cup of coffee. He doesn't see me at first, so I take the time to study him. He looks good, really good, but also tired, stressed. I wonder what he could be stressed about, until my thoughts come up with a list of possible scenarios.

_He could be stressed about you, he may want to dump you but doesn't know how._

_He may not know how to leave, knowing that he may never see you again._

_He could be having family problems, or-_

"Hey," a voice breaks through my panicking, and I literally jump at the noise. Derek looks at me for a moment, his face twisted in confusion, before he looks back down at whatever papers he is organizing.

"Hi," I reply quietly, unsure of what to say.

"I didn't expect you to be awake when I left," Derek says absently, not looking at me as I enter the kitchen.

"You were leaving?" I ask, trying to hide the hurt in my voice. It sounds incredibly selfish of me, but I wanted to spend as much time as I can with him; it's been so long since we'd been together in London, and I want to monopolize on our time together before he leaves again and my heart breaks into a million pieces.

"Yeah, the Chief of Surgery at my hospital called yesterday making sure I was taking full advantages of the medical conference. I guess a former colleague told him that he didn't see me around too much," Derek said, his voice clipped.

"Oh, so you have to go to Washington State two hours early?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

"There's a breakfast that I have to go to," Derek snapped, and I flinched. He sighed deeply before speaking again. "It will be a good place for me to network and meet some pretty renowned neurosurgeons, and it would be a really stupid move if I didn't go."

"I know, I'm sorry," I say quietly. "It's just that you're leaving in four days, and I-I just forget sometimes forget you aren't on vacation, that you actually have to work."

Derek took a step closer to me, his eyes soft. "Believe me, I would rather spend all my time with you, but I'll have to give a presentation when I get back to London, so I need to actually be present. I promise I'll be home tonight so we can go out to dinner or something, alright?"

"Yeah," I reply, smiling as I lean up to kiss him. "Have fun at your breakfast."

"Thanks, see you soon," he smiled, kissing me once more before leaving the kitchen.

_High in the sky, the song that I'm singing  
A sweet little lie, I cry wolf, cry  
Rabbit out of the hat, yes, so that's why I'm bringing  
Some tricks up my sleeve, for noticing me  
It wouldn't cause you any harm, I just want you in my arms  
I can't help, I can't help myself_

_Baby, there's a shark in the water_  
_There's something underneath my bed_  
_Oh, please believe I said_  
_Baby, there's a shark in the water_  
_I caught them barking at the moon_  
_Better be soon_

"Hey Mer," Izzie said cheerfully, dropping her tray on the cafeteria table and sitting to my left. Cristina followed, sitting down across from me.

"Hey," I muttered in greeting, dropping my eyes back down to the table. However, neither Izzie nor Cristina started speaking, so I glanced up, finding that they were both staring at me, eyebrows raised.

"What?" I ask, a hint of annoyance in my voice.

"Nothing," they both answered in unison, looking at each other. Finally, Izzie cleared her throat.

"It's just that- you look a little upset," she said hesitantly. "Is everything all right?"

"Fine," I answer shortly.

"Are you sure?" Izzie pressed. "How's everything with Derek?"

I felt my cheeks flame red and my eyes narrow, and Cristina slammed her fist down on the table with victory. "See! I knew it was about Derek."

"Shut up!" I hissed.

"What's wrong with Derek?" Izzie asked, her voice sympathetic.

"Nothing's wrong with Derek." I roll my eyes. "He just had to go to the conference early this morning, and we both have been pretty busy over the past few days. I don't know, but I was just hoping we would be able to spend some more time together before he leaves, you know?"

Izzie nodded, frowning in agreement, while Cristina just looked curious.

"So are you guys finally going to end this thing when he leaves?" Cristina asked.

"Cristina!" Izzie snapped, reaching out to hit Cristina for her comment.

"What?" Cristina exclaimed, rubbing her arm and scowling at Izzie.

"What do you mean _'end this thing'_?" I ask, avoiding the punch in my gut I felt when thinking about Derek leaving.

"Well, you don't expect this long distance fling between the two of you to go on forever do you?" Cristina said as if the answer was obvious.

"Umm, I-I don't know," I muttered, not entirely sure what I was supposed to say.

"When do you plan on seeing him again after he leaves?" Cristina pressed, unrelenting.

"Well, I-I was thinking of going to London to see him in July. You know, after the Intern Exam. When we have two weeks off," I managed, and Cristina raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"You're going to go see him?" she said with disbelief. However, her shocked nature was fleeting, and she soon looked impassive once again. "And how about after that? When do you think you two will see each other after that?"

"I don't know!" I snapped, sounding angrier and louder than I anticipated. "Okay, I don't know! Why does it matter? It's my life, my problem, so why do you care?"

"I care because you're my person!" Cristina responded just as angrily. "And because I was there for the week after we came home when you couldn't stop crying and could barely pack your things because all you could think about was how much you missed Derek. And I've been here this entire year while you've been making yourself miserable pining after a guy on another continent, and I really don't want to see that happen again. It's not healthy Meredith."

Our table was quiet for a moment as I processed her words. Sure, I had been sad after leaving Derek, but had I really been that upset? And would I go through it all over again when he left in four days?

"Look Mer," Cristina continued, her voice quieter and more concerned. "I have nothing against Derek. You love him and he makes you all warm and gooey, and I know he cares a lot about you too, but I don't want to see you get hurt again. And I think if the two of you keep this up, you will definitely get hurt. Think about it Mer, you should be happy, not sad and weepy all the time."

I was stunned into silence. "Izzie?" I turned to my left, my voice pleading. "Am I really acting crazy?"

I hoped Izzie would agree with me, that she wouldn't find this whole thing ridiculous. I mean, she is a big happily ever after person. But as her eyes widened and she kept shifting her eyes, my hopes sank, she was going to agree with Cristina.

"Mer, I think you guys are perfect together, really I do. But you were in a severe depression when we left London, and I don't think that you should put yourself through that again. I mean, maybe you guys can stay friends, but the relationship is a little intense. And it may never develop any further, so you have to think about whether or not it's really worth it."

My subconscious immediately thought that of course it was worth it, that Derek was worth it. My phoned beeped as I opened my mouth to speak, and I glanced down at my new text from Derek.

_Hey, I'm sorry, but I just got roped in to dinner with my chief's old colleagues. I could be out late, sorry! X_

I don't know if it was stress, or exhaustion, or whether the actual reality of our relationship finally hit me, but I felt my cheeks heat and tears filled my eyes. I glanced up at my friends, who were staring at me intensely.

"What's wrong?" Izzie asked.

"It's just Derek," I said, struggling to keep my voice calm. "He left for his conference early this morning, and promised to be back for dinner. Which he just texted me about; he's blowing me off for some doctors at the conference."

"Well what do you expect? He came to Seattle for a neurosurgery conference, not you. You were just an added bonus." Cristina said straightforwardly. As usual, she was callous, but she also made sense.

"See Mer, this is why I don't think that this is a healthy relationship. If you're this upset over missing a meal together, how are you going to feel when you guys are apart indefinitely? I think you should really think about what you want, the situation at hand, and what you deserve. Because I think you deserve to be happy, but I'm not sure if Derek fits into that equation right now," Izzie said as kindly as she could.

"Yeah," I said, sniffling slightly. "I'll have to do a lot of thinking."

Which I could definitely do while by myself tonight.

_Right is right_  
_Rules are rules_  
_This is more like April Fool's_  
_I'm just winding you up, oh_  
_Jack be nimble, Jack be quick_  
_Please don't make too much of it_  
_It ain't that serious_


	17. The Last Goodbye

_**A/N: I'm so so sorry for the lack of updates, but my school year has actually been much busier than I expected. However, I am devoting all day tomorrow to writing this story, so if you guys are still interested, I'll post an update on Tuesday or Wednesday. I hope you guys are still out there and you still care!**_

**Chapter 17: The Last Goodbye**

_I didn't want to lose you  
Leave you with a broken heart  
But wherever we are, we're miles apart  
I know that we tried, but this is the last goodbye  
Oh, I didn't want to let you go  
But wherever we are, we're miles apart  
I know that we tried, but this is the last goodbye_

It was a rainy, foggy day this morning in Seattle. Which is definitely the norm for late spring in Washington, where rain and clouds greatly outnumber the sunny days. However, the weather perfectly matches my mood, causing me to become even more depressed as the ride continued.

Just like last year, our car ride to the airport was done in silence. Derek was sitting silently in the passenger's seat, not touching me, and I could practically feel the apprehension and confusion radiating off of him. Just like I'm sure he could sense my nervousness. I didn't like this, but it had to be done.

"Hey," Derek said softly, pulling me out of my miserable thoughts. Thank God he did, or I would have rammed into the back of an SUV. I slammed on my breaks, barely screeching to a halt in time. I looked straight ahead, breathing deeply in order to regain my composure.

"Are you alright Mer?" he asked gently, reaching for my hand. I let him take it, but held it stiffly, preventing him from threading our fingers together.

"Fine. I'm fine, or whatever," I said quickly. I felt Derek pull at my hand, and glanced over just as he pressed a kiss to my palm. I jerked my hand back immediately like I had been burnt, and Derek looked hurt and offended.

"Okay," he said slowly as the light turned green, causing me to look back at the road and continue our drive in silence.

_We were almost beautiful  
A broken piece of art put on display  
But we were never possible  
Another perfect moment thrown away  
I know somebody out there will love you  
They'll be the forever we never were  
Cause we were everything that's right at the wrong time_

SeaTac, or the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport, was pretty empty this morning, which meant that Derek reached the front of the check-in line in mere minutes. I hung back, waiting for him to check his luggage and grab his ticket, steeling myself for what I was about to do, unsure as to how it would go. Well, I knew this wasn't going to go _well_, but I want to limit hurt feelings, both for him and myself.

"Meredith," Derek called, moving away from the counter and towards me, where I'm waiting off to the side.

"Hmm?" Is all I can manage, unable to look up at him.

"Did you want to go get one of those tickets so we can hang out at the gate?" Derek asked, seeming a little unsure.

I take a deep breath, and finally, I look at him. He's smiling at me, but his eyes are once again filled with concern and confusion, just as they were in the car.

"I don't think I can," I whispered, my lower lip trembling as I spoke.

"Sure you can," Derek urged. "They did it at Heathrow, so they definitely will do it here. As long as we explain the situation to them-"

"No," I snapped, cutting Derek off. "I can't."

"Why not?" he challenged, his voice just as angry. His brow furrowed, and his eyes narrowed, and I knew he was annoyed. Not angry yet, but annoyed, and probably a little hurt.

"It's not a good idea. I just can't do this anymore," I mutter.

His anger instantly melts to fear as he processes my words. "Can't do what anymore?" he asks, his voice resigned. He already knows the answer, but he wants me to say it.

"Us. Whatever you and I are doing," I begin, gesturing in the space between the two of us to emphasize my point.

"What do you mean 'whatever you and I are doing'?" Derek demanded, using air quotes. "What do you think this is?"

"I don't know!" I exclaimed, then quickly lowered my voice as I remembered we were in a very public place. Looking at Derek, at his hurt and fearful expression, I almost lost my nerve. I wanted nothing more than to smile at him, tell him I was just kidding, and laugh with him. But I couldn't; I deserved to be happy, and though Derek makes me extremely happy, being in Seattle without him is miserable. And I had to try and make myself happy and Seattle.

"Derek, I really care about you, I promise you I do. And I am so glad that I met you, but we need to be realistic. You basically made an international booty call this week," I worked to keep my voice steady, and I think it was convincing, despite how untrue the statement actually was.

"I did not!" Derek insisted, his face, looking more hurt and desperate than before. "Meredith, what are you saying?"

I avoided the question. "When am I ever going to see you again after today?" I asked instead.

"I-I thought you were going to come to London after your intern exam?" Derek says slowly.

"And if I do, what will happen? We'll spend two weeks together, have some fun, and then I'll be gone again, not knowing if I'll ever see you again. I can't take the pain every time you leave or each time we hang up or stop video chatting, I can't. I think we need to end this."

"No, Meredith!" Derek gasped, taking a step closer to me, placing his hands around my cheeks, cupping my face and angling it up so he could look me in the eye. "Please don't."

"Derek, I want to be happy, and I want you to be happy. And I'm always so happy when I'm with you. But this past year, though I haven't been unhappy, I haven't been _happy _either. And I want to be happy all of the time. And I don't think that's going to happen if we keep doing what we're doing."

"But Mer," he pleaded, pausing before continuing. "Please, I lo-"

"Derek, don't," I interrupted him, tears beginning to fill my eyes. "I just can't. It's not fair to you, and it isn't fair to me. I don't want to be hung up on a guy that's halfway around the world. I want to be happy in Seattle. I _need _to be happy in Seattle."

He looked utterly devastated, exactly how I felt. He studied my face, probably looking for some type of hope, something that would tell him that I didn't really mean it. And a part of me didn't. I didn't want to lose Derek, I was still very much in love with him. But I couldn't do the back and forth anymore. If things were different, and I lived in London or he lived in Seattle, then I would be all for making this work. But we aren't, and I didn't want a long distance relationship.

Finally, Derek gave a nod of defeat, letting go of my face and stepping away from me. "I hope you find happiness in Seattle," he whispered, turning to grab his carry on. Looking over his shoulder, he managed to give me one last long, sad look. "Goodbye Meredith."

"Bye Derek," I choked out, quickly turning and fleeing the airport. As pathetic as it sounds, I couldn't stand there and watch him walk away from me, knowing it would probably be the last time that I would see him, especially after how badly I had just hurt him.

I made it to the exit before I started crying, practically running to my car. When I was finally safe inside, I let the sobs come, and felt the heartbreak. I know that I ended things with Derek, but that didn't mean that it didn't kill me inside. I had to do what I thought was best, and though it hurt, I needed to try to live without Derek Shepherd, and I needed to be happy in Seattle. But, as I started my car, I started to doubt my decision, wondering if I had really done the right thing.

_If you hear this on the radio  
Then we've already said our last goodbye, our last goodbye  
I didn't want to lose you  
Leave you with a broken heart  
But wherever we are, we're miles apart  
I know that we tried, but_

_This is the last goodbye_

_**A/N 2: I know, I broke them up. And it's terrible. But I promised you in the beginning, they may not always be together, but they will always end up together. Trust me, I think I have some good things planned.**_


	18. Set Fire to the Third Bar

_**A/N: Hey, I'm updating when I said I would! I loved all of your comments, thank you so much for sticking with me, and enjoy the update!**_

**Chapter 18: Set Fire to the Third Bar**

_I find the map and draw a straight line  
Over rivers, farms, and state lines  
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be  
It's only finger-lengths that I see  
I touch the place where I'd find your face  
My fingers in creases of distant dark places_

_I hang my coat up in the first bar_  
_There is no peace that I've found so far_  
_The laughter penetrates my silence_  
_As drunken men find flaws in science_

I had made a mistake. I knew it from the moment I had run away from Derek at the airport. I don't know what I had expected, maybe a phone call or an email to let me know he got back to London safely, or at least something to let me know that he was alive. And when he had called or emailed, I would have apologized profusely, and told him I didn't mean it. That I loved him, and I still wanted him, no matter how messed up or unhealthy our relationship may seem. But I didn't. There were no emails, no phone calls, no nothing. It had been weeks, and I missed him.

So now I had to fix things.

"Good morning passengers," a British accent fluttered over the crackling speakers. "We will be beginning our descent into London shortly. The time is currently seven thirty in the morning, with overcast skies. Please return to your seats and fasten your seatbelts, and enjoy your stay in London."

I could barely sit still for the landing. I had a set plan in motion. Grab my carry on, exit the plane as quickly as humanly possible, and head straight for immigration. Then, since I didn't bring a suitcase, I would hail a taxi and head straight for Derek's apartment. If he wasn't there, I would go to the hospital. He wouldn't be anywhere else this early in the morning, and this plan was fool proof, really.

It took almost no time at all to exit the plan, and every teller at immigration was open, so I sailed right through. I grabbed my luggage, hailed a cab, and made my way to Derek's apartment.

About a half an hour later, I was standing in front of Derek's townhouse, my stomach filled with butterflies. I took a deep breath, pasting a smile on my face as I moved towards the door. _I have to do this, _I thought as I rang the doorbell. I loved Derek, and I had made a mistake by letting him go.

I heard movement on the other side of the door after ringing the doorbell, and I plastered a smile onto my face as the door slowly opened. I hadn't seen or heard from Derek in over two months, and now I was getting my chance. I was going to get my happily ever after.

My smile grew wider as he stood before me. He looked just as good as I remembered, maybe even better. He was shirtless, and I couldn't help but let my gaze drift over his muscular chest. His hair was disheveled and crazy, as if he had just woken up. Finally, I looked at his face. His mouth was gaping open, his blue eyes wide with surprise, and my grin widened. _I definitely surprised him_, I thought to myself.

I waited for my presence on his front stoop to register in his brain. Waited for his shocked expression to morph into one of surprise, and then to happiness as he asked me what I was doing here. I waited so I could tell him that I loved him, and then he would take me into his arms and never let me go again.

And I kept on waiting.

Derek never smiled at me; he just kept staring at me. Finally, his expression became reserved, almost pained even, as he finally spoke.

"Meredith," he began, his voice soft, my name becoming choked on his lips. "What are you doing here?"

My smile faltered a little at his pained tone, but I had to keep going, and began reciting the speech I'd been practicing since I stepped on the plane. "I'm here to see you. I am so, so sorry Derek. I made the biggest mistake of my life letting you go in Seattle, and I miss you so much. I don't care if you're halfway across the world, or if I don't see you as often as I want to, but I do want to be with you. I love you Derek, and I'm so sorry for hurting you. Please, give me another chance."

Derek still didn't say anything. He just kept looking at me, his expression pained. Finally, he looked over his shoulder. It was just a glance, but I followed his gaze anyway. I couldn't see very far into his place, but what I managed to see a flash of red hair behind him before it disappeared. A flash of _long _red hair.

"You- you're wi- you're with a girl?" I stuttered out, feeling my face turn pink at the realization.

All Derek did was shrug in response. "You ended things and said you had to move on, so I moved on too," he said without emotion.

"Oh," I whispered, it was all I could force myself to say.

"Mer," Derek said gently. "_You _ended things. And I have to be happy in London, just like you said you needed to be happy in Seattle. I'm sorry, I really am. But, I have to get back inside."

All I could do was nod, and as he moved to close the door, I heard a ringing sound. I thought my heart was breaking even more than it already was as my eyes filled with tears. As Derek shut the door and left me out on his stoop, the ringing stopped, but my subconscious began to berate me.

"Meredith," it scolded as I cried, wishing I could take everything back. "Meredith, Meredith-"

"MEREDITH!" Izzie's voice rang through as I twitched, my eyes snapping open. I looked around wildly; I was in my room, in Seattle, with Izzie hovering over me, her expression pinched and annoyed.

"What!" I said, meaning to sound annoyed, but instead, my voice was shaky as I fought off a sudden wave of nausea.

"Will you _please _answer your phone? Cristina's been calling for like half an hour, and she just called me to wake you up for when she calls in five minutes. And I was on call last night, so I really just want to sleep all day."

"Sorry," I muttered, my stomach churning. "Why is she calling? Isn't she working?"

"Yeah, she's at the hospital. Knowing Cristina, she's going to try to make you come in too."

"No," I groaned. "Today is my day off, I can't go in today."

"Well, tell her that," Izzie said, laughing a little as the phone began to ring. "That's probably her right now, good luck."

"Thanks," I said as I grabbed my cell. "Hello?"

"Oh good, you're finally awake," Cristina said without a greeting.

"Yes, I am," I said slowly, drawing out my words.

"Good, now you can come to the hospital and help me study for the intern exam," Cristina said, sounding pleased.

"Cristina," I moaned, my stomach rolling. "I can't come in today, I have the day off."

"So what? Come in and help me study."

"I don't feel well," I half whined, hoping she would drop it.

"Come on Mer, we _need _to study."

"I know that!" I snapped.

"So then why don't you just come in? You'd be studying at home, and I'll be studying at work. We might as well just do it together."

I had to admit, Cristina was being pretty rational. "Fine," I muttered. "I'll be in after my urge to vomit decreases."

"Oh and take something for that," Cristina replied, sounding distracted. "I don't want you to get me sick."

With that, she hung up. I sighed deeply, then inhaled the scent of whatever Izzie had made this morning for breakfast. The sugary sweet smell seemed to be too much for my stomach as I ran to the bathroom, my hand clutched over my mouth.

* * *

Two hours, one shower and three stomach emptying trips to the bathroom, and I reached Seattle Grace. My stomach still wasn't agreeing on me, and seemed to be staging a full on revolt within my body. I found Cristina within a few minutes, and I shuffled into the conference room where she was studying.

"Hi," Cristina said, glancing up at me before her eyes widened in shock. "You look like crap," she said before turning back to her flashcards.

"Yeah, I know. Thanks for that," I snapped meanly as I threw my things on the table and collapsed into a chair. "I told you I didn't feel well," I continued dejectedly.

"Well, you're here now, so we might as well start studying." She said, and almost immediately began quizzing me.

The next hour dragged slowly. I had to stop in the middle of answering a question several times to stop myself from being sick, all the while Cristina studied me with raised eyebrows. Finally, a discussion of bloody stool threw me over the edge, and I grabbed the nearest trash barrel and started heaving.

"Holy crap!" Cristina exclaimed, taking a step back. "Are you pregnant?"

I snorted in response, about to say some witty comeback when I suddenly paused. _Was I pregnant? _I tried to think of the last time I had had my period, and was drawing a blank. It would have had to have been before Derek came to visit, which meant that-

"Crap," I swore under my breath before looking up at Cristina, my eyes fearful. "Maybe."

"Maybe?" came Cristina's incredulous tone. "What do you mean maybe?"

"It's been a while since I got my period. I can't remember how long."

"Do you even know who the father is?"

"Of course I do!" I hissed. "It would have to be Derek!"

"Well," Cristina began slowly. "If it was Derek's, you would have to be…" her voice dropped as she tried to do the math.

"Six or seven weeks," I supplied automatically, not even ashamed to admit I knew exactly how long it had been since I had seen Derek.

"Well, you don't even know if you're pregnant. You probably aren't," Cristina said, her tone hopeful. "I mean, you're probably just stressed about the intern exam. Stress can make your cycle all crazy."

"Yeah," I agreed, my voice not even at all convincing.

"Do you want to go find out if you are pregnant?" Cristina asked.

"Yeah," I said again, standing up. "I think I'm going to pick up some pregnancy tests and head home."

Cristina just nodded. "Call me when you found out."

"Okay," I replied dully, gathering my things and leaving the hospital.

_Their words mostly noises  
Ghosts with just voices  
Your words in my memory  
Are like music to me_

_I'm miles from where you are,_  
_I lay down on the cold ground_  
_I, I pray that something picks me up_  
_And sets me down in your warm arms_

I thought about calling Derek the entire way home. I knew that if things were different, he would sit on the phone with me, listening while I freaked out and would comfort me. Then, he would sit there on the phone while I took the test, and, no matter what the result, he would be there for me in any way that he could. Unfortunately, things are very different, and I don't think he would answer if I called him. But I did want to. I needed him so badly right now. My world might be completely turning on its axis, and I want him there beside me, especially since half of the problem would be his fault.

When I pulled in front of my house, I grabbed my purse, and in a moment of weakness, I called Derek Shepherd. I waited anxiously to be connected, the process taking longer because of the distance. I began cursing myself for being so dumb as to call him, but I also got a little hopeful. Maybe a pregnancy scare, or a real pregnancy, would be what brought me back to him, would be what brought us back together.

The phone rang once, twice, and then went straight to voicemail. I hung up as the machine picked up, not bothering to leave a message. This could mean a lot of different things, but my mind boiled it down to two: either his phone was off, or he blocked my number. And I assumed the worst with that he blocked my number. I wouldn't blame him; I broke up with him in an airport for God's sakes, and now karma is biting me in the ass because now I really want and need him with me.

I ran into the house, sprinting up to my room before Izzie could try and talk to me and locked myself in my en suite bathroom. I ripped open three tests and took them at the same time, waiting the desired seven minutes. And when I looked at the tests, I gasped in surprise.

Pregnant.

I was Pregnant. Great. But, at least I had time to prepare, it's not like I was getting a baby right this second. If my calculations were right, I would have seven to seven and a half months to get used to the idea, and by then, I wouldn't be an intern anymore. I would be almost done with my second year of residency. That would mean I would be close to picking a specialization, and less grueling hours at the hospital. Less nights on call and shorter shifts because I wouldn't have to log enough hours in every specialty, just the one that I cared about. It would be easier to be a mother in seven months.

Wait, do I even want this baby?

I pulled out my phone again, this time calling Cristina. She picked up on the second ring.

"What did the tests say?" She asked, not even offering a greeting.

My throat clenched shut for a second. I didn't think I could say it, didn't think I could admit that my worst fears had just come true.

"Pregnant," I choked out, my voice barely audible.

Cristina sighed deeply. "Oh Meredith," Cristina said, her voice coated with sympathy and pity. "Are you going to tell Derek?"

"I-I don't know," I stuttered, my eyes welling with tears.

"What are you going to do?" she asked gently.

"I don't know," I sobbed into the phone, unable to control my tears any longer.

And in that moment, I had no idea what I was going to do.

_After I have travelled so far  
We'd set the fire to the third bar  
We'd share each other like an island  
Until exhausted, close our eyelids  
And dreaming, pick up from  
The last place we left off  
Your soft skin is weeping  
A joy you can't keep in_

_I'm miles from where you are,_  
_I lay down on the cold ground_  
_And I, I pray that something picks me up_  
_and sets me down in your warm arms_

**_A/N 2: I know this is a much overused plot line, but I think I can do something interesting with Mer's pregnancy, which will definitely help bring our favorite couple back together._**


	19. Better than Me

_**A/N: Thank you all so, so much for your wonderful reviews, and even more for your continued interest in the story!**_

_**So, a main question in my last chapter was the opening. Yes, it was a dream. I would have put it in italics, but I wanted to keep you on the edge of your seats in the beginning. Basically, Meredith was dreaming into the future as if it was after her intern exam, but in reality it was three weeks before the test. Don't worry, it was all a dream, I promised you no Addison, so there will be no Addison.**_

_**Anyway, please enjoy this update. I'm not a huge fan of it because I'm not good at writing MerDer apart, and this update was really just meant to show that time is passing and Meredith has been putting some things off. This chapter and the next one will be pretty short, but I promise that it gets good. Let me know what you think!**_

**Chapter 19: Better Than Me**

_I think you can do much better than me  
After all the lies that I made you believe  
Guilt kicks in and I start to see  
The edge of the bed  
Where your nightgown used to be  
I told myself I won't miss you  
But I remember  
What it feels like beside you  
I really miss your hair in my face  
And the way your innocence tastes  
And I think you should know this  
You deserve much better than me_

Like I did every morning, I woke up dreaming about Derek. It had been three weeks since I had found out I was pregnant, and I still hadn't made any decision as to whether or not I would tell Derek, or if I would keep the baby. I had almost called him hundreds of times in the last weeks, but I put the phone down each time before it rang. I had to make a decision soon, I know I did. And Derek should be a part of that decision, he had to be. It was his baby and he needed to know. However, my exam made me push making my decision back and back, though it got more and more important that I figured out what I was going to do. But I couldn't make it today. Today was exam day, and I had to pass my intern exam. Tomorrow morning we would get our scores, and I would have my first OB appointment that afternoon. I would make my decision then.

After running to the bathroom to empty my stomach, like I did every morning, I slowly began to come alive.

Ugh, I really couldn't handle being sick all day today, I just couldn't. I was taking my intern exam today for God's sake. And there is no way in hell the proctor would let me take the test if I kept having to get up every half hour to throw up. I just needed to get through the next eight hours, and everything would be okay. The intern exam was in four hours, but I was heading over to Cristina's to do some last minute review session before I actually took the exam. After I got through the four hour test, I could be as sick as I wanted, because by that point, the pregnancy combined with all the nerves from whether I passed in addition to the stress of the ultrasound tomorrow and calling Derek and making a decision is just too much.

It was times like this that I really missed Derek. At least, more than usual. Because if Derek was here, or if he at least knew I was pregnant, my stress would be decreased exponentially. I mean, if he knew I was pregnant, then I wouldn't have to worry about telling him, and I wouldn't have to stress about my first doctor's appointment tomorrow because we would have come to a decision about whether or not I would keep the baby. All I would have to stress about is whether or not I passed my intern exam.

Of course, if I really thought about it, missing Derek had more to do with my personal problems rather than the pregnancy. Granted, if we were together or speaking to each other or whatever, he would make the whole being pregnant thing way easier, but it was more than that too. I just missed him.

_While looking through your old box of notes  
I found those pictures I took  
That you were looking for  
If there's one memory I don't want to lose  
That time at the mall  
You and me in the dressing room  
I told myself I won't miss you  
But I remember  
What it feels like beside you  
I really miss your hair in my face  
And the way your innocence tastes  
And I think you should know this  
You deserve much better than me_

"Mer? Meredith? Meredith!" Cristina's voice cut through my thoughts as we pulled into the parking lot of Seattle Grace. I turned to look at her, my wide eyes looking at her worried stare, mixed with a little bit of annoyance.

"What?" I asked, grabbing my purse and getting out of the car.

"I was asking you a study question," Cristina said, following behind me. "I asked for the five causes of a post op fever."

"Oh, oh right," I asked, thinking for a moment. I had to push Derek and the baby out of my thoughts, I had to. "Wound, wind, walking, water, and uh… oh! Wonder drugs!" I finished quickly, looking at Cristina for approval.

"Right," Cristina nodded before studying me again. "Meredith, are you sure you're ready for this?"

"Of course I'm ready! Why wouldn't I be? I've been studying for weeks."

"Yeah, but you're also pregnant, and you still haven't told Derek about that little detail yet," Cristina said, raising her eyebrows.

"So what?" I asked. "I need to focus on my job and my career breaking exam before I think about Derek and what I want to do about the…the thing."

"Oh, you mean the baby?" Cristina just shot back. "You should have dealt with this weeks ago when you first found out, not put it off until after your intern exam."

"Look, I'm dealing with this the best I can, and I have to just get through today," I snapped back.

"Yeah, but you should have at least told Derek. He would have wanted to know."

"Cristina! The exam is in twenty minutes. I need to concentrate on this, so just drop it for now," I sighed as I moved towards the exam room.

"Fine, but if you don't tell him by tonight, I will," Cristina said, looking at me straight in the eyes before walking ahead and finding a seat by the front.

I, in turn, took a seat two rows back next to Izzie, who was a bundle of nervous energy. She wasn't perky, but she was just as chatty as ever.

"Alright people, you have four hours to complete the exam. No cell phones or other technology is allowed. Cheating is absolutely unacceptable, and you will receive a zero if caught," the proctor said as he passed out the exams.

"Good luck," Izzie whispered to me.

"You too," I managed, suddenly becoming shaky and nervous.

The exam was brutal. Like actually brutal. Four hours is a long time to sit through an exam, and when the nausea set in a little over halfway through the exam, everything became downright unbearable. But in terms of the exam, they weren't half bad. There were several I didn't know, but for the most part, I was confident in my answers.

But now that the big, huge, scary test was over, reality set back in. I was pregnant, and I needed to call Derek to figure out what I was going to do. And I was pretty sure Cristina was mad at me for not telling Derek yet.

I slowly moved out of the room, my body running on auto-pilot as all these thoughts swirled around my head. My hand dug inside my purse as I tried to locate my phone. When I pulled it out, my fingers skimmed over the keys before I finally took a deep breath and located Derek's number, hitting it quickly before I changed my mind.

I waited as my service connected me, the international call taking much longer to process than I normal call. And in those few seconds, my mind started racing about all of the different reactions Derek could have. He could be happy and ecstatic, or sad, indifferent, or even angry with me. He may even want nothing to do with me after he finds out. And I don't know what I would do if he just hung up on me.

Suddenly, the dial tone beeped and a woman's voice filled my ears. "We're sorry, but this phone number has been disconnected and is no longer in service. Please hang up and try your call again." I hung up quickly, biting my lip with worry. This was bad. Maybe he changed his number so that I wouldn't call him. And now how was I supposed to tell him about the baby? He was probably happy. Maybe he had moved on to someone better, someone who really loved him and would never let him go like I had.

"Hey," a voice suddenly said from behind me. I turned around and saw Cristina giving me an odd look back. "Wanna go to Joe's for a little while?"

"You aren't mad at me?" I managed to say evenly, trying to combat the sadness I felt over being unable to reach Derek.

"No," Cristina shook her head. "I may not understand what you're doing, but I'm not mad."

"I can drink," I said, my hand falling on his stomach.

"So keep me company then," Cristina shrugged.

Out of excuses, I forced a smile on my face and smiled. "Okay," I replied, following her out of the hospital and across the street.

_The bed I'm lying in is getting colder  
Wish I never would've said it's over  
And I can't pretend... I won't think about you when I'm older  
Cause we never really had our closure  
This can't be the end  
I really miss your hair in my face  
And the way your innocence tastes  
And I think you should know this  
You deserve much better than me_


	20. Before the Worst

_**A/N: Just a head's up, this chapter is really short. Not because I was in a rush and wanted to get it up quickly or anything (it's been written for about two or three weeks), but because it just had to be short. I don't want to give anything away, so this had to be a really short, noninformative update to give you a look inside Derek's head. Yes, this update is short, but the next one is longer, and hopefully I'll be able to post it soon. So, let me know what you guys think, even if it's just a few words!**_

**C****hapter 20: Before the Worst**

_**Derek's Point of View**_

_It's been a while since the two of us talked  
About a week since the day you walked  
Knowing things would never be the same  
With your empty heart and mine full of pain  
So explain to me, how it came to this  
Take it back to the night we kissed  
It was Dublin city on a Friday night  
You were vodkas and cokes, I was Guinness all night_

_We were sitting with our backs against the world_  
_Saying things that we thought but never heard_  
_Who would have thought it would end up like this?_  
_Where everything we talked about is gone_  
_And the only chance we have of moving on_

_Was trying to take it back before it all went wrong_

Each day, everything got a little bit more difficult to handle. All I thought about was her, all the time, ever since I walked away from her in that airport. I shouldn't have done that; I should have stayed and fought for her, for us. But instead, I let my anger and hurt take control, and I left her.

At first I had tried to move on, to forget Meredith. I had even gone on two dates, but I could never get Meredith out of my mind. Meredith was the love of my life, my soul mate, and I would never love anyone else as much as I loved her.

She had rejected me, and told me we were over, and at first, I decided to accept that. I loved her, and I wasn't going to get over her, but if she didn't want me, then I would respect her wishes. I was even about to scrap my future plans, the ones that began in May, when it all fell apart.

But one day in June, everything changed. I had been in surgery all day, and had just finished an eight hour procedure on a subdural hematoma. I had to speak to the Chief about rejecting his offer, I just couldn't do it at this point. First, I opened my phone to check the time, and I froze. I had one missed call. From Meredith. Meredith had called me, even after saying that she couldn't handle our relationship any more, she still called. She still cared.

She didn't leave a message, so I wasn't sure if I should call her back. I decided against it, and instead, I put my plan back into action.

_There was a time, that we'd stay up all night  
Best friends talking 'til the daylight  
Took the joys alongside the pain  
With not much to lose but so much to gain  
Are hearing me? Cause I don't wanna miss,  
That you would drift on memory bliss  
It was Grafton Street on a rainy night  
I was down on one knee and you where mine for life_

_We we're thinking we would never be apart_  
_With your name tattooed across my heart_  
_Who would have thought it would end up like this?_  
_Where everything we talked about is gone_  
_And the only chance we have of moving on_

Nearly three weeks later, I stared at the computer screen in the research library of the hospital, waiting impatiently for an important email. I had made up all sorts of plans in the past couple of weeks, and I was just waiting for the last piece of the puzzle to fall into place. I went on various websites verifying everything until suddenly I heard a ping, signaling that I had a new email. My heart raced as I clicked on it, and in a moment of excitement, I jumped out of my seat because everything was now complete.

I paged Mark to meet me in the cafeteria as I printed out my paper and practically skipped down the hall. Well, I didn't really skip, but I definitely whistled a little.

Mark was sitting in the cafeteria eating a sandwich as I approached him, a huge shit eating grin on my face.

"You got it?" he asked as I sat at the table next to him.

"I got it," I grinned.

"Congrats man, I knew you would."

"Thanks, I can't believe it's really happening," I said, still amazed.

"Don't get too comfortable with basking, I'll be joining you in a couple of weeks."

"I don't understand how you found out before I did when the Chief offered it to me first," I groaned.

"Just lucky I guess," Mark laughed before his face became serious. "Are you sure about this man? I don't want you doing anything rash and finding out that you made a mistake."

"I'm sure," I answered fiercely. "I need to do this. Plus you'll be with me."

"True," Mark nodded. "As long as you're sure."

"I am," I repeated. "I have to go talk to the Chief."

"Alright, I'll see you around," Mark nodded as I stood.

I exited the cafeteria, my head held high. I was about to embark on my new beginning, my fresh start.

_If the clouds don't clear  
Then we'll rise above it, we'll rise above it  
Heavens gate is so near  
Come walk with me through  
Just like we used to, just like we used to_

_Lets take it back_  
_Before it all went wrong_

_Before the worst, before we met_  
_Before our hearts decide_  
_It's time to love again_  
_Before too late, before too long_  
_Lets try to take it back_  
_Before it all went wrong_


	21. New York

_**A/N: I'm so sorry it's been almost three weeks. I haven't had too much time to write, but I thought I at least owed all an update. All I'll say about it is: enjoy! (Oh, and just a head's up, all italics are song lyrics. In this update, song lyrics are mixed in with actual text, so I don't want you to be confused)**_

**Chapter 21: New York**

_If you were here beside me instead of in New York  
If the curve of you was curved on me  
I'd tell you that I loved you before I ever knew you  
'Cause I loved the simple thought of you  
If our hearts are never broken and there's no joy in the mending  
There's so much this hurt can teach us both  
There's distance and there's silence, your words have never left me  
They're the prayer that I say every day_

Joe's was crowded with interns celebrating the end of the exam. Cristina and I had to push through the crowd, but managed to find a small table in the back corner. I took the seat facing away from the door, not wanting to see anyone, while Cristina went to the bar to order.

I didn't know what to do. I couldn't call Derek. I could email him, but he may think it was a prank, or he wouldn't believe him. Or maybe he had deleted his email address as well, and then I would have no way of getting in touch with him. Which left me entirely on my own to deal with the pregnancy, and I didn't have a clue as to what to do.

"What are you thinking about?" Cristina asked as she sat back down, a beer in one hand and a glass of water in the other. She pushed the water towards me before sipping her beer.

"It's two in the afternoon, isn't it a little early to start drinking?" I asked rather than answering her.

"We just finished the test that will make or break our intern year, day drinking is definitely allowed," Cristina replied as she took a big gulp of her beer. "But seriously, what are you thinking about?"

"Derek," I said quietly.

"Oh, are you going to call him, or do I have to do it?"

"I already tried," I replied, my voice just as soft as before.

"You did?" Cristina asked incredulously, raising her eyebrows at me.

"Yes," I nodded.

"And?"

"And he didn't answer. His phone was disconnected."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously," I affirmed sadly, pulling out my phone. "Try for yourself."

Cristina grabbed the phone from me, selecting Derek's number and pressing it to her ear. After about thirty seconds, she frowned, hung up the phone and handed it back, to me. "So what are you going to do?"

"I don't know," I groaned, crossing my arms across the table and laying my head down on top of them.

"Well, you guys didn't only talk to each other on the phone, did you?" Cristina asked.

"No, we used to email too."

"Well there you go," Cristina said simply. "Problem solved."

"But it's not!" I insisted. "What am I supposed to write? '_Hey Derek, how are you? Sorry we haven't spoken in about two months. By the way, I'm about ten weeks pregnant and it's yours, congratulations.' _Yeah, that will go over really well. He'd probably think it was a joke and completely ignore it."

"Or he'll get really freaked out and call you to see if you were serious or not?" Cristina offered, without even a hint of sarcasm.

"That is a possibility," I said thoughtfully.

"Well, if you don't want to give the news via email, what do you want to do?" Cristina asked gently.

"I don't know," I repeated, a defeated quality to my tone. "Maybe I'll just have to go it alone."

"What do you mean '_go at it alone,'_" Cristina asked, using air quotes.

"I'll – I have to figure out what I'm going to do about the baby," I replied, inhaling deeply. "I need to decide if I want to keep it or not."

"Wait, that's something you would consider? Keeping it?" Cristina made no effort to hide her disbelief as she looked at me like I was crazy. "I wouldn't even have to think about it, I would get rid of it. Immediately."

"I know," I sighed.

"Then what is there to think about? Were you going to keep it if Derek wanted you to?"

"If we could find a way to make it work, then yes."

"I see," Cristina thought for a minute. "And why don't you think you can get rid of it now."

"I don't know. Whenever I think about it, a part of me thinks that I may want this baby."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, I think about it sometimes, and sometimes I want to be a mom. At least to this baby. I mean, I'd probably be a crap mom because my mom was a crap mom, but I'd like to think that I can do better for him or her than my mom did for me."

"So, is this decision set in stone?" Cristina asked. "Because I can do the supportive thing if you want me to."

"No," I shook my head. "It's not official yet."

"When will it be official?"

"At my OB appointment tomorrow afternoon. When I made that appointment, I promised myself I would decide by then."

"So technically, you're still thinking?" Cristina asked slowly.

"Technically, I'm still thinking," I agreed.

"Good," Cristina replied, gulping down that last of her beer. "Then I'm going to get another drink. I'll keep drinking while you keep thinking."

I giggled a little at her rhyme as she slid out of her seat, patting me on the back. "You'll get through this."

I nodded, trying to force conviction into my words. "I know I will."

_If you were here beside me instead of in New York  
In the arms you said you'd never leave  
I'd tell you that it's simple and it was only ever thus  
There is nowhere else that I belong_

_Come on, come out, come here, come here_  
_Come on, come out, come here, come here_  
_Come on, come out, come here, come here_  
_Come on, come out, come here, come here_  
_The lone neon nights and the ache of the ocean_  
_And the fire that was starting to spark_  
_I miss it all from the love to the lightning_  
_And the lack of it snaps me in two_

Three hours later, I was still sitting in Joe's. I was still thinking while Cristina was still drinking. Cristina and I had talked a little here and there while we sat, but mostly we were quiet, giving me plenty of time to think. It was approaching five o'clock, and happy hour was starting soon, making Joe's more and more crowded.

"Made up your mind yet?" Cristina asked for the fifth time.

"No, not yet," I answered for the fifth time, but this time trying to stifle a yawn. Suddenly, a cheery pop ballad came over the juke box at Joe's and I moaned inwardly.

"Ugh, I hate this song," Cristina complained as she stood up again. "I need a drink to get through this song. Want anything?"

"Yeah, can you get me a coke? I need a sugar rush," I attempted to smile.

"Sure thing," Cristina replied.

The bar was definitely louder and more crowded than it was earlier, and I could barely here my thoughts. But they were there, trying to shout over the noise to do the only thing left to do: to just suck it up and email Derek. There was no other option, and he needed a say in his child's life, whether he wanted to be a part of it or not. I made up my mind to email him later tonight just as I heard the bell of the bar's entrance ring, announcing another patron entering. I was surprised that I was even able to hear it over the din, but maybe pregnancy gave you superhuman powers.

Cristina came back just as the annoying pop song ended, handing me my coke.

"Thank God it's finally over," Cristina laughed as she sat down. "Now hopefully one of these idiots will pick a half decent song to play."

"Hopefully," I agreed.

We sat in silence again for a minute until I heard the musical notes of a piano fill the bar. Someone selected a song, a song I knew very well. A song I associated with the man that I love, and whose child I was carrying.

"Crap!" I groaned, putting my head down on the table again.

"What? Are you going to be sick or something?" Cristina asked.

"No," I moaned. "New York."

"New York? What the hell is in New York?"

"No! New York is the song that's playing right now. It is… It was, I guess it would be our song or something. He sent it to me one time while we were video chatting, and it just… fit our situation. So the song is reminding me of Derek," I said, tears pooling in my eyes.

"Oh God, he's corrupted you," Cristina groaned.

"No! I – I blame the hormones," I shot back.

"Yeah okay."

"_If you were here beside me instead of in New York, If the curve of you was curved on me"_

The song flooded my ears as I tried not to cry, hating whoever the hell had decided to play this song. God hated me, he definitely did.

"Um, Mer?" Cristina said suddenly, looking somewhere behind me.

"_I'd tell you that I loved you before I ever knew you. 'Cause I loved the simple thought of you"_

"What?" I said, looking up at her, frowning a little.

"You might want to turn around," Cristina said, her brow furrowing.

"Why?"

"Just do it!" Cristina insisted, startling me a little.

"Fine," I huffed, rolling my eyes as I lifted my head off of the table and spun around in my seat.

And my world stopped.

He was standing there. On the other side of the bar. Staring at me. He was standing by the jukebox, just looking at me.

How was he here? Why was he here? Or maybe he wasn't, maybe I'm hallucinating. I'm overtired and over stressed and I'm hallucinating. Or I could be dreaming, like the time I dreamt that I flew to London and found him with some red head, telling me he had moved on. Maybe I was dreaming now like I was back then. I was imagining him here, staring at me and giving me the McDreamy look. The one with a slight smile and a head tilt. He wasn't really here.

"Mer?" Cristina said softly.

"Is he really here?" I asked, my voice cracking as I tried to keep myself from crying.

"Yeah, he is. And he's giving you the McDreamy look."

"Oh," I gasped, finally starting to process the fact that he was actually here, about twenty feet away from me, our song playing in the background.

"_I'd tell you that it's simple and it was only ever thus, There is nowhere else that I belong"_

"What should I do?" I whispered, never taking my eyes off of him.

"Go talk to him Mer!" Cristina exclaimed. "You've been drowning your sorrows about how you weren't able to talk to him, and he's literally right in front of you. Go talk to him right now." I felt her hand on my back as she pushed me out of my chair, forcing me to stand.

As I stood, Derek started to move slowly towards me, as if he wasn't sure what I would do. I followed his pace, moving cautiously across the small dance floor. We both came to a stop about three feet away from each other, and I just stared at him, taking him in.

Finally, Derek opened his mouth to speak, and I couldn't take it anymore. I launched myself at him, wrapping my arms around his waist and burying my face in his chest, finally beginning to cry. Derek wrapped his arms around me immediately, holding me tightly and kissing the top of my head as we stood there.

I pulled my head away from his chest, looking up at his worried eyes.

"I love you Derek, I love you so much," I said quickly, before he had a chance to say anything. "I love you in this really big, pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio outside my window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. I'm so sorry Derek, I'm so sorry for everything, and I love you."

He responded by cupping my face with his hands and gently pressing his lips against mine. It was a soft kiss, not full of passion like our past kisses, but one of promise and hope. When he pulled away, he wrapped his arms around my waist and held me close to him.

"Oh Meredith," he whispered in my ear as I rested my head against his shoulder. "I love you too."

We continued holding each other, slow dancing in the middle of Joe's as our song kept playing. And I couldn't help but smile a little, because suddenly, everything looked a little brighter.

_Just give me a sign, there's an end and not beginning  
To the quiet chaos driving me mad  
The lone neon nights and the walls of the ocean  
And the fire that is starting to go out_


	22. One and Only

_**A/N: Thank you all so much for sticking with me, even though it takes me a few weeks to post. I have the rest of the story mapped out already, and my schedule has kind of cleared up, so I'm determined to finish this as soon as possible and give you much more frequent updates. Now, this update is a continuation from the end of the last chapter, so I hope you guys like it!**_

**Chapter 22: One and Only**

_You've been on my mind  
I grow fonder every day,  
Lose myself in time  
Just thinking of your face  
God only knows  
Why it's taken me so long  
To let my doubts go  
You're the only one that I want_

_I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before_  
_Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,_  
_You never know if you never try_  
_To forgive your past and simply be mine_

When the song ended, Derek pulled away from me, leaving his arms around my waist as he stared down at me. I blushed a little under his gaze, and tried to formulate the words that I needed to say.

"Derek, I-" I began.

"Meredith," Derek said at the same time, laughing a little. "Can we go somewhere and talk?"

"Umm," I hummed softly, looking back at Cristina. "Can we just go outside and talk? I drove with Cristina this morning because we were studying for our intern exam, so I shouldn't go too far."

"Yeah, sure," Derek nodded, smiling. "How was your exam?" he asked as he led me out of the bar.

"Bad," I said automatically, not even thinking. "Well, the questions weren't bad, it was bad because I'm… because of other reasons." I ended quickly.

"I'm glad it wasn't hard," he replied as we climbed up the steps. We walked a few feet before turning to face each other, neither one of us saying anything.

"So," I began, my voice trailing off.

"So?" Derek repeated.

"Why are you here?" I asked, asking the question that was now on the forefront of my mind. It may have come out harsher than I wanted, but I needed to know. I had spent the past two months pining over Derek, and while I certainly wasn't complaining, I needed to know what I was getting myself into.

Derek looked shocked for a minute, picking up on my tone. However, he put on a brave face and the McDreamy smile, and everything was fine again. "I'm living here now," he said quietly.

"What?" I spluttered out, not expecting that at all. "How? When? Why?"

Derek laughed at me, at ease again. "Chief Webber offered me a fellowship spot at Seattle Grace when I came out for the conference. I was going to tell you when you came out to London after your intern exam. I had this entire romantic thing planned out with both of us packing all of our stuff up at the same time and I would tell you I was coming home with you. But then you ended this…" he stopped for a minute and looked at me sadly. "And I didn't get a chance to tell you. I wasn't even sure if I would come for a while, but then I thought about you, and how much I loved you, and I just had to come to be with you, or at least be near you." He looked at me expectantly.

For the second time that night, I wrapped my arms around his waist, hugging him tightly. "I'm sorry," I said into his shirt. "I was scared, and I let Izzie and Cristina get to me. It's just that I loved you so much, and it scared me that I cared so much about a guy I might never see you again. And thinking about the fact that I might not see you again just made me all depressed, and I didn't want to be depressed forever. But I missed you every day. And I tried to call you a few weeks ago to tell you…things, but you didn't pick up. And then I called you this afternoon, and your phone was disconnected. I guess it's because you were here, but I thought… I thought it was because you didn't want to speak to me again." I couldn't help but want to cry again, but Derek quickly changed that by kissing me, this time deeply, making me feel wanted and loved.

"No Mer," Derek murmured as he pulled away from me slightly. "I love you, and I did want to talk to you. When I saw that you called, I decided to go through with moving here, even if you didn't want me. I missed you every day too."

"I love you," I whispered as I kissed him lightly again. "Thank you so much for moving here."

"Don't worry about it," he grinned. "It was too good of an opportunity to pass up anyway."

"Anyway," I said, knowing that I had to tell him now. "I have something really important to tell you."

"What is it?" Derek asked, looking completely happy, which made me worried that I was going to make him angry, or run off, or something that will currently burst our happy bubble.

I took a deep breath, looking him in the eyes as I finally faced my fear and got ready to make my decision, with or without him. "I'm pregnant Derek."

_If I've been on your mind  
You hang on every word I say  
Lose yourself in time at the mention of my name  
Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close?  
And have you tell me whichever road I choose you'll go_

_I don't know why I'm scared 'cause I've been here before_  
_Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,_  
_You'll never know if you never try_  
_To forgive your past and simply be mine_

Derek looked stunned for a moment before finally composing his features, not giving anything away.

"It's okay Mer," he finally said, smiling gently down at me.

"What?" I said, not fully understand his reaction. I expected him to be either extremely happy or really worried, not passive like this. "It is?"

"Yeah," Derek nodded slowly. "I mean, I understand that you wanted to move on, and we weren't together, so it's fine. I still love you. We can still be together, unless you're with the father?" With that, Derek's tone took on a harsher quality before his face once again became unreasonable.

He didn't understand. He didn't think the baby was his. He thought it was someone else's. That I would sleep with someone else so soon after breaking up with him. I felt my skin heat with anger as I struggled out of his grasp.

"What? You think? Seriously?" I hissed as I pushed him away from me. "You think I went off and slept with someone the moment left? You're an ass Derek Shepherd! The baby is yours!"

I turned and started to walk away back towards the bar, only making it about three feet before Derek grabbed my arm and spun me around.

"It's – the baby…you're pregnant with my baby?" he looked down at me with awe, and I felt my anger dissipate a little.

"Of course it's yours!" I snapped, still bitter. "I'm ten weeks pregnant. And I don't know what to do. That's why I called you three weeks ago, because that's when I found out. But I kept putting off calling you again because I had my intern exam to study for, and I needed to concentrate on that. I promised myself I would call you after my exam was over, but your phone was disconnected. And I didn't know what to do, and I wanted you to help me decide if I should keep it or not. But I think I'm going to keep it. I think I want this baby, if you do."

I studied him closely trying to get an idea of what he was thinking. He looked shocked for a moment, but then his smile became wide as he tentatively reached his arm towards my stomach. I nodded slightly, giving my permission, and he placed his hand on my lower stomach, rubbing it slowly.

"You're having my baby?" he asked, his voice full of awe.

"I am," I nodded, once again starting to cry.

"We're having a baby," he said happily, tears filling his eyes too.

"You – you want to keep it? Really?" I smiled.

"Yes, of course. Do you?"

"I think so. Yeah, especially if you're going to be around and everything," I said through my tears.

Derek moved his hand from his stomach, cupping my face in his hands. "I promise you I will be there for everything," he said, his voice full of conviction, as he kissed me softly.

"Derek," I said, suddenly pulling back. "We have to do this slowly. When we first met, we jumped right into sex without thinking of the consequences, and it didn't go very well. We both ended up miserable for months and pregnant. We need to do this right this time, or at least as normally as possible. We have to get to know each other, be friends, go on dates. No sex and no sleepovers, at least not yet. We're having a baby together, but we can't go running off and getting married tonight, okay?"

"I can take it slow," Derek nodded, his smirk making his statement vaguely dirty. "We'll do this as fast or as slow as you want Meredith. You're giving me a baby, and you're willing to give us another chance, I couldn't ask for anything more than that."

"Thank you," I smiled.

"You're very welcome. But, is it alright if I move closer to your house? I have a place, but it's kind of out of the way, and I want to be closer to you and our child while you're pregnant and working things out. Would it be alright if I found an apartment a couple of blocks from your house, or would that be too close and too much too fast?"

"No," I smiled widely. "That sounds perfect."

"Perfect," Derek echoed.

We stood there, once again staring at each other until I remembered one more important piece of information that he should be filled in on.

"Derek?"

"Hmm?"

"I uh, I have my first appointment. You know, the first OB appointment tomorrow afternoon at one, and I was wondering, if you're free, you would come with me?"

"Of course I'll come with you Meredith," Derek chuckled. "I promised I would be there for everything, and I will be."

"Great," I smiled, breathing a sigh of relief. "Do you want to just meet me in the Seattle Grace parking lot at 12:45, and we can just go in from there."

"That sounds perfect," Derek agreed. "I can go apartment hunting in the morning."

"Good," I nodded, taking a step closer to Derek. "I should probably go inside, Cristina will be worried you murdered me."

"Alright," Derek replied, taking a step towards me as well. "I should probably head home now, I'm a mess with the time change."

We both laughed at that before Derek ducked his head and brushed his lips against mine. "I love you Meredith," he whispered against my lips.

"I love you too," I replied as I pulled away, giving him a smile and a wave as I went back to Joe's to find Cristina, grinning like an idiot.

_I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart  
I Know it ain't esay, giving up your heart_

_So I dare you to let me be your, your one and only  
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms  
So come on and give me a chance  
To prove that I'm the one who can  
Walk that mile until the end starts  
Come on and give me a chance  
To prove that I'm the one who can  
Walk that mile until the end starts._


	23. A Thousand Years

_**A/N: We're getting a baby! Since I am so excited, and so happy with Shonda and co. right now, I have decided to update earlier than I planned. However, this means that all of my banked updates are posted, so I don't know how long it will be until I update again. Now, just like the real Grey's Anatomy, we are on to happier times in this fic. Enjoy!**_

**Chapter 23: A Thousand Years**

_Heart beats fast  
Colors and promises  
How to be brave  
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall  
But watching you stand alone  
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow_

_One step closer_

_I have died everyday waiting for you_  
_Darling don't be afraid I have loved you_  
_For a thousand years_  
_I'll love you for a thousand more_

I was pacing around the locker room, terrified out of my mind. We were supposed to find out whether we passed our intern exams in ten minutes, and I was freaking out. Then, I was supposed to meet Derek and go see my baby. Our baby. We were going to a doctor's appointment to make sure the baby was okay. Which meant that I was going to be a mom. As my hand moved to my stomach, I felt a shiver of both excitement and nervousness run through me.

I was terrified about the decision to keep the baby. I was scared that I would lose credibility with my bosses once they found out I was pregnant. That they would mommy track me like the Chief tried to do to Bailey. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to balance being a surgeon and having a baby, and I would only be able to be good at one and crap at the other. And right now, I wasn't sure which one I would prefer to be crap at.

But at the same time, I couldn't wait for the appointment. I wasn't sure I would be good at being a mom, but I thought I was ready. I was twenty seven, and Derek was thirty; we were adults, we could handle a baby. And the baby was ours, and despite our messed up, taking it slow relationship, I loved Derek, and I think I loved our baby too.

"Meredith, stop painting and get your hand off your stomach unless you want everyone to know you're pregnant," Cristina said from her seat on the bench next to me, watching me pace.

My hand dropped from my stomach immediately and I turned around to face her, my eyes wide with fear.

"What do you mean everyone knows?" I demanded. "Who knows that I'm pregnant?"

"No one!" Cristina said quickly. "Just me, Izzie, and Alex. No one else, but the touching and rubbing the belly thing might give people a clue."

"Yeah, right," I nodded in agreement. "I'm just worried about the test results. Yesterday I thought it went alright, but now I'm thinking that I was probably over confident and now I'm going to fail and have to redo my intern year while being pregnant. I'll be the talk of Seattle Grace for months!"

"Meredith!" Cristina snapped, grabbing my arm and pulling me to another corner of the locker room, away from the other interns.

"Ow!" I exclaimed, yanking my arm from her grasp.

"Listen to me, because I am only going to say this once," Cristina muttered, her voice low and a little edgy. "You are a good doctor, and you are an acceptable surgeon. Probably as good as me, and you are the only person here that I see as real competition. So stop whining! You probably kicked ass on the intern exam, so stop freaking out about it. Focus on what comes after the test results are given out. You get to meet up with McDreamy and go up to OB to see your McBaby. Okay Mer? Focus on the positive stuff, no matter how gross it is."

I took a deep breath, nodding slowly. I just had to focus. I had to get through the next antagonizing hour of waiting for my scores, but then I could see Derek. And the baby. I would see our baby.

A grin spread across my face, and I didn't even try to hide it. I was happy, I was completely happy. I knew I had wanted the baby, and I knew I would have been happy once I saw him or her on the ultrasound screen, but Derek did make a difference. He was actually here, and he wanted our baby as much as I did. We were going to be a family. A strange family because I wasn't sure what my relationship with Derek would look like by the time the baby was born, but we would still be a family.

"Oh God," Cristina groaned, snapping me out of my thoughts. "What the hell were you looking all dopey about."

"Dopey? I wasn't looking dopey," I said insistently.

"Huh, yeah right. You had that weird grin on your face that you get whenever you think of Derek. You were thinking about him, right?"

"Um, kind of," I admitted. "It was mostly about the baby."

"Great, now you're all warm and gooey inside," Cristina replied, wrinkling her nose at me.

"I am not all warm and gooey inside! I am still hardcore!"

"Yeah right," Cristina snorted. "Look at you, not even out of your first trimester and already covered in mommy."

"I am not!" I tried to persuade her.

"Yes you are, but don't worry about it. As long as you're happy, I'll try to tolerate it," Cristina said, cracking a smile at the end.

"Thank you," I nodded, smiling a little. "You're a good friend."

"I know," Cristina shrugged, walking back towards the other interns. I followed her, making small talk until our results came in.

An hour later, our chief resident came in with a bunch of envelopes in his hand. I looked down at my watch; I had twenty minutes to get my score, process whether or not I actually passed, and then meet Derek in the parking lot for my appointment. I could do this. I would pass, and I would not freak out.

"I am going to hand you results out in alphabetical order," the resident, Dr. Simons, said, sounding board. "When you look at your exam, it will tell you your percentile in each of the specialties you were tested on, as well as your overall standing in your year. If your results ask you to speak with the Chief, you must go to his office and make an appointment to speak with him within the next week, understood?"

Everyone in the room nodded, clearly anxious to get their exams back. "Alright," Dr. Simons said before looking down at the envelopes. "Alberts."

A small red haired girl scurried to the front of the room, snatched her exam, and moved right back towards her locker, just staring at her envelope. I know how she feels, I'm not sure if I want to see my score, just in case I failed.

A few more names were read before my part of the alphabet was reached, and I became increasingly nervous.

"Dexter," Simons droned on, pausing momentarily to allow the interns to grab their scores. "Farley. Grey."

At the mention of my name, I jumped off the bench, practically tripping over Izzie's feet as I reached the front of the room, my hands shaking as I took my envelope. Feeling my cheeks redden, I moved to the way back of the locker room, away from everyone else, holding my envelope delicately in my hands.

This was it. This right here was going to make or break my career. The contents of this envelope will tell me whether I will go on to be a second year resident, whether I repeat my intern year, or if I just not come back at all.

Finally, I just ripped the envelope open, deciding to face my fears. I scanned my scores, slowly absorbing the information.

I passed. I passed. And not just barely passed, but really, really passed. Like ninety-fifth percentile passed. Well, not in all subjects. Apparently I need a little more studying in plastics, but I still go in the ninetieth percentile.

"Did you pass?" Cristina's voice suddenly came from my left, and I turned to look at her, a smile on my face.

"You bet I did," I smiled, trying to sound more confident than I had felt just a few minutes ago. "You?"

"Of course," Cristina shrugged.

"Congratulations," I smiled.

"You too," Cristina said distractedly, her eyes still scanning over her scores.

I quickly glanced at the clock, gasping when I realized that it was ten of one. Derek would be waiting for me.  
"I gotta go Cristina," I said hurriedly, grabbing my purse.

"Yeah yeah," Cristina said nonchalantly. "Let me know how great McBaby is."

"I will," I grinned as I rushed out of the locker room and to the parking lot, practically squealing with excitement at the fact that in a few short minutes, Derek and I would see our baby for the first time.

_Time stands still  
Beauty in all she is  
I will be brave  
I will not let anything take away  
What's standing in front of me  
Every breath  
Every hour has come to this_

_One step closer_

I looked wildly around the parking lot, finally spotting Derek leaning against a black SUV. I felt myself smile in relief as he caught my gaze, grinning right back at me. He pushed himself off of the car and walked towards me, stopping in front of me and gripping my waist with his hands.

"Hey," he said softly, his grin becoming slightly nervous.

"Hi," I replied, my hands resting on his upper arms.

He just stared at me for a moment, his eyes slowly clouding with confusion. We just stood there staring at each other, the silence becoming more and more awkward as time passed.

"Well," Derek finally sighed. "This is awkward."

"Yeah," I agreed, giggling. "And I don't know why. We're never awkward."

"I think it's because I don't really know how to be around you," Derek said quietly. "You want to take it slow, and I get that, but I really want to kiss you. Am I allowed to kiss you?"

"Oh," I gasped, feeling my cheeks redden. "Yeah, you can kiss me."

The grin was back on Derek's face with full force. "Good," he said softly, ducking his head down to mine. Our lips brushed softly against each other's, the light kiss bringing back the joy I had felt just moments ago.

"So," Derek murmured against my lips as he pulled away slightly. "Did you get your exam results back?"

"Oh!" I gasped, reaching into my bag to grab the results, and then thrusting them in his face. "I passed!"

"You did?" Derek exclaimed, grabbing my scores and scanning them quickly. "Mer, you didn't pass, you killed it!" He laughed, lifting me up and kissing me again, harder this time.

When he placed me back on the ground, he laughed again. "Congratulations, Dr. Grey."

"Thank you," I giggled, grabbing his hand. "Come on, we have an appointment to get to."

A look of awe crossed Derek's face as he squeezed my hand, his other hand gently touching my stomach. "Yeah, let's go see our baby."

"Yeah," I repeated softly, leading him into the hospital and up to the third floor, where the OB/GYN Department was located.

"I have an appointment with Dr. Carney at one, my last name is Grey," I said when I reached the desk.

"Oh, of course," the secretary said, smiling as she typed my name into her computer, studying the information as she pulled out a packet of papers. "Just fill these out and bring them back to the desk when you're done, and Dr. Carney will be right with you. Congratulations."

"Thank you," I smiled, moving into the waiting room where Derek was waiting.

Fifteen minutes later, I was lying down on an exam table, Derek sitting by my shoulder, holding my hand and joking with me.

"Did you end up finding a place?" I asked during a lull in our conversation.

"I did," he nodded. "It's about ten minutes away from your house, and twenty minutes from the hospital, so I won't be far from anything."

"Good," I smiled as the door opened, a middle aged woman walking in.

"Good afternoon Dr. Grey, I am Dr. Carney," she smiled before glancing at Derek. "And you must be the father."

"Derek Shepherd," Derek smiled, standing to shake her hand. "And yes, I am the very proud father."

"Derek," I groaned, rolling my eyes. "Derek is going to be a neurosurgery fellow at the hospital in a couple of weeks."

"Well, I'm sure he will be a fine addition to the hospital," Dr. Carney smiled again.

"Oh, I definitely will be," Derek replied.

"Derek, stop being cocky," I hissed, hitting his arm.

"Sorry," he laughed, sitting back down and kissing my forehead.

"Alright Dr. Grey-" Dr. Carney began.

"Meredith," I interrupted.

"Meredith," she corrected. "I'm just going to examine you quickly, and then we'll get a look at your baby, okay?"

"Okay," I nodded eagerly, reaching for Derek's hand and squeezing it tightly.

After a few minutes, Dr. Carney lifted up my robe and poured some cool jelly on it.

"Alright, are you ready to see your baby?" she asked as she reached for the wand.

"Yes," Derek and I said in unison, sounding extremely enthusiastic.

"Good," Dr. Carney replied, turning on the ultrasound machine and moving the wand over my lower stomach. A grainy image suddenly appeared on the scene, and Derek and I both gasped at the same time.

"And there's your baby, though I'm sure you already knew that," Dr. Carney said softly.

And there was our baby. He or she actually looked like a baby, with an overlarge head and tiny body, but a baby nonetheless. I studied the ultrasound like a doctor should, and found nothing wrong. Our baby was perfect.

"Der-" I gasped, tears filling my eyes.

"Oh Mer," Derek whispered, squeezing my hand. I wanted to look at him, to see his reaction, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from the screen.

"You're about ten weeks along, and everything looks good. Would you like to hear the heartbeat?"

"Yes," Derek and I said, once again at the same time.

"Of course," Dr. Carney laughed softly, flipping a switch, causing the room to fill with the whooshing sound I had heard a million times before, but suddenly sounded so perfect.

"Derek," I whispered again, finally looking at my boyfriend, or at least, my boyfriend like person. His eyes were filled with tears like mine, an expression of awe on his face.

"Meredith," he whispered back, leaning over and kissing me gently on the lips. "God I love you."

"I love you too," I replied, kissing him again.

"The heartbeat is perfectly within range. Baby Grey-"

"Baby Shepherd," I interrupted firmly.

"Really?" Derek said, his face filling with more joy than I thought possible.

"Of course," I replied.

"Thank you," he whispered, kissing me again.

"Baby Shepherd looks perfectly healthy," Dr. Carney finished.

"Thank you," I smiled, looking back at my doctor.

"Alright, I'm going to turn the machine off and let you get dressed. Would you like to say goodbye to your baby?"

"Goodbye Baby Shepherd," I said, my hand falling to my stomach.

"Bye baby," Derek reiterated, his hand covering mine.

Dr. Carney turned off the machine, said her goodbyes, and left Derek and I on our own. As soon as we were alone, Derek pulled me into his arms, kissing him passionately.

"What was that for?" I asked when we pulled apart.

"Thank you," Derek said sincerely. "Thank you so much for keeping our baby, for doing this with me. Thank you for giving the baby my last name. I love you."

"I love you too," I said. "And you don't have to thank me. It's my baby too, and I want him or her. And you're their daddy, of course they get your last name."

"Go out with me," Derek said as he kissed my hair.

"What?"

"Go on a date with me. We're taking things slow, but I really want to go on a date with you. That's part of the whole dating thing, and a date is definitely slow."

"Okay," I smiled.

"Great! Are you free tonight?"

"Well, I'm supposed to celebrate the fact that I passed my intern exam at Joes at six, but I can't drink, so I'll probably be able to sneak out early. And I'm sure my friends won't mind if you came with us."

"Okay," Derek smiled. "I'll make a reservation for somewhere at eight so you can spend time with your friends."

"Okay."

"I love you Mer."

"I love you too," I grinned at him as I kissed him again. Derek's hand still covered mine on my stomach, and as I thought of our baby, I couldn't help but feel as if my life had fallen completely into place.

_I have died everyday waiting for you  
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you  
For a thousand years  
I'll love you for a thousand more_

_And all along I believed I would find you_  
_Time has brought your heart to me_  
_I have loved you for a thousand years_  
_I'll love you for a thousand more_


	24. Red

_**A/N: So, I'm back. And I am terribly sorry for the long wait, but as I said, I had a very tough half of the school, year, which has finally lightened up, so expect some updates. Lots of updates. That is, if anyone is still interested, because it has been such a long time since I updated. But I'm definitely back in the swing of things, thanks to some recent reviewers who encouraged me to continue this story. I had a hard time with this chapter, because I knew what I wanted to happen, but I could have written it in like 500 words. But you guys deserve more than that, so I had to take the time to expand a little and give more depth to this chapter. Anyway, I hope you all are still with me, and that you like this update!**_

**Chapter 24: Red**

_L__osing him was blue like I'd never known  
Missing him was dark grey all alone  
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met  
But loving him was red  
Loving him was red_

For the fourteenth morning in a row, I woke up with a smile on my face. A smile that was there entirely because of Derek. Part of me still couldn't believe that he was here. In Seattle. With me. But he was, and we were definitely happy. We had been spending almost all of our time together since we had seen our baby on the ultrasound, and it had been pretty damn close to perfect.

But today was my last day off before I officially became a second year resident tomorrow, and I would have to face a day without Derek. He wasn't slated to start at the hospital until next week, and a part of me didn't know where that would leave us. We were definitely together, but we had kind of fallen into a pattern; he would come over around nine in the morning, when my morning sickness usually hit, and then we would go do things together. The first couple of days, we had gone furniture shopping for his apartment, a small two bedroom place just three blocks away. After that, we had found random things to do before having dinner and Derek dropping me off on my doorstep with a kiss goodnight. Today, however, was going to be a complete surprise. Derek refused to tell me what we were doing or where we were going, something that was annoying me despite his promises that I would love it.

I got out of bed, moving towards my closet, pausing in front of my mirror. Pushing up my tank top, I studied my changing stomach. At twelve weeks pregnant, I was starting to show, my stomach curving outward gently. I noticed it about a week ago, and it gave me a thrill every time I looked at it or felt it. I was never sure I wanted to be a mother, especially at only twenty seven, so I was often surprised about how excited I was for this baby. But I wanted him or her badly, and though I was really scared about the future, I couldn't wait to meet my baby in about six months.

I decided to dress casually today because I didn't know what I would be doing with Derek. However, my jeans were starting to feel a little tight, but I didn't want to buy new pants yet, so I opted for leggings and an oversized button down shirt, which would hide my baby bump for a little while longer.

I was just finishing my hair when I heard the doorbell ring.

"Coming!" I called as I slipped on my shoes, grabbed my purse, and ran down the stairs. My house was empty, with Izzie out shopping or something with some other interns to celebrate her last day before becoming a second year resident.

"Hi," I breathed as I opened the door, smiling at Derek.

"Good morning Mer," Derek replied, grinning just as widely as he kissed me, his hands moving to my sides before gently shifting to my stomach. Pulling away from me, he crouched down so he was eye level with my stomach and pulled up my shirt slightly.

"And good morning to you to baby," Derek said softly as he kissed my stomach, stroking the bump once more.

"Derek," I giggled as he stood, linking his hand in mine before kissing me again.

"What?" he asked. "It's important to talk to the baby; I need to bond with him or her."

"I get that," I laughed, shaking my head. "But he or she won't be able to hear you for another month or two, so it's a moot point."

"It is not!" he insisted. "I was three thousand miles away for ten weeks, I need to let baby know how much I love it."

I smiled sadly at him, feeling a little twinge of guilt for not telling him I was pregnant sooner. "I know," I sighed. "But trust me, baby knows how much you love him, and he definitely loves you too."

"Oh, so it's a boy today?" Derek asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Today, he definitely feels like a boy," I nodded. "But all last week he was a girl, so it could change again."

Derek laughed at me, grinning again. "At least you keep switching off, so our baby won't have a complex when he or she is born."

"True," I laughed, grabbing a light jacket out of the coat closet.

"Have you eaten yet?" Derek suddenly asked, his voice concerned.

"Um, no," I answered quietly, my stomach beginning to turn at the thought of food.

"Meredith," Derek sighed.

"I'll eat in a little while, I promise," I said quickly. "It's just that this is the first morning I've woken up and not had to puke my brains out, so I want to keep that going."

Derek looked at me carefully before nodding. "Alright," he said, grabbing my hand and grinning. "But you have to promise to eat something on the ferryboat if you're up for it."

"We're going on a ferryboat?" I grinned as he led me to his car.

"Yes, and that is all you are going to get out of me," Derek responded firmly.

"Why, you know how much I hate surprises," I whined as I climbed into the passenger's seat, almost sitting on a manila folder.

"I know, it's part of the fun," Derek laughed as he grabbed the folder from me before I could open it.

"Hey!" I exclaimed. "What's in that?"

"Nothing to worry yourself about right now."

"More secrets?"

"Not secrets, surprises," Derek shot back.

"Well, I don't like them," I pouted, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Come on Mer," Derek sighed, grabbing for my hand as he drove. "Trust me, it'll be worth the wait."

I stared at him, taking in his bright eyes and wide smile. He was really excited for this, whatever it was, and if it made him this happy, it would probably be worth it.

"Fine," I huffed, but quickly smiled at him as I squeezed his hand.

"Thank you," he said happily, squeezing my hand back as we made our way toward the dock.

_Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you  
Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song  
Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there's no right answer  
Regretting him was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong_

_Losing him was blue like I'd never known_  
_Missing him was dark grey all alone_  
_Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met_  
_But loving him was red_  
_Oh, red_  
_Burning red_

"Come on Meredith, we're almost there," Derek called from a few feet ahead of me as I made my way along a vaguely familiar path.

"Yeah, yeah," I muttered as I reached the clearing, and then suddenly, it hit me. This was the hike we had taken over three months ago, when he had first come to Seattle for his conference. "Oh," I gasped, reminded of the cliff that overlooked Seattle and the all-around peace the clearing seemed to bring.

"I really liked it up here when you brought me, so I thought we could come again," Derek said softly as he wrapped an arm around my waist.

"Oh Derek, it's just as beautiful as I remembered."

"Yeah," Derek sighed next to me, opening the manila folder and flipping through it briefly. "Come on, I want to move a little closer to the cliff."

We walked a little farther before Derek stopped me, once again flipping through the folder.

"Alright seriously, what is with the folder?" I demanded.

Derek seemed to ignore my question, looking down at the papers in his hand. "What do you think of the view from the cliff?" he asked.

"What?" I asked, confused.

"I think it would make a really good view for a bedroom, and maybe a living room. What do you think?"

"It's a really nice view Derek, it really is, but what are you talking about?"

"But you like it right? You like the view?"

"Yes! But why does it matter?"

Derek turned to face me, smiling at me before speaking. "Because I think I'm going to build a house here."

I just stared at him, completely in shock. "What?" was all I could say, I really couldn't process anymore.

"I'm going to build a house here," he repeated, still smiling.

"How? When? How…" I let my voice trail off, because I had so many questions, but didn't know how to ask them.

"I really liked the land when we went hiking, and after Chief Webber offered me a position at Seattle Grace, I really wanted to live out here. So I bought the land, all forty acres."

"Oh," I said softly. "Is that why you needed to find another apartment closer to me?"

"Yeah," Derek nodded. "I was going to buy a trailer to put here so we could date, but then you told me you were pregnant, and I wouldn't be able to get to you easily if I needed to because of the ferry."

"Oh," I said again, because it was really all I could say.

"These are some rough blue prints for the house I want to build," Derek continued, pulling papers out of the folder and handing them to me. "It's a classic Victorian design with an open floor plan."

"Oh wow," I said softly as I studied the plans. The house was going to be pretty big; two floors, a master suite, three other bedrooms. It would be a pretty nice house for a family.

"You know, if you don't like anything you can tell me. It's your house too," Derek said casually.

"What?" my head snapped up from the blueprints, my mind racing.

"Well, yeah, if you want it to be," Derek began to stammer, sounding nervous. "Look, I met with a contractor, and he told me it would take between nine months to a year for the house to be done. That gives us plenty of time to date and take things slowly and everything you want. And when this house is done, I still plan on us being together; you, me, and baby. We're a family, Mer, and our baby deserves to have a family. I love you Meredith Grey, and you love me, and I think our baby deserves to be around that kind of love all of the time. I want you to move in with me when this house is ready, and we can be a family and raise our baby together, really together."

"Derek," I said softly, taking a step closer to him.

"And for purely selfish reasons, I'm going to have a hard time sharing our child once they're born, so it would be much easier to deal with if we lived under the same roof," he laughed nervously. He was nervous, like he expected me to say no. As if I could ever say no.

"Derek," I whispered again, before I cupped his cheeks with my hands and kissed him firmly.

"Oh," he sighed as I pulled away from him slightly, my hands still resting against his face.

"I love you," I said.

"I love you too," he replied softly.

"You're sure you want to do this? Move in with me into a big old house in the woods? Because this house you have planned, it's incredible and beautiful. But it says things. Forever type things. And I want to make sure you're sure. Because I'm in this, and I want to do the forever thing if you want to," I rambled, finally coming to an end.

"Meredith," he replied, smiling as he shook his head before kissing me again. "I'm in this. I see a future for us, and I am one hundred percent certain that the moment this house is finished, I want you and baby living in it with me. The three of us are going to be a family, and you are my forever."

I felt myself tearing up at all of his perfect words, and at this moment, I really hated pregnancy hormones.

"Oh Mer," Derek said, pulling me into his arms. "It's okay, you don't have to cry."

"I don't know why I'm crying!" I insisted. "I'm happy, really happy. Stupid pregnancy hormones."

"Hey, don't call your hormones stupid. We get baby because of those hormones, and I can put up with your craziness for baby," he laughed.

"I am not crazy!" I exclaimed, slapping his chest before once again resting my cheek against his heart. "But you're right, baby is definitely worth the hormones."

I could feel Derek smile as he kissed the top of my head, one hand travelling again to rest against my baby bump. "So, everything's okay?" he asked into my hair.

I looked across the field towards the cliff overlooking Seattle, smiling as I buried my head in his chest. "Right now," I whispered. "Everything's perfect."

_Oh, losing him was blue like I'd never known  
Missing him was dark grey all alone  
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met  
'Cause loving him was red  
Yeah, yeah, red  
We're burning red_

_And that's why he's spinnin' 'round in my head_  
_Comes back to me, burning red_  
_Yeah, yeah_

_His love was like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street._


	25. Stay Stay Stay

**_A/N: Hey guys, sorry for the delay, but I have a new update. And just as a warning, it's kind of porny. And I love pregnant Meredith, so I'm kind of overplaying this. I hope you like, it, let me know what you think!_**

**Chapter 25: Stay Stay Stay**

Today, I was exactly fourteen weeks pregnant. Baby was now the size of a lemon, and my stomach seemed to be getting a little bit bigger each day. I was also feeling a lot less nauseous, which made working much easier on me. However, at fourteen weeks, my hormones were also making me feel ten different things at once. For example, I had been horny as hell all week. But Derek and I were taking it slow, so I hadn't had sex since May, and it was now the end of August. I wanted sex, I wanted him, badly, but I didn't know how to broach the subject with him. Plus, it seemed like he was going out of his way to make my life miserable today, so not only was I horny, but pissed off as well.

Derek had just started his fellowship at the hospital a few days ago, and we were still trying to figure out how to make everything work. I didn't see him the first two days because I was off and then we had different schedules. But today we were working close to the same shift, and he insisted on picking me up so we could drive in together. So he had shown up at seven this morning, smile on his face and coffee in hand. This was why I wanted to kill him.

I was pretty much constantly tired. Being a second year resident meant that I got stuck working long hours and on call shifts at least once a week, and pregnancy made the exhaustion worse, especially without coffee. And Derek knows how much I have been struggling with the coffee thing, and he showed up this morning with a huge one that smelled so delicious when I can't have it. And to make matters worse, he didn't even bring me a chocolate chip muffin, which I have been craving like no other over the past couple of days. I swear, if he wasn't the father of the baby inside of me, I would consider killing him and have Cristina help me drag his corpse across the floor. But he seemed completely clueless to what he's done, because he's humming to some stupid The Clash song while grinning like an idiot.

"I'm pretty sure you're on my service today," Derek said, his voice all bubbly. I glared at him as he quickly glanced at me, a huge smile on his face before turning to look back at the road.

"Hmm," was all I could manage to respond as we pulled into the Seattle Grace parking lot.

"What, you aren't excited to work with me?" Derek said, his voice light though his smile had drooped a little.

"Whatever," I replied shortly as I climbed out of his car, slamming the door for good measure.

"Meredith," Derek began gently as he quickly got out of the car.

"What?" I snapped, turning around to face him.

"Is everything alright?" he asked, reaching for my hand.

"Oh, now you care about my feelings?" I wrenched my hand out of his grip, gesturing to his coffee cup.

"What-what are you talking about? Of course I care about your feelings," he replied, his voice filled with confusion.

"Obviously you don't care that much!" I exclaimed, once again pointing at his coffee.

"What are you talking about?" he groaned.

"I'm talking about-" I started, before suddenly stopping. "You know what? If you don't know, then I don't want to tell you," I stated before turning around and heading into the hospital.

"Meredith!" I heard Derek call after me, but I ignored him. I knew I was being childish by not telling him, but I was just so mad that he would even consider getting coffee for himself when I desperately wanted it.

I just wasn't sure how working with him all day was going to work out.

_I'm pretty sure we almost broke up last night.  
I threw my phone across the room at you.  
I was expecting some dramatic turn-away,  
but you stayed._

_This morning I said we should talk about it._  
_'Cause I read you should never leave a fight unresolved._  
_That's when you came in wearing a football helmet and said "okay, let's talk."_

"Did you feel like being an idiot today or are you seriously just that incompetent!" I practically shouted at my intern several hours later. Thomas, or Thompson, or something like that, had given a post op patient the wrong medicine. Luckily, the dose wasn't enough to do serious damage, but the patient had had a seizure because of the reactions between the meds, and now she was on additional medications to prevent further complications. If the woman or her family found out about the error, it would be my ass on the line.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Grey, I misread the chart, I'm sorry. I thought the patient was supposed to be given Pamelor, not Tambocor," the intern stuttered, which made me just more angry.

"Oh, you thought?" I exclaimed. "You just took a quick glance at the chart and thought the patient was supposed to be given Pamelor? A woman who is post op from cardiothoracic surgery needs a drug to fight depression? You are a doctor! You need to look closely at the chart so you don't give the patient the wrong amount, which apparently you are clearly too inept to do!"

I was definitely shouting now, and I could feel tears start to burn in my eyes. This was also a new pregnancy side effect, I cry whenever I get overly emotional.

"I'm sorry, the handwriting was messy and I had ten other patients to check on-"

"So you thought you would just breeze through my patients and give them crappy care! It doesn't matter if there are fifty patients waiting for you, you give them all the top notch care they deserve. And the handwriting is not that difficult to read, I can read it clearly right now!"

"Look, calm down, I didn't kill the patient!"

"But you could have!" I shouted. "There are a number of ways you could have killed her. She could have had another heart attack without the Tambacor to control her arrhythmias, or you could have given her too much Pamelor and killed her. She had a seizure just based on the dose you gave her! And if you killed her, do you know whose ass that would have been?" I paused, gasping as I wiped my eyes, which were spilling over with tears. "Mine! I am your resident, so I have to take responsibility for you. I could have been fired for your stupidity! I could-"

"Dr. Grey!" his voice came out of nowhere, and I groaned loudly. Derek was walking towards us, is expression firm but concerned.

"Yes, Dr. Shepherd," I sighed, looking up at him.

"Is there a reason you're shouting at Thomason in the middle of the hallway?"

"Because he's an idiot," I groaned.

"Because the pregnancy has made her a nut job," Thomason shot back.

"Are you freaking serious!" I exclaimed, moving quickly towards the intern.

"Meredith, Meredith!" Derek gasped, grabbing me around my waist to hold me back. "Thomason, that is not how you talk to your resident, who is your superior. Go to my office and wait for me there, where we will discuss the matter."

"Yes sir," Thomason said quietly before sulking towards Derek's office.

"Dr. Grey, a word," Derek said softly, leading me towards the nearest on call room and shutting the door quickly.

_Before you, I'd only dated self-indulgent takers,  
that took all of their problems out on me.  
But you carry my groceries, and now I'm always laughin'.  
And I love you because you have given me no choice but to:_

_Stay, stay, stay._  
_I've been lovin' you for quite some time, time, time._  
_You think that it's funny when I'm mad, mad, mad._  
_But I think that it's best if we both stay, stay, stay, stay_.

Derek locked the on call room door behind him, turning around to face me. "What the hell was that about?" he demanded.

"What the hell was that? Thomason gave the patient antidepressants instead of medicine to regulate her arrhythmias. The intern is an idiot, and he's made mistakes like that under my watch before. I could be fired Derek! Not to mention what an ass you were this morning-"

"What do you mean I was an ass this morning?" Derek exclaimed. "How was I an ass? You were being a bitch!"

"You did not just call the mother of your child a bitch!" I shouted. "You insisted on picking me up this morning, Derek! And when you did, you brought coffee with you! After I was telling you the night before how I would kill for coffee! You pretty much rubbed my inability to have coffee in my face. And then you didn't even think to bring me anything. You, Derek Shepherd, are an insensitive jerk!"

"Are you freaking kidding me?" Derek shouted back, the anger and annoyance in his eyes surprisingly sexy. "How was I supposed to know I wasn't allowed to drink coffee anymore! You never said I couldn't. I'm sorry I can't read your mind Meredith, but you can't just be all pissy for no reason, you need to talk to me!" He ran his fingers through his perfect hair, which only made me more horny. The glint in his eye was dangerously close to the color it was when he was turned on, and then I couldn't help myself anymore.

I took two steps towards Derek before lunging at him, kissing him hard. Derek seemed surprised at first, but after a moment, he kissed me back hungrily. I wrapped my leg around his waist, and Derek grabbed the back of my thighs, lifting me up and carrying her to the on call room bed. His mouth moved from mine hers to my neck, trailing kisses along my jaw as I quickly ripped off his scrub top. His hands moved to my scrubs, pulling them off of me as I began nibbling on his ear.

"Meredith," he moaned as his mouth moved towards my chest, sucking on the skin along the edge of my bra. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah," I gasped I quickly pulled down his pants. "I need you."

"Mhmm," Derek managed as I finally pulled down his pants, his boxers going with them. He unhooked my bra, and pulled away from her as he quickly took off my panties, falling onto the bed.

"Mer," he breathed, kissing me deeply before moving his mouth downward, kissing and licking my neck and shoulders before finally arriving at my breasts. Derek's hand continued lower, trailing down to my center.

"Derek," I cried, arching into him and moving my hips reflexively as he slipped a finger inside of me. He slipped another finger inside of me, and shifted his hand so that his thumb pressed against my clitoris. I moaned at the touch, and became increasingly louder as his fingers began to move in and out of me. "Please, don't stop!" I panted as I rolled my hips into him. He kissed me hard, slipping his tongue into my mouth as I tangled her hands in his hair. I broke the kiss as I began to tremble, burying my face in his neck as I began to clench around his fingers. Derek stroked faster until I screamed his name, and I felt myself contract around his fingers as I came hard.

Derek slipped his fingers out of me, shifting so that he was hovering over me, and pushed a damp strand of hair out of my face as he kissed me deeply. I reached between us, stroking his, causing him to gasp in pleasure.

"Derek," I panted softly, raising my hips against him, "Please."

"Hmmm," he moaned as he lowered himself into me, filling me quickly. We both moaned in pleasure as he slowly pulled out of me and thrust back in. He continued to thrust slowly as I stretched to accommodate him, picking up the pace when I began to rock my hips against his, meeting each thrust so that he buried himself deeper inside me.

He thread his fingers in my hair, kissing me as my fingers roamed his back. I moved my legs, locking them around his hips in order to pull him in deeper inside me. I felt my body slowly tense, and I knew I was getting closer. Derek broke our kiss as he buried his face in my neck, while I moaned and shifted beneath him, my muscles beginning to clamp around him.

"Faster Derek," I commanded, though it came out as a whimper. "Derek," I begged, chanting his name until his mouth crashed over mine once again, almost silencing my. As I contracted around him, I broke the kiss, my hips bucking as I screamed his name in pleasure.

"Mer" Derek gasped, and I felt him twitch inside me as he came.

He collapsed on top of me, kissing my neck as my hand played with his hair, both of us trying to catch our breath. After a while, Derek slowly pulled out of me, holding me close as he rolled onto his side.

As we caught are breaths, I realized how irrational I was being, and I immediately felt guilty for getting so angry at him. And for the second time that day, my eyes started watering again.

"Derek," I tried to say quietly, but I ended up gasping.

"Mer?" Derek looked up suddenly, his eyes widening when he saw I was crying. "What's wrong? Did you… did you not want the sex?"

"What, no?" I said quickly, emitting a quick sob. "The sex was amazing, I've waited for a month for sex, and it was perfect. But now I feel like a bitch. I was mad at you for something stupid, and then I flipped out on my intern, and then I shouted at you. You were right, I am a bitch!"

"No Mer, no," Derek said firmly, pressing his lips against mine. "I should never have called you a bitch. You're pregnant with our baby, you're allowed to be crazy, and I had no right to call you that. I love you so much, and I'll do anything for you. If you really want me to give up coffee for you, I can."

"No, don't Derek," I replied, kissing him deeply. "Thank you for offering, but you don't have to. Maybe you could just not drink it in front of me all the time, this would make it all easier."

"I can definitely do that," he answered, kissing me quickly. "Now, I have an intern in my office who has been waiting there for me for quite a while."

"Just tell him you were otherwise occupied," I giggled as we both got out of bed, grabbing our scrubs.

"Oh I will," Derek smiled before grabbing me and kissing me hard. "I love you."

"I love you too," I smiled. "Will I see you tonight?"

"Absolutely," he grinned. "I'll wait for you after work."

"Okay, now go yell at Thomason," I replied.

"I will," Derek responded before slipping out of the on call room.

I rubbed my hand over my belly, smiling slightly at the thought that, despite our fight, Derek and I were just as strong as ever.

_You took the time to memorize me:  
my fears, my hopes, and dreams.  
I just like hangin' out with you, all the time.  
All those times that you didn't leave;  
It's been occurring to me I'd like to hang out with you, for my whole life._

_Stay, stay, stay.  
I've been lovin' you for quite some time, time, time.  
You think that it's funny when I'm mad, mad, mad.  
But I think that it's best if we both stay._


	26. Arms

_**A/N: I'm baaacck! I'm so sorry for such a long wait; I hope you guys are still hanging around. This year has continued to kick my ass, but I'm back now and ready to finish writing. I think that there will be another seven or eight chapters left, so we're almost in the home stretch. Anyway, I hope you guys will keep reading, and I'll definitely keep writing. I even have another story idea forming, so that will make me keep writing and updating. Anyway, let me know what you think of this update!**_

**Chapter 26: Arms**

_I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart  
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start_

_You put your arms around me_  
_And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go_  
_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

"So, I was thinking that maybe we could paint my spare bedroom green," I said to Derek as I walked through the department store, stopping every couple of feet to look at a stuffed animal or mobile.

"We could do that," Derek nodded.

"Or do you think I shouldn't bother?" I asked. "I mean, you had the contractor break ground on the house last week, so the house could be done by the time the baby is as young as five months, so is it really worth it for us to design huge nurseries in my house and your apartment just to move so soon after baby gets here?"

"That is a good point Mer," Derek replied, studying the cribs in front of us.

"But, if we don't decorate, Baby might think we don't love them."

"Mer, you do realize that you sound crazy, right," Derek said slowly, glancing at me.

"How do I sound crazy?" I snapped, turning to face him. "I'm sorry I want our child to come home to a nice nursery instead of an unfriendly room with blank walls and no decoration. We have to be ready for him or her, and we have to give them a happy home, no matter what."

"Obviously our home will be happy," Derek groaned, simultaneously shaking his head. "But wall color and decorations in a house we're going to live in for six months is not going to make or break or child's happiness!"

"How do you know?" I snapped back.

"Because it's a baby!" Derek snapped back a little loudly, causing some people in the aisle to glance over at us. "The baby is not going to remember a temporary room. Obviously we can paint it if you want and buy cute furniture, but as you said two minutes ago, it's not worth designing two elaborate nurseries if they're just going to be temporary anyway."

"But if a nursery isn't decorated, it could affect his psyche or whatever and change the course of his development."

"That's ridiculous! He or she will be a newborn; Baby won't even remember what the room looks like. He probably won't even be awake most of the time he's in his room, he'll be sleeping!"

"Oh, so we aren't going to take pictures of him at all? What if I want to take a picture of him sleeping, or when we're changing her or something like that? They're going to look through pictures and wonder why Mom and Dad couldn't be bothered to decorate her room!"

"Or we could just tell them that we were in the process of moving into a new house, so we didn't think it would practical to paint a room when we were only going to be there a couple of months."

"Right, because a five-year old would understand that," I rolled my eyes.

"I really don't think a five-year old is going to notice whether or not the walls in the back of a picture are decorated!" Derek shot back.

"You never know!"

"Oh, and you do?"

"Yeah, I do!" I practically shouted, thinking briefly to my own childhood. "You know what, forget it. Let's just let the baby think you didn't want it or love it; I don't care. But at least she'll have one parent who wants her." I glared at his stunned expression one more time before turning and storming towards another section of the store, trying to prevent the tears that were building up from overflowing.

_How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around?  
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown_

_I hope that you see right through my walls_  
_I hope that you catch me 'cause I'm already falling_  
_I'll never let a love get so close_  
_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

_The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved_  
_I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone_

_You put your arms around me_  
_And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go..._

"Meredith!" I heard Derek call behind me, but I just kept walking, moving towards the cribs and changing tables. He didn't get it. Not that it was his fault; we never really discussed our personal lives. I mean, he knew that my mother was the great Ellis Grey and that my father wasn't in the picture, and I knew that he has four sisters and his father was murdered in a robbery, but that was it. We didn't go into too much detail, so I can't really be mad at him for not knowing how much my childhood sucked, but that damn hormones mad it pretty difficult to think rationally sometimes.

Baby had to know he or she was wanted. That's what it came down to. Neither of my parents wanted me, and I never want Baby to know how bad it feels when you realize it. My father clearly didn't want me or he would have stuck around, or at least not completely vanished when he left my mom. And my mother made it very clear that I was not a priority in her life, and my baby will always be a priority.

I could hear Derek continue to call after me as I took a sharp right turn, entering an area full of rocking chairs. I quickly spotted a padded chair with a teddy bear conveniently placed on the seat for advertisement purposes, and took a seat.

I half hoped that Derek would be moving so quickly trying to catch up with me that he wouldn't notice me just sitting among the displays. That was definitely not something I should be wishing, especially because he was my ride home, but at that point, it seemed like the better option. Because when he found me, Derek would force me to talk, and then I'd feel obligated to spill all of my dark and twisty secrets to him. No one knew all of the dark and twistiness, not even Cristina, and even though I knew that it would barely faze Derek, it didn't mean I wanted to share.

"Meredith!" I heard Derek call as he rounded the corner, briskly walking as he frantically looked around. He looked in my direction briefly while continuing to move quickly, but stopped suddenly as his brain probably processed that I was right there. He turned again, relief filling his features as he made his way towards me slowly.

"Hi," he said cautiously, sitting down in the rocking chair closest to me.

"Hi," I smiled weakly at him.

"I'm sorry," Derek said after a moment of awkward silence. "I want our baby; I want him or her so badly, and I never want you or them to think that I don't love them. We can do whatever you want for the nurseries."

"No Derek," I sighed, turning to face him as tears began to well in my eyes again. "I'm really sorry. The hormones have been hitting me really badly this week, and I never meant to say that you didn't love or want Baby. I know you do. I just really need our baby to feel loved and wanted."

"Our baby will be the most loved baby ever, I promise," Derek smiled, leaning over to kiss my forehead. We sat in silence again for a few moments before he spoke again. "You said that you knew that a five-year old would notice things like a decorated nursery."

It wasn't a question, just a statement. But I knew he was giving me the opportunity to explain myself, so I took a deep breath and began to speak.

"I told you I didn't have the best childhood," I began slowly. "I don't really remember much, I mean, how much can you remember from before you were five? But I do remember my mother working a lot, almost all the time. I feel like there were just days when I didn't see her. Which is probably understandable; you don't become the great Ellis Grey by taking a ton of time off to spend with your family. But when I was really little, I had my father. He was around a lot, I think. He would pour my cereal every morning. He bought me a red wagon and would push me down the hill so I would feel like I was flying; he even gave me my birthday present, an "Anatomy Jane" doll, a few days early because I was missing my mom."

"It seems like your dad was trying to make up for your mom not being around," Derek murmured.

"I'm sure he was," I replied softly. "But then, one day when I was five, I woke up, and he was gone. No hug goodbye, no explanation, nothing. I woke up and went downstairs, expecting him to be waiting in the kitchen with my cereal, but it was just my mom. And when I asked where he was, she told me he had left. And I never saw him again."

"You never saw him again" Derek gasped.

"No," I shook my head. "It's been twenty years, and I've never heard from him. We moved to Boston soon after he left, and I always hoped he would come find me, but he never did. And my mother didn't change at all. She kept working long shifts, leaving me with nannies or babysitters while she worked to become the best surgeon of her generation. Whenever I did something wrong or that took her away from the hospital for too long, she would always tell me that I was holding her back, that she could be even more amazing if I wasn't around."

"I'm sure she didn't mean it," Derek said sympathetically, grabbing my hand.

"Derek, trust me, she did," I countered. "She wasn't around for Christmases or birthdays, my nannies were. She completely forgot my tenth birthday; I'm pretty sure my babysitter reminded her a week later that she had forgotten, and she just handed me some money. No card, no cake, no presents. So I know what it's liked to know that your parents didn't want you or love you, and baby can never feel that way. Trust me, it sucks."

"Oh Mer," Derek said sadly, pulling on my hand so I was sitting on his lap. He kissed me gently, rubbing his hand across my growing belly. "Our baby will never know how you felt. We'll love them so much, he or she will probably hate us by the time they're teenagers because we'll be smothering them, I promise."

"Thank you," I whispered, leaning into him and brushing my lips across his.

"And we can go all out decorating all three nurseries if you want," Derek laughed, rubbing my stomach again.

"Good," I giggled as I looked around the furniture section. We just stayed in the chair, rocking back and forth, Derek rubbing my stomach absent mindedly while I leaned my head on his shoulder, thinking of different nursery themes.

I figured we could probably have one nursery theme transfer from one of our apartments to our new house, but that left us to think of another nursery idea. This seemed like a lot of work, not to mention a lot of extra money, to buy two of everything if one set was going to go to waste after just a few months.

"What are you thinking?" Derek murmured into my hair, inhaling deeply.

"Honestly?"

"Well I would prefer that over lying," Derek chuckled.

"Shut up," I slapped him gently. "I was thinking about how stupid it would be for us to decorate three rooms for a baby."

"Really?" Derek said with disbelief. "Because we can. We can do whatever you want."

"No, Derek," I cut him off, turning to look at him. "Just listen for a second, but no that you can say no if you want to. But we're going to be living together less than a year from now anyway. And you know how much I love to sleep, and how hard it will be for me to get up by myself every two hours once baby is born. Plus, if we get two of everything, once we move in together we'll have to get rid of half of it, and –"

"Meredith," Derek laughed. "I love the rambling, I do, but I'm having trouble following this one."

"Doyouwanttomoveinwithme?" I asked in one quick breath.

"What?" Derek asked, his eyes wide.

"Once baby is born, or even earlier if you want, do you want to move in? I mean, we spend most nights together anyway, and we can save money when we buy baby stuff. And you'll be able to get up at three in the morning with the baby instead of me."

"Oh, so it's all about baby?" Derek teased.

"Well, I guess the fact that I love you may have something to do with it," I joked back.

"I would love to in with you," Derek grinned, kissing me softly.

"Good," I nodded firmly. "I love you."

"I love you too. So when do you want me to move in?"

"Whenever you want," I shrugged. "But preferably as soon as possible; that way you'll be able to run to Taco Bell for me when baby and I crave a good taco."

"Once again, all about the baby," Derek laughed, gently nudging me off of his lap. "Come on, we have to shop for him or her now."

"Alright," I smiled back, linking my hands with Derek's as he led me towards the crib, not noticing that I still had the stuffed bear in my hand. I was about to turn it around to put it back when I looked at it closely.

It wasn't a very large teddy bear, but it was a rich brown color. It had on a white tee-shirt with the phrase "_My parents love me more than anything,_" scrawled across it in green font. I couldn't help but tear up as I thought about how true that statement was. Even if Derek had been joking about it minutes before, it was completely true. And I wanted our baby to know that from the very beginning.

"Derek," I muttered, squeezing his hand as I came to a stop.

"What's wrong?" Derek said, looking concerned as he turned around.

"Look," I gasped, thrusting the bear at him as a tear rolled down my cheek.

Derek read the sentence quickly before looking up at me, smiling a little. "We definitely should get this for baby," he suggested.

"Really?" I smiled a little at him.

"Yeah," Derek nodded; his smile widening. "That way baby will always know that he's the most important thing in our lives, and that nothing will ever change that."

I let go of his hand and quickly wrapped my arms around him, squeezing him tightly. "Thank you," I said into his ear, kissing his cheek.

"Of course Mer," Derek laughed, kissing my cheek in return. "That's our baby, he or she needs to know that they're loved."

"Love you," I whispered as I pressed my lips to his.

"Love you too," he said, kissing me back, his hands moving to my stomach. "And Daddy loves you too, Baby."

I smiled widely as Derek referred to himself as 'Daddy' for the first time. "Mommy loves you too Baby."

"I'm glad that's settled," Derek stated as he grabbed my hand again. "Now we have some shopping to do," he said as he grabbed my hand and we continued to meander for the rest of the afternoon.

_I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth  
And I've never opened up  
I've never truly loved 'til you put your arms around me  
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go_

_I hope that you see right through my walls_  
_I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling_  
_I'll never let a love get so close_  
_You put your arms around me and I'm home_


End file.
